


The Edge of a Knife

by blindmasks



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And will stay that way, Anxiety, Blood and Injury, Child Abuse, Depression, Established Relationship, Everyone Is Alive, Gangs, Headaches & Migraines, Hurt/Comfort, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Has OCD, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Pain, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, References to Drugs, References to guns, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:35:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 66,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25266220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blindmasks/pseuds/blindmasks
Summary: When Levi walks in to see Erwin, Hange, and Mike all sitting on his living room couch, he freezes. Isabel and Furlan stand next to them, and Levi realizes that this is another one of their interventions. Levi is very familiar with their interventions. There's been several of them.Of course, they don't usually involve the underworld he's getting sucked back into, his shit mental health, the deteriorating relationship with his boyfriend, the reappearance of his abusive, deadbeat uncle, and the various beatings, cuts, and black eyes which have become a near weekly occurrence, all rolled into one.Levi did not sign up for this shit.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith, Moblit Berner/Hange Zoë, Nanaba/Mike Zacharias
Comments: 71
Kudos: 260





	1. Pyxis Investigation and Intervention #6

**Author's Note:**

> I've been holding onto pieces of this fic for months but finally figured out how to tie things together. It's a combination of struggling college Levi with an undercurrent plot of gang violence. That said, happy ending in store.
> 
> Please read tags for warnings.

Erwin waits in his car in what is, at best, a bad part of town. At worst, it is alarmingly dangerous. He’s outside of a back-alley bar with all the doors locked, a baseball bat in the back seat that he leaves there now, within easy reach. He doesn’t expect to use it and he has never had to use it, or any other weapon for that matter, but it always makes him nervous just hanging around places like this, especially in what is a fairly nice car in an area of town high in crime.

Erwin watches the door to the bar in his rearview mirror, and a moment later sees what he’s looking for. A figure slips out the door, hands in pockets, and walks towards his car. Erwin unlocks the passenger side door.

A moment later Levi slips in, shutting the door after him. He quickly buckles his seatbelt. He’s not wearing the fake glasses or the baseball cap today, which means he’s been going as himself, not a persona. Levi’s only twenty, shouldn’t even be in the bar, but he’s got two different fake ID’s.

“How’d it go?” Erwin says as he pulls out onto the road.

“No show,” Levi says, letting out a huff. “Fucking brat. Either the kid who told me where to find him lied or he’s being annoyingly conscientious lately.”

“You think he knows you’re looking for him?” Erwin says.

“Me? No. Kid’s a suburban runaway, playing at being edgy or dangerous or some shit. No way he actually knows who I am, it’s just shit luck. I’ll find him. Just wanna do it before Flagon does first.”

“I thought this was supposed to be your case,” Erwin says. It’s one of the first ones that Pyxis has given over to Levi, completely independent. For the past several months Levi’s only been helping him on different cases. This is one of his first real ones by himself.

“It _is_ ,” Levi says. “He’s just pissy that I walked in with as many contacts as it took him five years to build up.”

Levi works for Pyxis Investigation, a small private detective agency. Pyxis offered him a part time position on the spot after he ran into Levi while on an investigation last year. Erwin doesn’t know a lot about how Levi knows the people he knows, just that his uncle Kenny who he lived with for most of his life was involved with a lot of less than savory people.

Erwin knows that Levi is more than capable of handling himself – he has, on a couple of occasions, seen Levi fight – but he still gets worried. He knows what Levi does isn’t usually all that dangerous – he spends the majority of his time at a desk doing research or following people to track their movements – but there are parts which are, and Erwin worries. He was less than thrilled when Levi’s concealed carry permit came in.

“Am I taking you back to your apartment?” Erwin asks.

“Can we go back to yours?” Levi says.

“I’d love to,” Erwin says, smiling, though Levi sounds tired. “You texted Farlan and Isabel?”

“Yeah, I’ll let them know,” Levi says, pulling out his phone.

Erwin shares an apartment with Mike, though Mike is often at Nanaba’s anyway. Levi already has a bag of his stuff at Erwin’s apartment, even though they’ve only been dating for about a month and a half. Levi shares a room with Farlan at the two bedroom apartment they rent with Isabel, so Levi and Erwin spend more time at Erwin’s, where he has his own bedroom.

When they get to Erwin’s apartment they go inside and Levi toes off his shoes and pulls off his hoodie. He goes to Erwin’s fridge and starts looking around.

“Did you eat before going out?” Erwin says, frowning. It’s almost midnight.

“Had some chips at the bar,” Levi says.

Erwin’s frown deepens. Levi pulls out a frozen dinner and holds it up to Erwin, a question.

“Go ahead,” Erwin says. He only buys them for Levi, though he’ll never tell him that. Levi would insist he didn’t then. Erwin knows that Levi’s financial situation is a lot more strained than Erwin’s, and he knows that Levi’s eating habits are irregular at best. He doesn’t mind spending a little more money on food for him.

Levi goes to the microwave and Erwin kicks off his own shoes. He lines them up next to Levi’s. Erwin and Mike’s apartment has gotten drastically cleaner since Erwin started dating Levi.

“Are you working tomorrow?” Erwin says.

“Morning shift,” Levi says.

Erwin glances at the clock again. “Levi –” he starts.

“Don’t,” Levi says. “It’s fine.”

In addition to working part time at Pyxis’s firm, Levi also works at a coffee shop on campus. This is in addition to attending college full time, in his junior year. He’s promised that he’ll drop the coffee shop job once it’s winter and hockey season starts up, but Erwin can see the strain that Levi’s schedule has been putting on him.

But Farlan and Isabel are both attending the university on soccer scholarships, and it is soccer season. Levi’s income is currently keeping them afloat. They’ll both pick up more hours once the season is over, so that Levi can decrease his schedule.

“Lets go to bed once you finish then,” Erwin says. “It’s late anyway.”

Erwin works part time in a law office (a connection of his mother’s), but he doesn’t have work tomorrow and no classes until afternoon. Levi already sounds tired though and he’ll get five hours of sleep at best.

Erwin graduated the year before with an undergraduate degree in political science. He is now in his first year of law school, at the same university. Levi is a junior majoring in psychology.

Levi doesn’t argue. He finishes dinner and then goes to take a shower while Erwin sits down in bed with a book. Levi comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist. The room is dim with only Erwin’s reading lamp on, but when Levi turns around Erwin catches mottled bruising over the left side of his back, over his shoulder blade.

Erwin slips out of bed in a second, getting closer, frowning. It’s not a terrible injury but it’s large enough and dark enough for Erwin to get concerned. By the look of it, it’s at least a couple days old.

Erwin touches gently and Levi flinches. “What happened?” Erwin says. “You’ve got a huge bruise here.”

Levi turns around in front of one of the mirrors, looking. He frowns. “It’s nothing,” he says, “I fell into a table the other day.”

Erwin doesn’t think he’s lying but it’s certainly not the whole truth. For starters, Levi is quite possibly the least clumsy person that Erwin has ever met. “Levi,” he says.

“I thought you wanted to go to bed,” Levi says.

Erwin sighs. Levi moves out of his grasp, pulling on clean boxers and sweatpants, a T-shirt. He doesn’t like sleeping without clothes. Erwin gets into bed next to him a moment later. Levi curls up and Erwin fits himself behind him, running his fingers through Levi’s hair once. Levi makes a tiny contented noise which makes Erwin smile, before he closes his eyes.

Levi sips his tea and sighs. He looks over at the clock again. Still a half hour before his shift is over. Still a half hour before he can go to the psych building and find some chair to nap on before his one o’clock class. He closes his eyes for a second. Reminds himself that Farlan’s tuition hasn’t been paid yet for this month. Reminds himself that Isabel needs new cleats. Reminds himself that their phone bills are due soon.

He keeps reminding himself with every shitty annoying customer that comes in.

When his shift finally ends and he manages to get forty-five minutes of sleep in before his class, only to wake up groggy and still exhausted, Levi wonders, again, why he decided to go to college.

(He knows exactly why he went to college. It was out of spite. Kenny had laughed at him when he said he was thinking about applying. His high school guidance counselor had given him a pitying look. Only his coach had insisted that he apply.)

He and Farlan were both juniors, but Isabel was a freshman. For the first two years of college, Farlan and Levi had lived in the dorms. Levi had gotten a full ride for hockey, so that was cheaper for them than getting an apartment. Levi and Farlan, as juniors, were no longer guaranteed housing though, and anyway, now that Isabel was attending college too, they had done the math and it was cheaper for them to all get an apartment together than to pay room and board for both Isabel and Farlan.

He walks into the classroom. It’s one of his smaller classes, about forty people. It’s an introductory neuroscience course which Levi is only passing because of Hange and Nanaba’s help. It’s annoying because Levi actually _likes_ the class – it’s interesting – but he’s a psych major not a neuroscience major, and some of the more in depth stuff goes right over his head.

It gets him easily frustrated, lost within the first ten minutes of class, despite the fact that he actually did the reading. And he wonders again why he doesn’t just drop out.

He doesn’t _need_ a degree to work for Pyxis. Pyxis would be pissed if he dropped out, but Levi is pretty sure he wouldn’t fire him.

He can see Kenny laughing though, and more than that he can see all the time and effort he’s already put in. He knows that having the stupid diploma will help him get jobs in the future. He knows the classes he’s taking will help him. (Well, most of them. Levi’s unsure how neuroscience really fits in.)

So he takes a deep breath and makes a mental note to call Hange later, to set up a time for her to help him. For all the times that Levi gets annoyed with her, he will be forever thankful for her unconditional help. He knows she’s plenty busy herself with her classes and her research, but she’s always nothing short of excited to help him.

He has another psychology class followed by a criminology course after the neuroscience one. So far he doesn’t have enough credits for any minors, but he’s taken a smattering of classes across departments, partly because when he first started he had no idea what he wanted to major in and partly because once he realized he really liked private investigation he’d started looking for courses which could help him, and those tended to be varied.

He gets Isabel’s text in criminology and Farlan’s text right as he gets out. Both say the same thing, a reminder. Levi never forgets, but Isabel and Farlan still text him every time. Though that’s his own fault, for “forgetting” the first couple times.

Levi trudges across campus, from the east side to the center, and with the same tense displeasure as always, climbs the steps to the counseling center for his weekly appointment.

Levi doesn’t bother trying to track the kid down again that night – he’ll wait until Friday night when he’s more likely to be out – so he texts Erwin and asks if he can stay over again. Erwin responds quickly.

_Shitty Eyebrows:_

_:) Of course_

Levi huffs but smiles. He stops at home first to grab a few things and do a bit of homework before it gets late enough that he knows Erwin will be home. Then he heads over.

He smells the food from the hallway and it’s only then that Levi realizes he hasn’t eaten anything all day. He hadn’t felt hungry up until then. Erwin makes chicken and pasta and it looks delicious and Levi eats quickly only to feel full after just a handful of bites.

Erwin frowns at him when he starts pushing food around on his plate, pausing in a story about one of his seminars. “Is the food okay?” Erwin says, sounding confused.

Which would make sense, considering Erwin has made this dish before and knows that Levi loves it. Well, Levi loves pretty much everything that Erwin cooks. Levi can’t cook for shit.

“Yeah, I just haven’t been that hungry lately,” Levi says.

Erwin frowns. “Have you lost weight?”

Levi shrugs. It’s not like he has a scale. He doesn’t think he’s lost weight.

Erwin’s frown deepens. “How have you been feeling?” he says. “You’ve seemed stressed lately.”

“I’m fine,” Levi says.

There’s a stretching silence. Levi picks at his food. He has been stressed. It’s a combination of a tight budget and a packed schedule.

(And Inner Sina, the voice in his head says.)

“Levi,” Erwin says, and it’s his too careful tone again. Levi nearly winces. “You really haven’t been eating very much. What’s been going on?”

Levi shrugs. He doesn’t want this conversation, just wants a normal night in with his boyfriend. He’s tired. He wants to go watch a movie, maybe have sex, take a bath. “Just tired,” he says. “Busy.”

Erwin’s eyes flick to Levi’s hands, and Levi resists the urge to hide them. His knuckles are scraped raw, though it’s certainly not the worst they’ve ever looked. Still, his stomach turns a little bit, and his expression goes blank automatically. Erwin’s not stupid. Levi’s pretty sure he knows what Levi’s been doing, though he’s never asked about it directly.

“What can I do to help?” Erwin says.

Levi lets out a breath. “I just want to watch a movie or something right now.”

Erwin smiles, and it is such a soft look on his face. “We can do that,” he says. He raises his stupid eyebrows then, expression going flatter. He points his fork at Levi’s plate. “But you need to finish that chicken first.”

Levi rolls his eyes as Erwin smiles again.

Erwin gets the call in the middle of his class, his phone vibrating, but he ignores it. It goes still for a few seconds, and then it starts vibrating again. Erwin discretely looks down at it.

It’s Levi. They’re both from Levi.

Erwin is out of the classroom before the phone is done ringing. He picks up. “Hello?” he says, just as he’s walking out the door.

“I’m in the psych lab. Can you come get me?” Levi’s voice is pained, thin. He sounds awful and Erwin already knows what it is.

“Yeah, baby, I’ll bring the car around, is anyone with you?”

“No,” Levi says.

“Okay, I can be there in ten minutes,” Erwin says, walking as quickly as possible down the steps to the building, making his way to the parking lot where his car is.

“Kay.” Erwin hears Levi let out a harsh breath. “Gonna hang up now,” he says.

Levi doesn’t say anything else and doesn’t wait for a response, just hangs up. Erwin knows it’s not because he’s being snappish or rude – making phone calls is difficult for him when he gets migraines. This one must have come on quick judging from how bad he sounded over the phone. He would have tried to get home on his own, probably, but he’s still in the psych lab, which means he didn’t make it anywhere.

Erwin has to search around for a bit before he can find the lab. He doesn’t spend any time in the psych building except when meeting Levi and he’s never been to the lab before. He finds Levi in a corner of the computer lab curled up on a chair, head pressed to his knees, shielding his eyes and breathing shallowly.

“Levi,” Erwin says very softly, kneeling down and touching Levi’s shoulder. Levi doesn’t move at all and Erwin smooths his hand over Levi’s shoulder to his arm. “Let’s get to my car,” he says.

“Can’t,” Levi says. The syllable is short and harsh.

“Do you feel sick?” Erwin says.

“Mm.”

Erwin briefly looks around, but there aren’t any small trash or recycling bins that he can see. He knows Levi hates vomiting – or hate is probably not quite the right word. It unsettles him deeply. Erwin’s only seen Levi vomit once, also from a migraine, and he’d been shaky and anxious for hours even after the migraine ended. This looks like a bad one though, and Erwin’s not sure that Levi will get through it without throwing up.

They can’t stay there though. Levi needs someplace dark and quiet where he can lie down. There’s already a couple people looking over at them and Erwin knows Levi would hate to make a scene.

“Okay,” Erwin says. “I’m gonna call Hange.”

He calls Hange because Hange somehow knows every professor in every science department, or at least it seems like it, and he’s really hoping that there’s a couch in an office somewhere Levi can lie down. Car rides are always hell for Levi when he has migraines and if there’s somewhere closer that would be best.

She gets there ten minutes later, during which Levi’s breathing gets even shallower, and he grabs Erwin’s hand, squeezing tightly. There are definitely people looking over at them now. Erwin doesn’t try to talk, just holds Levi’s hand and rubs his shoulder.

Hange gets there with a small trashcan in hand, her face falling the moment she sees them, concern lining her expression. There’s a man following behind her, who Erwin assumes is a professor.

“He can stay in Sam’s office,” she says quietly.

“Levi, we’re gonna move to an office where you can lie down,” Erwin says.

“Ngh,” Levi says.

“Come on, baby, it’s not far,” Erwin says. At least he hopes. He nudges Levi’s arm, and moves his hand, trying to coax him up.

Levi shifts his feet off the chair and to the ground slowly, turning as he does so, before he freezes, eyes squeezed shut, gasping. Erwin knows not to talk, to just stay with him. He waits, and then Levi slowly starts to stand, swaying. Erwin steadies him and Hange slips around his other side.

The walk is painful. They move very slowly, and it seems each step is a monumental effort for Levi. He doesn’t vomit, but he’s horribly pale and looks slightly green. He keeps his eyes shut about half the time. They finally reach the professor’s office, a desk on one side and a couch along with a couple chairs on the other. Erwin lets out a breath of relief and helps Levi lie down. Hange sets the trashcan next to him. The professor shuts the blinds.

“Thank you,” Erwin says to him.

“Of course, stay as long as you need. Just lock the door on your way out, alright?”

Erwin nods. The professor leaves and Hange kneels next to Erwin. “Do you need anything?” she says.

“Did you take your pills, Levi?” Erwin says.

“Yeah,” Levi says. His breathing has steadied a little bit but he’s still very pale.

Erwin shakes his head to Hange. “I think we’re okay.”

Hange squeezes his shoulder. “Call me if you need anything.”

Erwin settles into a chair beside Levi, holding his hand, running circles over the back of it with his thumb.

It’s about a half hour when Levi’s breathing suddenly kicks up. The tight, pained expression on his face intensifies, Levi’s teeth grinding together, eyes squeezed shut.

“Levi?” Erwin says.

Levi gags suddenly, still lying on his back, and Erwin has the trashcan over in a second, helping Levi lean upwards to get over it. Levi vomits into the trashcan until he’s dry heaving. Tears form in the corners of his eyes but as he keeps heaving and nothing but spit and bile comes up he starts crying. He makes a horrible kneeing sound, gripping Erwin’s wrist tight enough to hurt with one hand and clutching at his head with the other. He finally collapses back down, gasping, tears running down the sides of his face.

“Water,” Levi says, and Erwin fumbles for his water bottle, handing it over. He helps Levi hold it, and Levi takes in a large amount into his mouth to spit it out into the trashcan. He does this several times, before finally lying back down again.

Erwin moves the trashcan away and goes back to holding Levi’s hand, rubbing his shoulder as Levi shakes, gritting his teeth, tears still running down his face. After ten minutes it’s not any better. Erwin’s never seen him this bad.

“Levi,” he says quietly. “Do you want to go to the hospital?”

“No,” Levi gets out, and then he lets out a sob.

“Baby, are you sure?” he says. He’s starting to get worried. He’d thought the tears were just from vomiting, a physical reaction, but he hasn’t stopped. Erwin’s never seen Levi cry before.

“Mm,” Levi says.

Erwin frowns, and then he takes out his phone. He has a couple texts from Hange asking how it’s going. He pulls up Farlan’s contact and sends a text.

 _Levi has a migraine it seems really bad. Have you ever had to go to the hospital for one?_ Erwin texts.

He gets a response almost immediately.

_We’ve gon before but don’t take him now not worth it_

_Are you sure? He’s crying._

_Yes where r u_

_Psych building in a professor’s office._

_Ok don take him anywhere text me if u need anything or if it doesn’t get better in a couple hours_

So Erwin sits there feeling utterly useless. After a few minutes he texts Hange.

_When should you take someone to the hospital for a migraine?_

Hange also texts back right away.

_Did he ask to go to a hospital?_

And then right afterwards, _When it feels like the worst headache of their life._

_No he said he doesn’t want one but it’s the worst I’ve ever seen him, Hange._

_They’d just give him pain meds maybe a couple tests – if he doesn’t want to go he doesn’t need to._

_Okay, thanks Hange._

And so Erwin keeps sitting there, still feeling utterly useless. Levi stops crying at some point, but he keeps looking worse than normal, still very pale and hands trembling now. When he calms down a bit though, Erwin takes out one of his textbooks from his bags. They could be there for hours and Erwin can’t do anything but hold Levi’s hand, so he starts doing some work. It’s over an hour later when Levi speaks.

“Erwin,” Levi says. His voice is rough, quiet. “I want to go home.”

Erwin frowns, giving Levi’s hand a squeeze. “Are you sure, Levi?” He’s clearly still in at least some pain.

“It’s better now,” Levi says. “I want to go home.”

Erwin helps Levi get out to the car, watches Levi grit his teeth the whole car ride back, shielding his eyes with his arm. Erwin drives them back to Levi’s apartment. No one’s home at the moment, and Levi trades his jeans for sweatpants and then lies down in bed, all the lights off, shades drawn. The room is darker than the office had been and it’s quiet since it’s still the middle of the day.

Erwin sits on Levi’s bed with him. After another hour or so it appears that Levi falls asleep, which is a good sign. Erwin slips out of bed and leaves to the living room.

He looks around in Levi’s fridge for something to eat. He doesn’t find very much and isn’t sure what’s being saved for meals and what’s up for grabs, so he decides to order takeout. Erwin doesn’t like eating at Levi’s anyway – none of them have ever said anything to him about it, but Erwin doesn’t like eating their food when he knows how carefully they budget for groceries.

Furlan and Isabel arrive back before the food does. They come in at the same time, so Erwin assumes they walked back together.

“How is big bro?” Isabel says, frowning.

“He’s asleep right now,” Erwin says. “He said he was feeling better though.”

“That’s good,” Furlan says. He opens up the fridge, looking in.

“I ordered takeout,” Erwin says. “Should be enough if you two want some.”

It arrives shortly after, and Erwin sits with Isabel and Furlan on their couch as Furlan flips through channels and Isabel rants about a biology class.

“I’m gonna see if Levi’s awake,” Erwin says after a bit. He enters Levi and Furlan’s room as quietly as possible, and walks over. Levi opens his eyes as Erwin comes.

“Hi,” Erwin says, slipping a hand over the side of Levi’s face. His eyes are tired, still pained, looking up at him. Erwin gives a tight smile. “How are you feeling?”

Levi says nothing. Erwin starts to frown as Levi reaches up and grasps at Erwin’s wrist. He gives a small pull.

“I ordered takeout,” Erwin says though, “are you hungry?”

Levi shakes his head. He gives another pull on Erwin’s wrist.

“Okay,” Erwin says softly. He climbs onto the small twin bed and Levi shifts over to let him. He turns so that his back is against Erwin’s chest and Erwin holds him. Levi grasps his hand, which Erwin has over Levi’s stomach. Erwin reaches up to touch Levi’s hair with his other hand. He kisses the back of Levi’s head. 

Erwin knows that Levi’s migraines tend to pop up more when he’s very stressed, and Erwin wonders if it’s merely a coincidence that this one was so bad or if it’s directly correlated to his mood. He wants to press but doesn’t, thinks about bringing it up again later instead.

“Hurts,” Levi says. His fingers tighten over Erwin’s.

“Is it still bad?” Erwin says.

“No,” Levi says. He sounds exhausted. Erwin runs his fingers through Levi’s hair some more, rubs a thumb over the back of Levi’s hand. “I was supposed to go to the office today,” Levi says.

“I’m sure Pyxis will understand,” Erwin says. The man loves Levi, and he knows about the migraines.

“I need the money,” Levi says.

“It’s just a few hours,” Erwin says.

Levi is quiet for a long moment. “Forty-two dollars,” he says.

“What?”

“Forty-two dollars. I would have made forty-two dollars today.”

Erwin keeps playing with Levi’s hair. He’s not really sure what to say. It’s not a surprise or a secret that Levi and Furlan and Isabel are careful with money, but Levi doesn’t really talk about it with him.

“What do you need it for?” Erwin says.

“Phone bill,” Levi says. “Haven’t paid the phone bill yet.”

“Levi, you know if you need help you have it,” Erwin says.

Levi squeezes his hand. “I’m not your sugar baby,” he says. “Not your whore.”

Erwin tenses. “Levi, I –”

“I know,” he says, and squeezes Erwin’s hand again, lets out a breath. “I know.”

Erwin plays with Levi’s hair. He runs his thumb over the back of his hand. It’s silent for a few moments as Erwin thinks. It’s such a rare moment with Levi – when he’s quiet and calm and seeking comfort.

“Head hurts,” Levi says.

Erwin presses a kiss to Levi’s neck – it’s soft, short. _I’m sorry_. Erwin has learned that saying it out loud is useless.

Erwin lays there with him for a while, just holding him, running his fingers through his hair. He knows Levi’s awake by his breathing and the subtle shifting he does, but they don’t talk. About ten minutes later there’s a knock on the door, and then it opens slowly and Furlan sticks his head in. Erwin looks up but Levi doesn’t.

Normally, Levi would yell something, tell Furlan to fuck off or ask what he wants, but Levi doesn’t move at all. Furlan grimaces and then walks over.

“Hey, Lee,” he says, “how you feeling?”

“Shit,” Levi says.

“I’m goin’ to bed soon,” Furlan says. “Erwin staying?”

Levi finally turns, not to look at Furlan but to look at Erwin, questioning. “I can stay,” Erwin says. He’ll have to leave early to go back to his apartment in the morning before class, but he can stay the night. He doesn’t usually – he knows it makes Furlan uncomfortable when Erwin stays, but he’s done it a few times before and he knows that Furlan will deal with it when Levi’s in pain like this. The few times Erwin’s stayed the night there have been when Erwin’s gotten drunk there or when Levi’s gotten migraines or has a particularly bad day.

Furlan leaves again and Levi groans before starting to shift. “Shower,” he says.

They don’t shower together, but only because their shower is absolutely tiny, and it really is more trouble than it’s worth. Erwin would simply wait to shower until the next morning, but Levi always insists that he showers before bed. When Erwin gets out of the shower he finds Levi putting new sheets on the bed.

He’s not surprised. Levi always changes the sheets before bed if he, or anyone else, has been lying on it without having just showered. He always changes the sheets right after they have sex, almost always insists they both shower right after too.

They both get into bed. It’s pretty early, but Furlan has early morning classes and Levi’s clearly exhausted. Erwin holds him like he did before. They’ve kept the main lights off for Levi, and Furlan flicks his desk lamp off as well once he climbs into bed. The room goes dark and Erwin hears Levi’s breathing, feels his cold hand under his own.

Levi’s having a shit semester. He is acutely aware of this while Furlan and Isabel corner him in the tiny kitchen of their tiny apartment, a day after he gets the worst migraine he’s had in years.

They lured him in with Furlan’s casual remark that the fresh made bread was on sale and he was making alfredo pasta. It takes only until they sit down for dinner and Levi tears into his first bite to look up and see Furlan and Isabel both looking back at him, not yet having touched their food, for Levi to realize that something is up.

He chews and looks across the table, eyes narrowing. Isabel and Furlan glance at each other, and it is precisely the moment that Furlan opens his mouth that Levi realizes that this is another one of their interventions.

Levi is very familiar with their interventions. There’s been several of them in the time he’s known them.

“So, we noticed you haven’t been sleeping great lately,” Furlan starts.

“I never sleep great,” Levi says.

“Worse than normal,” Furlan says. “And you’ve seemed like you’re feeling more anxious than usual –”

“Are you taking your pills?” Isabel says.

Levi scowls at her and Furlan makes an exasperated noise. “ _Is_ ,” Furlan says.

“Are you taking them?” Isabel says again. Her eyes narrow back at Levi. Levi’s not sure why the pills are such a sticking point for her, but she is always very forceful about them in particular. Furlan tends to fixate on the therapy. 

“Let’s try this again,” Furlan says, running a hand over his face. “Seems like you’ve been feeling shit, Levi. What’s going on?”

“I’m fine,” Levi says.

“Bullsh-” Isabel starts.

“You’re doing worse than normal,” Furlan says. “We just want to help, Levi, what’s going on?”

Levi tenses more in his chair. None of them are eating anymore.

“ _Are_ you taking your pills?” Furlan says.

“Yes, I am taking your shitty fucking pills,” Levi says.

Furlan eyes him, almost warily, and Levi knows the question about to come out of his mouth before he even begins to speak. “You’re keeping your appointme-?”

“ _Yes_.”

“Everything good with Erwin?” Furlan says.

“We’re good,” Levi says.

“You’re working too much,” Furlan says.

Levi lets out a long sigh. “Barely gonna make rent this month, nothing I can really fucking do about that.”

Furlan’s mouth pinches, goes to a tight line. “I’ll see if I can pick up any more hours.”

“I can –” Isabel starts.

“No,” Furlan and Levi say at the same time.

Isabel scowls at them. “Furlan works almost twice as much as me and we both have the same schedule –”

“No,” Levi says again. It’s only three weeks into the semester and they all know Isabel’s already struggling. Her high school education had been littered with homelife problems, and she’s been working hard to catch up. It’s her freshman year, her first semester of college, and they all knew it would be a challenge for her and neither Furlan nor Levi are letting her fail any classes because she didn’t have enough time to study.

Furlan and Isabel are both there on soccer scholarships, and it’s soccer season. Levi has a hockey scholarship. Once hockey season starts and soccer season ends they’ll switch their workloads – Furlan and Isabel will pick up more while Levi backs off.

“You can cut back on the coffee shop,” Furlan says to Levi. “We have money saved from the summer, we have enough for you to cut back a little.”

“We need that for October,” Levi says. During October hockey will start but soccer won’t have ended yet. It was a rough month the last two years and it’s only going to be worse this year now that they need to also support Isabel.

“We have more than we’ll need for October,” Furlan says. “You can cut back a little, Levi, we’re doing fine.”

“I’ll see where we are at the end of the month,” Levi says.

He can admit that the money is making him nervous, afraid to deplete their savings too quickly, and he might have taken up more hours than he should have because of it. It’s the first year that Isabel is living with them too, and it’s been stressing him out, trying to budget everything and stretch their money each month.

Furlan’s expression doesn’t change though, goes a bit deeper. “Nothing’s happened, right? Nothing while you’re out for Pyxis?”

Levi tenses up. “No,” he says. “It’s fine.”

Furlan looks back at Levi like he doesn’t believe him. Levi grits his teeth.

“It’s fine,” he says again. It’s not a lie, not really.

“You haven’t –”

“No,” Levi says. “I haven’t seen him.”

“Okay,” Furlan says. He relaxes a little bit, and in turn Levi relaxes as well. He picks up the garlic bread again and takes a bite, eyes going between the two of them.

Alas, it is apparently not the end of the conversation.

“How come you’ve been more anxious?” Furlan says.

“I haven’t been,” Levi says.

“Bullshit,” Isabel says, voice uncharacteristically flat, looking back at him with a deep frown.

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you,” Levi says.

“Anything,” Furlan says, “anything at all, Levi.”

“Can’t we have a normal fucking dinner?” Levi says. “Instead of this shitty interrogation?”

“Why are you so defensive?” Isabel says.

Levi sets her with a glare, tenses up. While he fights with Furlan a hell of a lot more than with Isabel, she really does know just how to push his buttons when she wants to.

“Not helpful, Is,” Furlan says, covering his face with a hand.

She glares right back at Levi and Levi’s eye twitches.

“We’re just worried about you,” Furlan says again. “We just want to help, Levi. Tell us what’s going on, let us help.”

Levi grits his teeth. He looks back at Furlan. “Fine, I feel shit. I can’t sleep. I’m stressed. I’ve scrubbed my hands ‘till they bleed twice already this week. None of this is fucking new, Furlan. I don’t know what you guys want from me.”

Furlan’s frown deepens. “Maybe we should talk to your doctor about changing –”

“I’m not taking anymore fucking pills,” Levi says. He can feel himself getting too angry, can feel it in his chest and the hot race of blood to his head. He takes a couple of breaths, forces his voice down. “Look, it’s just not been great lately. I’m fine though, I’ll be fine.”

Furlan looks back at him for a long moment. Isabel’s face has fallen from the hard irritation into something sad, and Levi hates that look on her face, hates that it’s him she’s sad for. “Promise you’ll tell us if it gets worse?” Furlan says.

Levi lets out a breath. “Yeah, promise.”

The stupid fucking kid is driving Levi insane.

Three weeks now that he’s been looking for him – some idiotic teenage runaway, and Levi cannot track him down. The kid’s using a different alias everywhere he goes, is moving around the city, and, if Levi’s got the right guy, then he’s started getting himself mixed up in gang shit too. Kid’s from the suburbs, good family – a family that is not happy that Pyxis hasn’t found their son yet. Levi’s sick of it, stressed because Pyxis is pushing the case, annoyed because Flagon has now been directed to help him on it, and fucking tired of it all.

Which is how he winds up on the outskirts of the city, baseball cap drawn over his face, knife in his pocket, going into what he knows is the Marias’ favorite pub on a Saturday night. They’re a relatively minor gang but have a wide reaching ketamine distribution and they don’t like competition. Apparently kid’s got some friends in the gang – how he knows them when he’s lived an hour south of the city his entire life is beyond him.

Levi walks into the bar and scans the room. He recognizes three Maria’s in the back right away, but lets his eyes drift naturally around the room as he goes to the bar to get a beer. He pulls out the fake ID when asked – today he is Eric Renfield – and stands by the bar as he sips his drink. The place is already half full.

He watches the door and keeps sipping his drink for the next hour, hoping the kid will come in. Would make his life a lot easier. He orders another beer and then makes his way over to the table in the back when he’s been there over an hour.

They three guys look up at him when he gets to their booth. Levi snags a bar stool and pulls it over but doesn’t sit on it, just leans his hands down against it.

One of the guys looks him up and down. “Piss off, kid,” he says, and turns back towards the others. But another guy squints at him and Levi doesn’t move.

“No, hey,” he says, and Levi tries to remember his name, because he recognizes him – Sam? Sid? He taps the guy sitting next to him and a vicious smile breaks out on his face. “It’s Kenny’s kid.”

Guy number two looks back at him again, more intrigue this time. “Ackerman?” he says.

Sam (Levi’s going with Sam) keeps looking at him with that smile that’s putting Levi on edge, though he keeps his expression blank.

“I’m looking for a kid,” Levi says, wastes no time. “Heard he’s got some friends in the Maria’s. I’ll pay you.”

Guy number three glances down at his phone, then taps Sam to let him out of the seat. “Gotta take a call,” he says. Sam moves to let him by.

Levi keeps himself turned towards him as he exits the booth, carefully keeps the stool between himself and the table, but the guy moves past without so much as a glance towards him.

“Alright, kid,” Sam says, “I’ll bite. Who’re you looking for?”

“He’s going by Luke Samson,” Levi says, and pulls out the picture from his wallet. “But last week he was Tyler Vincent, so take your pick.”

Sam looks down at the picture – an average looking kid, sixteen years old – it’s a school picture, his smile bright. He looks back up at Levi. “You said there was cash involved?”

Levi sighs and takes out his wallet. He puts a hundred-dollar bill down on the table – it’s not his cash, is money from Pyxis that the client, the kid’s parents, paid, specifically for this purpose. Sam looks down at the bill and then back up at Levi, an eyebrow raised.

Levi grits his teeth and takes out another hundred-dollar bill. It still doesn’t mean he can go wasting it all here tonight.

“Hm,” Sam says, picking up the cash. “Where you getting money like this, Levi? Haven’t seen you around in a while and Kenny’s gone disappeared again – heard he was out in Chicago.”

“You gonna tell me anything about the kid or am I wasting my time?” Levi says. He knows fuck-all of where Kenny is – he’s half inclined to think he up and died. Wouldn’t shock him. Though he’s something like a cockroach – keeps popping back up, even after all the shit he’s done.

“Yeah, I’ve seen him,” Sam says. “Hangs out with one of our guys.”

“This guy got a name?” Levi says.

“If you got another bill.”

“I gave you two hundred and you’ve given me shit all,” Levi says. He wonders if Sam thinks he’s an idiot or if he’s just pushing his luck. “Give me the name.”

“Alright, no need to get testy,” he says, smiling and Levi’s fingers curl on the bar stool he’s still leaning against. “Jean. That’s our guy. Don’t know a last name, so don’t ask.”

“He got an address?” Levi says.

“Not one I know,” Sam says.

“How about a phone number?”

“What you looking for this kid for anyway?” Sam says.

“If you don’t have any contact info for me then we’re done here,” Levi says. He starts to move, but Sam holds up a hand.

“Alright, alright,” he says, “I get it, you don’t wanna chat, fine. I can give you a phone number, but I don’t expect he’ll take your calls.”

“I think you might be wrong,” Levi says. He pulls a pen from his pocket. “What’s the number?”

Sam goes to his phone. He takes his time doing it, flips through contacts, then reads it out. Levi writes it on his arm. He doesn’t have great hopes that Jean will answer his calls, but he doesn’t need him to answer his calls to track his phone records. Hopefully he’s not smart enough to use a burner.

“I might know a better way to find this Luke kid though,” Sam says. He pauses.

“Yeah, and what might that be?” Levi says.

Sam raises his eyebrow again. Levi narrows his eyes but pulls out another bill.

“Kid’s got a shadow,” Sam says. “Strangest bodyguard I’ve ever seen but already broke a few bones since he’s been hanging around.”

“You got a name for this guy too?” Levi says.

“Ah, that’s the best part,” Sam says, smiling. “She’s a girl, looks like she’s fucking fifteen or something. Saw her throw a fully grown man to the ground.”

Levi narrows his eyes again, as things click into place. “She show up recently?” Levi says.

“Haven’t seen her before this week, but then again the kid’s only been here for a couple,” Sam says. “Don’t know her name though, so –”

“Asian, got a scar under her left eye?” Levi says.

Sam’s eyebrows raise and it’s all the answer Levi needs.

_Now why would Eren Jeager’s parents not mention that their adoptive daughter had also gone missing now?_ She hadn’t been when the case started – Pyxis had interviewed her. When did she disappear? Levi thinks – or is she commuting in every night? Is Eren even staying in the city or is he living somewhere outside it?

“What about a blonde kid?” Levi asks. It’s a gut feeling – if Eren’s sister is here too, then maybe his childhood best friend is as well. “Bowl cut, looks like he’s still in junior high, skinny, shorter than me.”

Sam’s fingers twitch, though his expression remains blank. Levi catches the movement, catalogues it. “You better put down some more bills if you want that info.”

He says it like it’s dangerous, and that peaks Levi’s interest, because the honor-roll, chess club captain is not exactly someone Levi would expect to be messing with whatever Eren and Mikasa have gotten into.

Levi puts down two hundred more and internally winces. Pyxis is not going to be happy that he blew so much in a night.

“You telling me Luke is working with Arlet?” Sam says.

“How do you know him?” Levi says. He’s using his real name then – odd, considering Eren keeps changing his.

“Surprised you haven’t heard about it yourself,” Sam says. “You’d know better than me.”

“Yeah, why’s that?” Levi says. He’s starting to get twitchy, and he forces his expression to stay blank and his body to be relaxed, not to give anything away.

“Arlet’s working for Zeke, has been for months, maybe longer,” Sam says.

And everything clicks into place. The missing piece – how Eren managed to get straight into the underworld of the city so quickly, how he’s bouncing around using aliases. Of course, Levi had thought about it before, but he couldn’t find any records of a connection. Then again, there wasn’t many records of Zeke Jeager at all. Levi had thought it a fake name. But this – this is too much.

Levi’s got a million questions – did Armin find Zeke? Did Zeke find Eren, and through him Armin? Does Eren’s parents know more than they’re telling? Eren’s been running around the Maria’s, not with Zeke, so does that mean he’s avoiding him? The fuck is Armin Arlet doing for Zeke anyway – what could he possibly be good for with Zeke?

“What’s he doing for him?” Levi says.

Sam shrugs. “How much more cash you got?”

“Not enough to keep playing this shitty game,” Levi says. He needs to make some calls, do some more research, meet back with Pyxis to figure out what the hell’s up with the kid’s parents. He starts to move away again but Sam stops him first.

“Hey, come on now, don’t be like that,” he says. “I’m really surprised you haven’t heard about it yet yourself.”

“I was never in with Zeke, that was Kenny,” Levi says. He’d stayed away from that shit. Zeke had ties to mafia and even Kenny hadn’t known just how far his heroine ring went. Zeke was secretive and paranoid, but always startlingly calm in front of others, and had a reputation for ruthless violence when it suited him. A sociopath. “You gonna tell me what he’s doing or what?”

“Word is he launders, runs books,” Sam says.

_Jesus Christ, what have these kids gotten into?_ Levi thinks. He really needs to have a talk with Pyxis. This has gone from a teenage runaway to a much bigger case, and Levi did not sign up for this shit.

“Hm,” Levi says. He moves the barstool back over.

“Levi, wait,” Sam says. “You don’t happen to have an idea on what your uncle’s up to, do you?”

It is at that moment, that Levi realizes that he’s almost left three times now, and three times Sam has continued the conversation. And at first Levi thought it was for money, and the second time he’d thought Sam just wanted to see if he could get some more information out of him, but now Levi freezes. He realizes the third guy never came back from that phone call. Sam hasn’t been being difficult and obtuse – he’s been stalling.

_Shit, shit, shit_ , Levi thinks. He glances around the bar, but he doesn’t recognize anyone. “I’ll see you around,” Levi says, trying not to let the tension he feels show, trying to play it off like he suspects nothing. Sam calls after him as Levi leaves the bar. He needs to get out of there.

He thinks of calling Erwin for a ride, but it’ll take him too long to get there – there’s a subway stop just a couple blocks away. Levi just needs to get on it – go anywhere, just get away from the bar. He doesn’t want to stick around to figure out just who that guy was calling. He’s got a pretty good idea of who it might be.

He pulls his knife as he exits the bar into the dark street and makes it all of five steps around the corner before someone grabs his arm and yanks him into a side alley. 


	2. Sugar Tea and Meeting Jean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin has a heart attack, Levi gets some unexpected time off, Jean provides some concerning information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note added tags.

It’s Saturday night and Erwin, Hange, Mike, Moblit, and Nanaba are all hanging out and drinking at Mike and Erwin’s. It’s a normal Saturday night for them. Levi is there with them more often than not, and Farlan and Isabel will also often join, but all three are absent now. Farlan has a game the next day so he’s headed to sleep early and Isabel is out with some friends in her year. Levi is working, which means Erwin’s just sipping a beer, waiting for a text telling him that Levi’s wrapping up. He’s out barhopping the places the kid he’s been trying to track down has been seen at, and he’d told Erwin numerous times that he’d get back on his own but Erwin insisted on picking him up.

It’s early though – or, early for them – just past eleven, when Erwin gets a call.

He frowns when he sees it. Levi almost never actually calls him, always just texts. He stands up as he taps the screen of his phone.

“Hello?”

He barely gets the word out before Levi’s voice is harsh in his ear, out of breath, rushed. “I’m passing the old cable factory now, I’m on – shit, I’m on twenty-second, I’ll head – I’m headed back near Greg’s diner, can you meet me there?”

“Yeah, yes, are you okay?” Erwin says. He walks into the kitchen, but all conversation has stopped at Erwin’s worried voice. His entire demeanor changed the instant he heard Levi’s voice.

There’s a beat of silence on the line. “I got stabbed,” Levi says. His voice is tight, and Erwin recognizes that it’s pain now.

“You – where? Are you alright, did you call the police, did –”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, just, meet me near Greg’s, okay?”

“Yes, I’m on my way,” Erwin says, fumbling for his wallet and his keys. Hange has stood up now, entered the kitchen behind him.

“Great, I’m gonna hang –”

“No, wait, stay on the line with me,” Erwin says. “How hurt are you?”

“I’ve gotta hang up, Er-”

“Why? You –”

“Because I need to hold my damn knife not the phone.”

Erwin is silent for a moment, his panic only ramping up. “Do you have your gun?”

“Levi has a gun?” Nanaba says.

“No, went straight from campus,” Levi says. “Didn’t really think I’d fucking need it. Hanging up now.”

The line goes dead and Erwin hears Hange yell something but he’s already out the door.

Erwin sees Levi walking on the empty street as he drives towards the diner. He had to GPS where the diner even was. He didn’t know Levi knew the area well enough to know it. Levi’s clutching at his arm and as Erwin pulls over he sees that Levi’s tied his jacket around his arm and there’s blood drenching the sleeve and staining his shirt, all over his hands.

Levi gets in and Erwin’s momentarily shocked by how red it is, how much blood is there. He’s got blood under his nose too, a bruise already forming on his jaw that Erwin just makes out in the dim lighting.

“Oh my God…” Erwin says, so quiet Levi doesn’t hear him. “Are you alright?”

Levi gives a clipped nod, face tight with pain. “I called Farlan, he knows we’re coming.”

“You don’t need a hospital?” Erwin says.

“No,” Levi says.

“Levi, are you –”

“They could be still hanging around, let’s go,” Levi says.

Erwin has so many questions but Levi’s voice is strained and quiet and Erwin drives. “What happened?” he says a few long moments later, after Levi’s collapsed into the seat, still gripping his arm, teeth gritted.

“Got jumped,” Levi says.

“They mugged you?” Erwin says.

“I don’t know what the hell they wanted,” Levi says. “Didn’t stay long enough to find out.”

He’s lying. Erwin is shocked more at how strongly and clearly he feels the ascertain than by the meaning itself. He’s positive of it. He’s not sure why – maybe it’s the way Levi’s voice changes pitch slightly, how he looks away. But he’s lying, Erwin realizes.

He decides this is not the time to focus on it. “Levi, I really think we should be going to a hospital,” Erwin says. There is a lot of blood. Unless most of it is not Levi’s, then Levi must have been cut badly enough to need a hospital.

“I don’t need a hospital, just drive back to my place, Farlan will help me,” Levi says.

“Levi –” Erwin starts.

“I can’t afford it,” Levi says. “We don’t have the money. Farlan knows how to take care of it, it’ll be fine.”

“I know you have insurance,” Erwin says. Levi’s a full-time undergrad student, he has to have insurance through the school if not through other means.

“It still costs money,” Levi says. His voice is strained and irritated, and Erwin can hear the pain underneath. “We can take care of it.”

Erwin takes a deep breath and drives.

Farlan is waiting for them with a large medical kit out on the kitchen table. Isabel isn’t home. And then Erwin watches as Farlan helps Levi wash the cut on his arm, and then they both sit down, and Farlan pulls out what is, Erwin realizes, a sutures kit. And Erwin feels sick.

“I know how to use it,” Farlan says before Erwin can ask anything and without looking up from the thread he’s getting ready. “I’ve done it before.” Erwin watches while Levi takes some Tylenol.

Erwin wants to argue, wants to say that this is crazy, but knows already that there is nothing he can say that will end up with Levi at a hospital rather than getting stitched up here. So instead he pulls up a chair and sits down and takes Levi’s free hand.

Levi doesn’t look while Farlan starts stitching the wound and Erwin doesn’t look either. Levi’s expression goes tight, pained, and he winces. He closes his eyes after a moment.

“Tell me about your day,” Levi says. “Or your classes, anything.”

So Erwin talks. He tells Levi about his class that morning, about getting lunch with Mike and Nanaba, about the party he was at before Levi called, about Hange’s latest rantings. Levi says very little in return. Erwin keeps talking about anything he can think of until Farlan is done. By the time it’s over Levi’s face is red and sweat has beaded up on his forehead, his grip crushing in Erwin’s hand, his teeth tightly gritted together. He looks exhausted as Farlan wraps it up for him.

“How you doing, Lee?” Farlan asks afterwards, rubbing his back for a moment.

“Hurts like a bitch,” Levi says. He looks over at the remains of his jacket, on the kitchen table. “Piece of shit ruined my good jacket.”

“You dizzy?” Farlan says. “Let me get you some juice.”

“We don’t have any juice,” Levi says.

“I’m gonna make you tea then and put a shit ton of sugar in it – I don’t want to hear it,” Farlan says.

“Fucking ruin my tea,” Levi says.

Erwin squeezes his hand, and Levi looks up, a pained, tired look on his face. He’s still pretty pale.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Farlan says, as he starts boiling water in a kettle. “Dizzy? Lightheaded?”

“I’m fine,” Levi says.

Farlan comes back and takes his wrist. He puts his fingers over it and Erwin realizes he’s checking Levi’s pulse. Levi let’s out a longsuffering sigh but lets him.

“Mm, lots of sugar,” Farlan says. He opens the fridge to pull out an apple, then puts it in front of Levi. “Eat that.”

“You’re a shitty nurse,” Levi says.

“You’re an annoying patient,” Farlan says.

Levi lets go of Erwin’s hand to pick up the apple and take a bite.

“What happened?” Erwin says. “You said you got jumped?”

Levi nods. “Leaving the bar.”

“How much of that blood is yours?” Farlan says, pointing at the jacket.

Levi looks down at his shirt though. He cringes. “Fuck, I need a shower.”

“Tea first,” Farlan says.

“Far-”

“You are not standing up until you get some fluids and sugar in you,” Farlan says. “You’re gonna make yourself pass out.”

“I fucking walked like ten blocks just fine, I’m not gonna pass out,” Levi says.

“You walked ten blocks on adrenaline while there was more blood in you than there currently is,” Farlan says. “You fucking pass out and we’re taking you to the hospital, Levi.”

“And what exactly are you going to tell them about the stitches then?” Levi says.

Farlan turns to grin at him. “I’ll say I’m a med student in training and I took the opportunity to practice.”

“You’re fucked up,” Levi says. He looks down at himself, starts to grimace. “I need a shower. There’s blood all fucking over me.”

“Erwin can get you a washcloth,” Farlan says.

Erwin gets up as he says it. He finds a towel in the bathroom, and then fills a bowl from the kitchen with warm water and brings both back to Levi. Levi glares at the items.

He cleans blood off of himself as well as he can – he’s already taken his shirt off. There’s less on his jeans. When Farlan brings him the tea, Levi scowls at that too. He takes a sip and his eyes widen.

“This is _disgusting_ ,” Levi says, the words absolutely venomous.

“Drink it,” Farlan says. “Sugar and fluids, or no shower.”

“I’m gonna remind you of this the next time you’re hungover and whine about having to drink water,” Levi says.

“You try to fucking _drown_ me, Levi –”

“Fluids,” Levi says. He takes another sip of the tea and grimaces.

Farlan comes back and sits down at the table. He glances at the bloody jacket again. “You didn’t actually kill anyone, right?”

“Jesus Christ, Farlan, no,” Levi says, head snapping over to him.

“Positive?” Farlan says.

“Yes, Farlan, worst I did was cut his shoulder – he’s definitely not gonna die.”

“Just checking,” Farlan says.

Erwin is a bit at a loss, watching the entire thing. He takes in a breath. “Did you want to file a police report?” he says.

“And tell them what?” Levi says. “I didn’t get a look at his face, fight only lasted like a minute before I booked it out of there.”

“Are you sure?” Erwin says. He frowns. Levi nods.

Levi finishes the tea, insists on taking a shower, and Farlan makes him keep the door cracked open so that if he passes out they’ll hear him fall. Levi grumbles about it but does it anyway. When he comes out, he looks a bit better.

“My arm hurts,” Levi says, and there’s a flash of regret, of guilt in his eyes that just confuses Erwin, as he keeps talking. “My bed’s too small, and I’m really fucking tired. Can I meet you for breakfast on campus tomorrow?”

Erwin is… a little thrown. He gets that it would probably be uncomfortable for Levi, no matter how they positioned themselves, on his twin bed with his arm hurt, but it feels… odd for him. When he gets migraines, he almost always spends the night with Erwin, wants the comfort. Erwin would suggest that he just sleep on the couch, but Levi’s pretty clearly kicking him out. Erwin doesn’t quite believe that Levi’s only reason for not wanting to go back to Erwin’s apartment, where he has a queen sized bed, plenty of room, is that he’s too tired for the twenty-minute drive.

Erwin frowns. “Levi, are you sure you’re alright?” he says, his voice quiet.

“Arm hurts and I’m tired but yeah, I’m alright,” he says.

“It sounded pretty terrifying,” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs. “Not the first time I’ve gotten jumped. I’m fine.”

So Erwin leaves, feeling pretty terrible about the whole thing.

As soon as Erwin is gone, Levi puts his head in his hands, elbows against the kitchen table.

“What happened?” Farlan says.

Levi lets out a sigh. “It was one of the Maria’s,” he says.

Farlan’s expression changes to one of shock, confusion. “The Maria’s? What the fuck’s their problem with you?”

Levi takes in a deep breath. “The guy – he went out to make a phone call. He was waiting for me when I left. I think whoever he called was the one who really wanted something from me.”

Farlan goes rigid. There’s a tense pause. “You think it’s Lovof?”

“Who the hell else would it be?” Levi says.

“Could be Reiss.”

“Reiss doesn’t give a fuck about me,” Levi says. “She only knows my name because of Kenny.”

“You’ve gotta talk to Pyxis,” Farlan says.

“You have no idea,” Levi says. He looks back up to meet Farlan’s eyes. “Wait ‘till you hear this shit.”

The only good part of getting stabbed is that Levi was technically on the clock, and so Pyxis has to pay him for any time missed because of injury.

It means that for a week while his arm is healing, Levi does some light desk work only, and gets paid for the hours he would have spent out in the field even though he’s not working. It gives him some more time which he mostly spends catching up on sleep and homework. When Pyxis asks about the hospital bill, Levi talks around the subject until Pyxis pulls it out of him that he didn’t go to any kind of healthcare facility at all.

“Levi, you know we would have paid for any medical care you needed because of something that happens on the job, right?” Pyxis says.

Levi hadn’t known that. Though it didn’t much matter. He still wouldn’t have gone. He didn’t want to try to explain what happened, didn’t want to involve the police, and he hates hospitals. Not that anyone really likes them, but he hates people even touching him. The idea of some stranger with their hands on his skin, touching a wound, in a place full of sick people, filthy with disease, was enough to make his skin crawl.

Pyxis sets up another meeting with Eren Jeager’s parents and Levi convinces Pyxis to let him sit in on it too. Levi’s been digging through more records but he still can’t find any mention of a Zeke Jeager. Nothing. He starts looking through Eren’s parents’ records instead. Everything looks spotless, nothing out of the ordinary. He can’t find a family connection, and comes to the conclusion that this is either an amazing coincidence or someone’s scrubbed their records. He’s inclined to believe the latter.

While the knowledge that someone wants him for something, and was willing to attack him for it, is not exactly comforting, Levi’s not overly worried. He’ll be more careful next time, keep his guard up more. If it’s Lovof, Levi’s more interested in why the hell he’s coming after him _now_ than what he actually wants. It’s been three years since Levi’s even seen him, and their last meeting was not exactly cordial. But he has no idea who else it could be. Despite Kenny’s wide-ranging involvement with the city underworld, Levi had only ever been tangentially involved. Lovof is the only one he’d done more than a couple one-off side jobs for.

Less work for a week gives him some downtime though, and Levi’s able to relax a bit. He goes out to eat to a restaurant with Erwin that Wednesday and it’s just… really nice. They haven’t gone on an actual _date_ in weeks. Have been on very few real dates ever actually. They’d started officially dating over the summer, but they’d been hooking up sporadically for months earlier. Somehow movie nights and casual walks to the park and convenient lunches together turned into more deliberate outings, and Levi’s brash humor turned into teasing flirting, and Erwin’s smiles kept softening, until Levi realized he was spending most of his time with Erwin, that he liked kissing and not just fucking, that he was going over to Erwin’s place just to see him, just to talk.

It hit a tipping point when Levi got a bad migraine while he was out in town. He’d taken the subway back to Erwin’s apartment, and spent the rest of the afternoon as a ball on Erwin’s couch while Erwin rubbed his arm and let him use his leg as a pillow. And Levi only thought about it afterwards, how he’d gone to Erwin’s and not back to his own apartment, how he’d wanted Erwin’s comfort when he was in pain, how Erwin had let him in without a question and sat with him for the next several hours.

And the next day Levi asked Erwin if he was ever planning on actually asking him out or if Erwin thought he was just going to sneak his way into dating Levi. And Erwin had looked back at him with a sheepish grin.

They get dinner and Erwin pays and Levi tries not to feel bad about that. Erwin insists that since it was his idea to go, he was technically taking Levi on the date, and so he has to pay. Levi rolls his eyes but lets him.

They go back to Erwin’s, wind up in Erwin’s bedroom, and Erwin kisses down his jaw, collarbone, chest. He’s unhurried, and it’s been a while since Levi has let him indulge like this. He’s been too busy, too stressed, and too tired. They’d still had sex, because Levi has a terribly high libido, which he finds immensely annoying, but it’s been rushed and almost overly efficient for the past couple weeks. Levi doesn’t have work the next morning though, doesn’t have any homework or studying that needs to be done, and they have all night.

Still, patience has never been a virtue which anyone was about to apply to Levi.

“Erwin,” Levi says. He thrusts his hips upwards and let’s out an annoyed growl when Erwin moves away, shifting up on his knees, over Levi.

“Shh,” Erwin says. He plants one hand down on Levi’s hip, keeping him in place, and uses the other to brush a thumb repeatedly over Levi’s nipple.

“Erwin, come on,” Levi says. He reaches down to run a hand down Erwin’s chest, to grope at his cock through his pants.

Erwin pinches Levi’s nipple in answer and Levi flinches, lets out a stuttering groan when Erwin doesn’t let go and then swallows back a whine. Levi’s nipples are sensitive, and Erwin knows it. Levi settles on a glare as Erwin’s lips curl into a sharp smile. Erwin grabs up Levi’s wrists then and brings them so that he holds both down with one hand, pressing them into the mattress, and Levi feels a hot shot of arousal spread from his stomach.

It’s not a strong hold, really just pressure over his wrists. Levi knows he could break from it easily and with little resistance, but he doesn’t. He lets Erwin start toying with his other nipple as he kisses Levi’s jaw again. “Erwin,” Levi says again, tries again to buck his hips up, but there’s nothing there, no friction to be found. Levi’s jeans are off but he’s still in his boxers. “Come on,” Levi says. “Touch me.”

“Maybe if you asked nicely,” Erwin says. 

“ _Erwin_.” Levi growls.

“Yes, Levi?” Erwin says. He reaches up to tug lightly at Levi’s hair, and then kisses down Levi’s collarbone and chest until he’s sucking on a nipple. Levi arches into it, head flopping back. His face heats up. _Fuck it_.

“Please, touch me,” Levi says. He feels his face flush some more, and Erwin hums against his skin.

And then Erwin leans up to give Levi a devilish smirk. “Beg,” he says.

_Tears on his face, head pressed into the table, another streak of sharp pain._

_“Ackerman’s don’t beg.”_

“Levi?” Erwin says. Levi blinks. He’s gone completely tense. Erwin lets go of his wrists. “Levi, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Levi says, relaxing again, shaking the memory away, the image of Kenny’s hat drawn up on his face, the belt sliding between his hands. Levi swallows. “I’m fine,” he says.

Erwin frowns at him. He runs a hand down Levi’s arm then, gentle. “You froze for a second,” he says. “You don’t like that?”

“Uh,” Levi says, because he had liked it, it really hadn’t been anything they hadn’t done before and –

“I know you said you weren’t really into humiliation, was that too close? We don’t have to –”

“No, Erwin, it’s fine,” Levi says, closing his eyes for a second. He does not need to go through the entire kink discussion that Erwin insisted on having again. “I just, uh, yeah, I don’t like that. It’s fine though.”

Erwin still looks at him with that worried, careful look. Levi sighs, lets himself sink back a bit into the pillows. “Okay,” Erwin says, “but you know –”

“Green yellow red – I know,” Levi says. Erwin was not the person to introduce Levi to the concept of safe words, but he was certainly the most meticulous about it.

Erwin’s expression softens, and Levi relaxes again. “Okay,” he says. He leans back down to kiss Levi again, on the mouth this time, and Levi is more than happy to reciprocate.

Levi’s only had the gun for a few months. Pyxis paid for the classes and the gun itself, was the one who insisted Levi get one. Levi doesn’t like guns. He’s much more comfortable with knives, both because they are far less lethal and because he grew up carrying them, fighting with them when necessary. But Levi has been in some shit spots before, and he could see the positives of owning one. He’s shot guns before, but never legally owned ones. He’d never actually shot a person, and hopes that he never does.

Farlan had thrown a fit. He went so far as threatening to call the police and tell them that Levi was a danger to himself if he bought one. Levi had argued back, said Farlan was overreacting, was grossly exaggerating his issues, said it was for protection, that it would keep him safe, was only for truly dangerous situations anyway. He didn’t plan on carrying it everyday or anything.

It’s still a point of tension. After several arguments, Isabel bursting into tears, and Farlan not backing off his threat to call Levi’s therapist, call the police, the college, whatever it took, Levi agreed to some conditions.

They have two safes. Only Farlan knows the combination to the second one. The agreement was that he had the right to move the gun to the second safe at any time if he thought Levi was behaving recklessly or might try to hurt himself.

After the stitches come out and Levi’s planning on going out again, after some hesitation, he decides that it might be good to bring it this time. He doesn’t think he’ll need it, because he’s only planning on talking to Jean, but he’s being a bit more cautious than usual, just in case he happens to run into any other Maria’s. He decides to bring the gun.

It is not in his safe.

“I need the gun,” Levi says.

“No,” Farlan says, from where he’s making dinner at the stove, Isabel sitting at the kitchen table, suddenly looking up and alert.

“Farlan.”

“Not happening.”

Levi takes a deep breath, forces his words to come out calmly. “Farlan, I’m doing fine. I’m going to see if I can find this Jean kid tonight, and I don’t know if the Maria’s are going to try to jump me again. I just want it just in case I need it. I’ll be back before eleven. Erwin’s picking me up.”

“If it’s that dangerous than you shouldn’t be going alone, and Flagon can take a gun,” Farlan says.

Levi grits his teeth. “It’s just a precaution,” he says, “I don’t expect to use it. The Maria’s know me. Flagon’s already getting a reputation as a snitch. I can’t risk anyone –”

“Then bring someone else,” Farlan says.

“No one else does fieldwork like we do,” Levi says. “Look, I’m going whether you give it to me or not, and I’ll be safer with it.”

Farlan eyes him for a long moment. “You’re gonna be back by eleven.”

“Yes.”

“It’s going back in my safe afterwards.”

Levi exhales. “Sure,” he says.

Farlan lets out a breath. He goes into their room and comes back out a minute later, gun in hand. Levi takes it from him.

Jean Kirstein. Kid hadn’t been smart enough to use a burner phone. Levi was able to get an address from the phone records, and he finds himself loitering outside a small apartment building in a residential area. A Facebook search shows that Jean is seventeen, and Levi confirms that he was correct in assuming that he lived with his parents.

_Stupid brat_ , Levi thinks. It’s a nice neighborhood. Not especially well-to-do but clearly the kid’s got options. He definitely doesn’t need to be running around selling ketamine with the Maria’s.

Levi waits outside the building on a park bench, pretending to be reading. It pays off and he sees Jean exit the building to start walking down the street. Levi starts following him. He waits until they get into a worse lit area, where no one is around and then he catches up a bit, stops trying to hide himself.

“It’s Jean, right?” Levi says. Jean freezes, then looks over his shoulder, a suspicious, hard look on his face. “You know who I am?”

Jean looks him up and down. “Are you this Levi guy who was asking about me?”

“Yeah, that’s me. I heard you might know my friend Luke.”

“Yeah, you can fuck off,” Jean says. He turns away.

Levi grabs the back of his coat and yanks him back, then shoves him against a wall, standing directly in front of him this time. “Let’s try again,” Levi says. “How do you know Luke and where is he now?”

“Jesus, we just went to camp together in grade school, back off,” Jean says, his eyes widening, putting his hands up.

Well that wasn’t what Levi was expecting. “Right,” Levi says, “so you know Eren Jeager pretty well then?”

Jean freezes, and then glances to either side. “Look, Eren’s a basket case, I barely know him, so I don’t know what you want, but –”

“Give me an address,” Levi says.

“I think he lives over in Shiganshi-”

“ _Current_ address,” Levi says.

“I don’t know, man, he showed up out of nowhere, I don’t know where the fuck he lives.”

“How about his sister, Mikasa?” Levi says.

Jean’s eyes narrow. “What do you want with Mikasa?”

“She’s a bit attached to Eren, now isn’t she?” Levi says. “Do you know Armin Arlet too then?”

“I don’t want any part in what Zeke’s doing,” Jean says. “I just do my job.”

“I’m not looking for Zeke, I’m looking for Eren,” Levi says. “You wanna tell me why he’s such a hard guy to track down?”

“Told you, Eren’s batshit,” Jean says.

“Why do you say that?” Levi says.

“He’s fucking suicidal, I told him he’s going to get himself killed with the people he’s messing with,” Jean says.

“I heard he was hanging around the Maria’s,” Levi says. “You really think so badly of your own people?”

“That’s not it. He keeps going on about the Reiss’s,” Jean says. “Convinced he needs to meet Rod.”

Levi freezes. “What the fuck does he want with Rod?”

“Fuck if I know,” Jean says.

What the hell did Eren want with Inner Sina? Not to mention, with Rod specifically? Frieda took over when Uri died, and her brothers did most of the dirty work. Rod was always a coward, at least, that’s how Kenny always described him. Levi had only met him a couple times. And what the _fuck_ did Eren think he was doing, screwing around with the Reiss’s?

“You tell him that was a shit fucking idea?” Levi says. The kid _is_ going to get himself killed.

Jean shrugs. “Eren won’t listen to anyone.”

“Why Rod specifically?” Levi says. “Why not Frieda if he’s really that stupid?”

Jean’s expression changes, eyebrows going down in confusion. “Because dead people don’t really talk?”

Levi feels a jolt. “Frieda is dead?”

“Dude, who the hell _are_ you?”

“Frieda is dead? Since when?” Levi says.

“For like a month now, you didn’t hear about the murders?”

“No, what murders?”

Jean’s lip curls. “You know, Sam made you sound like this –”

Levi shoves him back into the wall again. “I’m losing my patience, brat, you better tell me what the fuck happened to –”

“Jesus, alright, if you’re really that out of the loop – they’re all dead, the Reiss’s, except Rod. Poison. No one knows who did it – some say Zeke, some think it’s the other big players in Inner Sina. Doesn’t much matter, it’s a goddamn civil war over there right now – everyone knows Rod isn’t gonna last.”

Frieda was dead. The Reiss’s were dead, leaving Rod? Jean was right, there was no way Rod was going to escape this still in power, if he got out with his life at all. Levi’s surprised he hasn’t already left the state. He must really be that desperate to hang onto power – or that stupid. The Reiss’s had been head of Inner Sina for so long, but with the rest of his family wiped out, the others were sure to try to oust him. But what the fuck did all that have to do with Eren Jeager?

Levi needed to find this kid.

“One more thing,” Levi says. “Why the hell did one of your guys jump me last week?”

Jean tenses. “Look, I’ve got nothing to do with that. I just run deliveries for them, okay? I don’t –”

“I don’t give a fuck,” Levi says. “Answer the question.”

Jean glances to the side. “There’s a prize on you,” he says.

Levi feels a chill go down his spine. “You mean a hit?”

“No,” Jean says. “Just, Maria’s owe him or something, Lovof – he wants to see you.”

Levi swallows, forces his tone even and blank. “What for?”

Jean shrugs. “I don’t know, man.”

Fucking Lovof. “And he didn’t think to just call?” Levi says. Levi _is_ smart enough to have a burner, but he’s pretty sure Lovof could track him down pretty easily if he wanted to. Levi hadn’t been reckless, but he hadn’t tried to hide either. He kept his involvement with Pyxis quiet, but that was just to keep people from thinking he’s a snitch. He never expected anyone to really come after him. He didn’t really have any ties to Kenny anymore and the only one he’d ever really pissed off himself was Lovof. And that had been taken care of.

Of course, if Frieda was dead and with Kenny no longer in the picture, then that might not be the case anymore.


	3. Storm Clouds and Bad Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of Levi's bad choices are surfacing, both current and past ones.

The week he had off from field work while his arm healed is starting to feel more and more like it was just the calm before the storm. Lovof is looking for him and Frieda is dead. The more Levi thinks about that, the more worried he starts to get.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine, Lee,” Farlan says, while Levi lies on the couch with an icepack on his head, eyes shut, after another migraine, two days after he met with Jean. “It’s been almost four years, and Kenny paid off your debt anyway. He’s got no reason to go after you.”

“Yeah, except he apparently is,” Levi says.

“You should get Pyxis to take you off the case,” Farlan says.

“Yeah,” Levi says. Levi had talked to Pyxis, told him this was out of their league, the parents should go to the police. Apparently Grisha and Carla were worried about their son’s involvement, afraid that he was mixed up in something that could get him arrested. Levi had told Pyxis to impart upon the parents that an incarcerated son was better than a dead son.

Levi didn’t actually know how much the police could do though. They’d already filed a missing person’s report, but obviously the police hadn’t managed to find him, if they were even still trying. It was clear he was a runaway, not kidnapped or anything, so Levi didn’t think they really cared that much.

It was a shitshow anyway though – at this point, Levi’s not sure what Pyxis or the kid’s parents expect him to do when he does find Eren. Sure, Levi can call the police and they’ll come pick him up, but nothing’s stopping him from running away again. He seems like the type that would do it.

“You don’t have to keep getting into this, Levi,” Farlan says. “I know you. Don’t get sucked into this.”

“I don’t like any of this either, Far,” Levi says.

This isn’t typical work for him. He’s not usually talking to the Maria’s or fishing for information on Inner Sina, the Titans, and the other major gangs of the city. When he does need to talk to contacts (and that’s really only a small portion of his work anyway), it’s usually enough to know the bar owner, to give some former friends a call, to meet up with dealers. He hasn’t seen Lovof in almost four years and has no intention of seeing him now.

Levi gets up. His headache is fading but he’s starting to feel almost sick and his skin is prickling. He goes to the bathroom and turns on the water, lets it heat up before stepping into the spray.

Levi stands in the shower, head tilted down, letting the water run down his hair, over his eyes and nose and lips, to drip off his chin and slide down the back of his neck. The water is hot, but his skin has gone almost numb to it. He keeps his eyes closed, breathing in the steam and letting it fill his lungs. It’s an odd kind of stillness. Levi’s mind is drifting, but he wouldn’t really call himself relaxed.

When he was younger, he would fill up the tub in Kenny’s apartment with near boiling water, and with the lights shut off, lean back to dip his head under the water, holding his breath for as long as he could.

They don’t have a tub now. So Levi stands, and breaths, and keeps his eyes shut.

Isabel’s screech and accompanying banging makes him jump. “Big bro, it’s been thirty fucking minutes!”

Levi tenses up and opens his eyes to scowl in the direction of the door. “I’ll be out in a minute, Jesus,” he says.

He hears Isabel’s footsteps retreating and lets out another breath. He’s been in the shower for more than thirty minutes. Isabel wasn’t home from practice yet when he got in. He’s not sure how long it has been.

He doesn’t want to get out though. Once he gets out he has to start on homework, and his skin will start itching again, and he just wants a few more minutes of quiet and calm and soothing heat.

He touches his hands, opens his eyes again to look down at them. They’re not bleeding, but they’re still cracked and raw from when he’d scrubbed them too much a few days ago, and he can feel that itch, the pull to do it again.

Levi takes a few deep breaths, a conscious effort this time. _I’m fine_ , he thinks. He clenches his hands, feels his knuckles twinge. _I’m fine_ , he thinks again. He breathes in the heat, feels his muscles relax again, his mind drifting back, the tension easing.

_BangBangBang!_ “Levi, I need the shower!”

Levi’s head jerks up again and he can’t help the wave of irritated anger, of frustration. “Alright, Isabel!” he says.

There’s silence on the other end of the door and Levi takes a deep breath. An unexpected and sudden surge of anxiety bubbles up right after the anger. _I’m fine_ , Levi thinks. He moves his hands up, fingers curling in his hair, tensing to white knuckles. _I’m fine_.

He takes some more deep breaths. Water slips over his lips, falls over his fingers where they’re in his hair. Levi doesn’t want to get out, doesn’t want to leave the safe warmth, the clean, sterile shower. He wants to curl into a ball. Wants to slip his head under water. He feels another dual wave of frustrated irritation and sliding anxiety. He knows it’s not fair to be angry at Isabel, but he just wants to sit on the shower floor and let the water beat down on him, and it’s a growing helpless feeling, a trapped sensation, knowing he can’t do that, he has to get out.

_This is stupid_ , Levi thinks. But he doesn’t get out, doesn’t shut the water off. There’s a soft knock at the door a minute later.

“Lee? Are you doing okay?” Farlan says.

His voice is soft and not jarring like Isabel’s had been. Levi sighs, tenses up anyway. “I’m fine, I’ll be out in a minute,” he says.

There’s a pause. “Lee, do you need a few minutes?”

And Levi takes in a shaky breath, because Farlan really does know him too well. He swallows, because suddenly there’s a lump in his throat, and he doesn’t know why, doesn’t know why he’s suddenly cold either. “Yeah,” he says.

“Okay,” Farlan says.

Levi stays in the shower for another ten minutes before he finally shuts the water off. When he leaves the bathroom he doesn’t look for Farlan or Isabel, just goes straight to his bedroom and shuts the door. He lies down on his bed, closes his eyes, and tries to breathe.

He’s grateful that Farlan doesn’t follow him in. His alternating prying concern and stern lectures are starting to grate at Levi. Farlan’s already reminded Levi three times that he needs to pick up his meds soon, has once again confiscated his gun, and has been worrying at him constantly about how he’s doing. Levi knows that’s not Farlan’s fault either, that really it’s Levi’s fault for all the shit he’s put Farlan through over the past several years, but it’s starting to feel suffocating.

But the longer Levi lies there on his bed, the more his skin itches and the sheets bother him and the more he thinks about Frieda Reiss and the images of Lovof staring him down with cold blue eyes, arms crossed – he can feel the dirty cement under his knees. The more he thinks about stupid Jeager and about his neuroscience exam and about the phone bill they still haven’t paid.

Levi thinks about getting up and telling Farlan he’s having a bad night. He thinks about going for his drawer and saying fuck you to his homework and taking a pill instead. He thinks about calling Erwin, and is surprised by the sudden urge to do so.

Levi picks up his phone. He swipes it open and goes to the contacts, goes to text on reflex, but then pauses. He wants to hear Erwin’s voice.

_What sappy fucking shit_ , Levi thinks, and almost cringes to himself. But he taps the icon anyway, pushes away the voice in his head telling him he’s pathetic again (it always does sound like Kenny).

“Hello?” Erwin says, picks up after one ring.

“Hey,” Levi says, voice quiet, doesn’t want Farlan or Isabel hearing him. He realizes as the silence stretches for a moment that he has no idea what he was actually planning on saying.

“Hey,” Erwin says though, and Levi can practically hear the smile in his voice. It has something in his chest relaxing. He wonders if it’s too late to walk to Erwin’s apartment, too late to ask if Erwin will come pick him up. “How are you?”

“Fine,” Levi says. He winces. It’s an automatic response, and he tries to sift through his words then. “I’m tired,” Levi says, because that’s what he usually says when he’s having a bad night, but it’s not what he wants to say at all, he realizes as soon as the words leave his mouth. “I’m…” Levi says.

Erwin waits, patient, and Levi closes his eyes.

“It’s been kind of a shitty day,” Levi says, because that’s easier.

“What happened?” Erwin says.

“Nothing, it’s just –” Levi cuts off. But that’s just it. Nothing’s really happened, he just hasn’t felt good. “I got a migraine,” he says.

“Are you feeling better now?” Erwin says.

“No,” Levi says, though the migraine is gone now, just down to the dregs, a slight ache.

“Do you want me to come over?” Erwin says.

_Yes._ Levi swallows. “No, it’s okay, I just…” _Wanted to hear you_.

There is something safe about Erwin that feels as if it would dissolve entirely if he knew just what went on in Levi’s head, just what Levi’s done and what he’s been through. Some kind of pretend safeness, a naïve perceived invincibility, because Erwin is separate from that part of his life, as if nothing from that part of his life can touch Erwin – and Levi is afraid of losing that. It’s a childish sense of safety, hands over his eyes, but it’s comforting and feels real – he can’t help it.

(In his worst moments, Levi feels like he’s just playing house – with the law-school boyfriend who cooks him dinner and holds him when he’s hurting, who picks him up after work because he’s worried about him getting home. Levi feels both like he’s just playing Erwin, tasting something he can’t really have while giving Erwin the illusion that it’s real, and like he’ll never be what Erwin really wants, deserves.)

“Levi? Are you sure?” Erwin says.

Levi swallows. “Yeah.”

There is an orange plastic prescription pill bottle that sits in the corner of Levi’s desk in his apartment. He has another identical bottle which is kept in his bag at Erwin’s apartment. Both have the labels peeled off of them. Levi has never told Erwin what the pills are for and Erwin has never asked. The peeled off labels are a pretty clear indication that he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Erwin had originally assumed that they were for his migraines. But it didn’t make a lot of sense why he would be hiding the fact that the pills were for migraines. Erwin thinks it might be for OCD, but he doesn’t know for sure. They have never talked about Levi’s anxious cleaning in anything but vague and fleeting comments, but it’s very clear to Erwin that it at the very least borders on unhealthy. Erwin’s not sure what else it could be, something that Levi doesn’t want other people to know about. Levi takes it every morning when he gets up, always one of the first things he does.

Erwin thinks about this when Farlan bursts into the living room from his and Levi’s bedroom on a Tuesday night with a tight, glaring expression, holding said orange plastic bottle.

“Levi,” Farlan says.

Levi turns to look at him from where he and Erwin sit on the couch in the apartment. They had been eating dinner and watching a movie. Erwin had brought over beer. Farlan had only just gotten home, Isabel still not home yet.

Erwin frowns and looks over at Levi, but his expression has gone completely blank, albeit with a hard line to it.

“ _Farlan_ ,” Levi says, and it sounds like a warning.

Farlan’s eyes narrow. “Get your wallet.”

“For fuck’s sake, Farlan,” Levi says.

“Tonight, Levi.”

“Erwin’s been drinking.”

Erwin has had three quarters of a beer, but he chooses to stay quiet, watching the scene unfold with growing confusion and worry.

“You can walk,” Farlan says.

Levi’s jaw clicks. “I’ll go tomorrow.”

“You said that two days ago.”

They stare at each other for another long moment. Erwin rarely sees Farlan like this. Farlan is almost always very easy going, very friendly, and it always scares Erwin a little when Farlan gets very serious.

“I get paid tomorrow,” Levi says.

“How many days have you skipped in a row?” Farlan says.

_Oh_.

Erwin looks over at Levi, frown deepening. “You haven’t been taking your medication?”

Levi tenses. “A couple days doesn’t make a difference,” he says without looking at him.

“That’s not true,” Farlan says.

“I feel fine.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Farlan says, voice dropping.

There is a very tense moment of pause, the two of them staring back at each other. Erwin clears his throat.

“Levi, let’s go to the pharmacy,” he says. Levi tenses some more, hesitates, and Erwin stands up. “Come on,” he says, “it’ll take five minutes, come on.”

Levi finally lets out a huff and gets up, disappearing into his bedroom for a moment before coming back out with a jacket and his wallet. He puts on shoes by the door. Farlan crosses his arms and the two of them glare at each other some more, though Farlan’s stance is much more relaxed now.

They leave the apartment and walk in silence to Erwin’s car. Despite what Levi had said, Erwin is still sober, so they’ll drive. It’s not far. Once they get into the car and Erwin pulls out of the parking lot he glances over at Levi.

He wonders if this is a bad time to ask. He wonders if he should have asked a long time ago.

“How come you haven’t been taking them?” Erwin asks instead, and doesn’t know if that’s a better question or not.

Levi slumps against the window, shrugs. He’s silent for a long moment, to the point where Erwin doesn’t think he’s going to respond. “I don’t like how they make me feel,” he says.

Erwin pauses. “How do they make you feel?” he says.

“Foggy,” Levi says, without pausing this time. “Nauseous sometimes.”

“Can you change them?” Erwin says, frowning. He knows vomiting makes Levi very anxious and unsettled, and he imagines feeling nauseous probably does some of the same.

Levi shrugs again. “I’ve tried a couple.”

Erwin has no idea how long he’s been taking them – for the entirety of the time they’ve been dating, but that’s only been a couple of months. He remembers seeing Levi take them before they’d started dating too, when they’d just been hooking up, so it’s been a few months at least, but Erwin doesn’t know if it’s really been much longer.

“What are they for?” Erwin says.

Erwin glances over to see Levi looking straight ahead, teeth clenched. “My head,” he says.

Erwin pauses. That is maybe the most vague answer he could have given, and Erwin’s not sure how much to push. Head could mean migraines, though Erwin doesn’t think it does. “They’re for anxiety?” Erwin says.

He waits, tenses a little, for Levi’s response. Levi just lets out a breath, almost a huff. “Sort of,” he says.

OCD then, Erwin thinks. But then he wonders if it’s for depression – it wouldn’t shock him, but it does cause a little twinge of hurt, of worry. He knows Levi has bad days, knows he’s always very stressed, often very tired. He doesn’t really seem depressed, but Erwin wouldn’t be surprised if he said he was either.

Erwin reaches over to place a hand on Levi’s thigh, just above his knee. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Erwin says. “But I’m here if you do want to.”

Levi lets out a real huff then, and Erwin knows without looking over that he’s rolling his eyes. But Levi places his hand on top of Erwin’s. “I know,” he says, voice quiet.

Levi has not taken his medication for seven days. At first he’d just forgotten to go pick up the new prescription. He noticed of course that he was running low but he was busy and tired and he’d kept telling himself he’d just get it tomorrow. And then he’d forgotten, and then the next day he got back to the apartment exhausted, told himself he’d get it the next morning. But then he’d woken up late and didn’t have time the next morning. At that point Farlan had noticed, made a comment. Levi promised he’d pick it up that day. He didn’t.

And then suddenly it had been five days and they were running out of money and Levi hated putting anything on his credit card and he got paid on Wednesday and felt fine anyway, felt better really, just that bit less foggy, and it really wasn’t a big deal. And underneath it all, Levi was dreading taking it again because the side effects were always worse when he restarted after forgetting for a few days.

But Farlan is right and he needs to take the fucking things. He’s tried getting off them before (without telling his psychiatrist) and convinced himself it was fine because he didn’t feel any worse at first, only for it to hit him two weeks later. And then they took a whole month before they really started working again, a month where Levi had felt like shit, constantly anxious and barely managing to drag himself out of bed. He’d almost forgotten how shit he felt without them.

Levi looks at the open bottle with distaste and a little bit of dread. He’s eaten breakfast today, hoping that will quell the nausea he knows is going to resurface. He should really just call the shitty psychiatrist and tell him that he’d skipped a week and needs a lower dose to wean himself back on, but that will result in another discussion about taking his medication reliably and not self-medicating and probably another fucking appointment. Not to mention then he’ll have to pay for more drugs. The ones he has can’t be cut in half, so he’ll have to take the full dose.

He spends the entire day feeling hazy and mildly ill. When he’d first started the medication, he’d taken it for one day and declared that he was never taking it again. It took a lot of coaxing from Isabel and Farlan for him to agree to suck it up for a few days, and if by the end of the week the side effects weren’t better, he could give it up.

But they were only bad for a couple days, and then it evened out. Levi knew it was only for a couple days, but it still sucked. He goes to Erwin’s after he gets done with work (just a few hours in the office today). Erwin makes food and Levi can’t stomach any of it.

Erwin gives him a long look when Levi hasn’t taken a single bite of the food on his plate, just keeps pushing it around. “Levi,” Erwin says slowly, “I’m a little… I’m getting a little concerned about your eating.”

_Oh Jesus_ , Levi thinks. The last thing he needs is for Erwin to think he has an eating disorder or something. “Stomach hurts,” Levi says. “It’s the pills. It’ll be better in a couple days.”

Erwin frowns. “Because you’d stopped taking them?”

Levi nods. “It’s fine. I’m just not hungry right now. It’ll be fine again in a couple days.”

“Okay,” Erwin says. He pauses. “You haven’t been eating very well for a while now though.”

Levi shrugs. “I’ve just been stressed, it’s fine.”

“Tell me about what’s been stressful,” Erwin says.

_There’s a drug lord who apparently wants to see me_ , Levi thinks. _Oh, and last time I saw him, he broke my arm._ “Neuroscience sucks,” Levi says. “Still can’t find the stupid kid I’ve been looking for.”

“The meeting with Jean didn’t pan out?” Erwin says.

“Not yet. We’ll see,” Levi says. He’s got a visit planned but so far Eren Jeager is remaining a difficult person to find.

Erwin pauses again. “Have things been harder because you weren’t taking your medication?”

Levi sighs. He runs a hand over his face. “No,” he says. “They don’t work like that. I’d have to skip for longer before I’d notice a difference.”

“Okay,” Erwin says.

He doesn’t push farther, and Levi will always appreciate how Erwin always seems to know when to back off.

“When do hockey tryouts start?” Erwin says.

Levi nearly groans. Another thing he’s been trying not to think about. “Next week,” Levi says.

“Do you still have to be there for all of it?” Erwin says.

Unless they have a blindside freshman or transfer player, Levi’s spot on first line is pretty much secured already. “Yeah,” Levi says. The coach and captain won’t be watching him like the others but everyone has to go for conditioning anyway. “Eld wants me to help out,” Levi says. Eld is the team captain, a senior, and it’s pretty clear that Levi will become captain next year once Eld graduates and Levi’s a senior.

“Do you have time for that?” Erwin says.

_I have time for nothing_ , Levi thinks. “Shouldn’t be too much more than it would already be anyway,” Levi says. He’s already thought about how he’ll budget his time. The practices will replace his gym time. Levi will miss his solitary runs but he’d by lying if he said he wasn’t excited to get back on the ice.

He’d started playing in high school, after Isabel dragged him and Farlan to an ice rink, and Levi found himself coming back again and again, scraping together dollars for the skate rental and the rink fare. He’d been fourteen and came home from school with a permission slip and a deposit amount. Kenny had laughed, but told him if he could pay for it then he’d sign the slip.

Levi may or may not have pickpocketed a string of people over the next three days and emptied out the jar he kept stashed under the floorboard, but come the end of the week he had enough cash to cover the initial expenses. Hockey was, unfortunately, a very expensive sport.

He played soccer in the fall with Farlan too, and while he enjoyed it, Levi _loved_ hockey. He’d run spring track in high school too. He’d always excelled in sports, and it gave him an outlet which Kenny, for some reason that Levi really did not understand, indulged.

Kenny was always weird about those kinds of things though. Taught Levi to swing a knife when he was seven years old, brought him along to bars, to deals, to gambling and fighting rings. But when Levi was sixteen and entered a fighting ring himself? Kenny beat the shit out of him when he found out. He laughed at Levi when he so much as brought college up, but made it clear in no uncertain terms that he was to graduate high school, that there would be hell to pay if Kenny got a call saying he’d skipped school or if he started failing classes. Didn’t give a shit if he fucked around with the Maria’s, spent all night drinking at bars, dealt weed with Farlan, but the second he caught wind of Levi trying coke, treated it like the end of the world. Levi grew up trailing after Kenny to meetings with Uri Reiss, but Kenny absolutely forbid all other contact with Inner Sina, even though Kenny himself was knee deep in their dealings.

So Kenny was weirdly supportive of his sports. Still didn’t help pay for shit, but he’d ask Levi about it once in a while. Even showed up at a couple of his games. Levi wondered sometimes if he’d just liked bragging about it – that his nephew was a star player.

“Are you looking forward to it?” Erwin says. “Hockey?”

“Yeah,” Levi says. He is. He misses it. He hasn’t had time to even get on the ice at all. “Looking forward to not dealing with shitty annoying customers too.”

He has his last shift at the coffee shop in two weeks, has already given his notice. He will _not_ miss customer service. It’s a miracle he hasn’t gotten fired already anyway – his manager had practically looked relieved when Levi said he’d need to quit for the winter. He’s pretty sure he only kept his job because of Hange – she’s the one who put in a good word for him there. She used to work there while she was in undergrad. She’s the same age as Erwin – in a master’s biochemical engineering program now.

“How’s the law office going? Anything interesting?” Levi says.

Erwin sighs. “No,” he says. He mostly does paperwork, Levi knows. Erwin does not particularly like his job there, but it’s giving him experience which will help him get a job once he graduates. “Are you going to be okay, with quitting at the shop before soccer season is over?”

“Yeah, we’ve got enough saved,” Levi says. They do, Levi reminds himself. It just stresses him out.

“Good,” Erwin says, giving him a smile.

Armin Arlet, despite his apparent affiliation with Zeke Jeager and the Titans, is still making straight A’s at Shiganshina high. Levi got Pyxis to let him use the company car, and that Thursday when he has no afternoon classes, he drives the hour outside the city, and waits in the school parking lot. He spots Arlet quickly, walking away with – yes, Mikassa Ackerman.

Levi had done research on that of course too. Turns out Mikassa is in fact distantly related to him, though as far as he can tell, she has no ties to Kenny. Looks like her father cut off from most of the family long before she was born, and anyway, it was only Kenny that got mixed up in everything.

The Jeager’s had insisted that Mikassa had not runaway like Eren, and that she’d been home, but visiting friends in the city. Some more digging found she had been skipping school, though Levi only figured it out by contacting Mikassa’s teachers directly – her school records showed that she had only two absences. When questioned by her parents and Pyxis, she insisted that she hadn’t seen Eren in weeks.

Armin Arlet – first in his class, school treasurer, captain of the chess team and speech and debate team. Mikassa Ackerman – district champion in mixed martial arts.

_How the fuck did these brats wind up around the Titans and Inner Sina?_ Levi thinks.

He gets out of the car and follows at a distance as they leave the building and start walking towards the street. There’s people around but not anyone right near them. Levi catches up quickly.

“Arlet,” Levi says, when he reaches them.

Armin turns around, and then his eyes widen. Mikassa does as well. Levi sees her eyes narrow the second she sees him. Levi was there in the meeting with Pyxis, so she would recognize him from the firm. Levi keeps his attention on Armin though. From the brief interactions Levi’s seen, he doesn’t think he’s going to be able to get anything out of Mikassa. At least not directly.

Armin glances from Mikassa back to Levi. Mikassa takes a half step forward, and Levi raises an eyebrow at that. But he looks back at Armin.

“I need to ask you some questions,” Levi says.

“Uh, I’m sorry, what can I help you with?” Armin says, quickly, looking nervous, glancing over at Mikasa.

“He’s looking for Eren” Mikasa says, before either of them can say anything else. “He’s one of those detectives. The ones they hired.” Her expression is dark, impassive.

Armin blinks. “Oh – well, I haven’t seen Eren since he went miss-”

“Actually, I want to ask you what the fuck you’re doing with Zeke Jeager,” Levi says.

Armin’s eyes go wide but Mikasa doesn’t blink. Levi glances between them.

“I don’t know who Zeke –” Armin starts.

“Zeke Jeager, head of the Titans, you apparently run books for him,” Levi says, “I don’t really give a fuck. My job is to track down Eren, and right now, he’s going to wind up dead. I don’t get paid if he’s dead.” Armin looks back at him with wide eyes and Mikasa’s eyes narrow some more. “I’m assuming you two don’t want him dead either?” Levi says.

Armin’s eyes widen some more and Mikasa takes a half step forward, in front of him. Levi’s eyes flick from her back to Armin. _How the fuck is this kid working for Zeke?_ Levi thinks.

“I don’t know what you’re –” Armin starts.

Levi’s eye twitches. Now he’s getting annoyed. “Cut the shit,” he says, “I’ve got multiple people saying an Armin Arlet is working for Zeke and Eren’s apparently fucking around with Inner Sina now – do you brats have any idea what the fuck you’re getting into?”

“What do you know?” Mikasa says. “You’re just a grunt at that firm, you have no idea what’s really going on.”

Well that was – Levi’s caught between intrigue and anger. On one hand, just what the fuck did these kids know? But secondly, Levi sure as hell was more than just a grunt at Pyxis’s firm.

“My name’s Levi Ackerman,” Levi says, and he sees Mikasa’s expression shift a little in momentary surprise. “My uncle is Kenny Ackerman.”

Levi doesn’t drop his uncle’s name often – he doesn’t actually want to be associated with him, and Kenny’s been gone for months anyway. Levi watches their expressions. Mikasa’s doesn’t change but Armin’s eyes once again widen, and he glances over at Mikasa.

“You might not know who that is,” Levi says to Mikasa, but then he looks to Armin. “But you sure as hell do.”

“Mikasa,” Armin says. He looks worried now. _Good_ , Levi thinks.

“Lets go somewhere we can talk,” Levi says.

“We’re not going anywhere with you,” Mikasa says.

Levi’s frown deepens. “I’m actually trying to help you brats – you have no idea the shit you’re in screwing around with the Titans and –”

“We don’t need your help,” Mikasa says. “Come on Armin.”

It’s broad daylight, and there are people around. And unlike with Jean, Levi doesn’t think the intimidation factor and a little shoving is going to get her to talk. Armin, probably, which is why he directed his questioning at him, but he’s really more interested in what Mikasa has to say since she’s apparently been trailing around Eren in the city.

“Brat,” Levi says, and they both pause as they start walking away. Levi pulls a card from his pocket and essentially grabs Armin’s wrist to give it to him. “Take that. I wasn’t kidding when I said Eren was going to get himself killed.”

Armin glances down at the card, eyes squinting. “This says Eric –”

“I don’t like to advertise that I’m related to Kenny the Ripper,” Levi says. This is the card that he gives to people who don’t already know him – mostly to keep the fact that he, Levi Ackerman, is now working in private investigation as much of a secret as possible. “It’s my cell though.” Levi gives Armin one last look and then he turns to leave.

That Friday, Levi is sitting in Erwin’s apartment with a mixed drink in his hand which he is pretty sure is almost entirely vodka. Hange handed it to him. He downs it quickly, and before he can even get up or ask, she’s taking it from his hand and refilling it with a grin.

“How’s your arm?” Nanaba says to him. “What happened, anyway? Mike said you got _stabbed_.”

“It’s fine now,” Levi says. It’s almost entirely healed, the stitches out – it’s just a shiny, pink line now. “Got jumped leaving a bar.”

Hange falls into the seat next to Levi, making the whole couch lurch. Levi shoots her a glare but she just smiles and takes another sip of her (equally strong, Levi is sure) drink.

Levi usually feels bad about not contributing to the alcohol on nights like this, but tonight Hange had shown up with a handle of vodka and started pouring. Considering Hange usually tries to give him alcohol poisoning when they’re drinking together, Levi feels less bad when it’s her booze he’s drinking.

Levi doesn’t drink that often. When he buys his own alcohol, it’s vodka. The cheapest vodka he can find, mixed with the cheapest off-brand soda he can get. Sometimes if he eats in the dining hall on campus he fills his water bottles with soda instead. (He’s stolen a lot of food from the dining halls actually.) But alcohol is expensive, like everything else, so he, Farlan, and Isabel don’t buy much of it.

Erwin puts an arm up on the couch behind Levi’s head where he sits on his other side. Levi glances over, but Erwin’s looking straight ahead. Levi takes another sip of his drink. 

“How’s your case going?” Mike asks.

Levi doesn’t actually see Mike very often, despite Erwin and Mike living together. It’s only a matter of time really until Mike moves in with Nanaba. He’s there most of the time.

“Shit,” Levi says. He really doesn’t want to talk about the case. He usually finds it annoying when people ask about his work, but right now he just really doesn’t want to think about it at all. Mike’s always pretty intrigued about his work.

“Oh, how did the meeting go yesterday? I forgot to ask,” Erwin says.

Levi sighs. “Didn’t get anything out of them. Hoping they’ll call me when they realize they’re in over their heads.” _Before one of them gets killed_ , Levi thinks. Or arrested, in Armin’s case if not for the other two.

Levi’s running out of options with the kid. He can get Pyxis to try to stage some intervention with the parents and Armin and Mikasa, try to get them to talk. He can trail Mikasa to wait until she goes to see Eren, but that’s time consuming and Levi has classes – he’d have to put that on Flagon probably. Levi supposes he could get in contact with Rod Reiss himself, see if he’d seen Eren after all. Levi’s pretty sure Rod would talk with him, though that would be an absolute last resort. He’s not overly worried about Rod himself, but he does _not_ want to go anywhere near Inner Sina politics. That just leaves the Maria’s, hoping Eren’s still hanging around them and trying to find him that way. And Levi’s pretty hesitant to get too close to them, considering the last time he’d talked with some Maria’s, he’d gotten stabbed.

Farlan’s right, he should really get Pyxis to take him off this case. But then it’s just Flagon, and Flagon doesn’t know the gangs as well as Levi does. And despite how shitty this case has been and how completely idiotic the three of them are acting, Levi really doesn’t want one of them to _die_. He feels a flash of guilt at trying to get out of the case. They’re still sixteen year old kids, and he can’t help think of himself at seventeen – how if it weren’t for Kenny, he’d probably be dead. How quickly and how easy it had been to get in way over his head, how he’d thought he had everything under control, how quickly things had spiraled. He remembers how cocky he’d been, and he remembers how terrified he’d wound up.

Levi sighs. It had taken a night in jail and the very real threat of juvie hanging over his head for Farlan to get out of that shit. It had taken a gun pointing at his head and Kenny beating the ever-living shit out of him for Levi. Levi wonders what it would take for Eren and his friends. There are, after all, plenty of people who don’t get out.


	4. IVs and Edibles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprisingly, the day that Levi almost gets shot is not even the worst day of his week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun with this one so I hope you guys enjoy it too :)

Levi goes to the gym almost every day and has kept that schedule since he started college and, as a student-athlete, had unfettered access to the campus gym year-round. His usual workout is about an hour long, but it varies.

He hadn’t planned on taking a long run today. But he hadn’t slept much the night before, and then in his criminology class he’d touched something sticky on the desk before frantically cleaning it, and his skin hasn’t stopped itching since, so after he does some stretches, he decides to start his workout with a run.

He leaves the gym and takes off. Running, more than any other exercise, helps settle his anxiety, and he finds himself going much farther than he planned, not wanting to stop. He’s run six miles before he realizes he should really be heading back. His longest runs are usually around eight miles. Today he runs ten.

Afterwards, he will admit that he wasn’t thinking. He will realize that he was running on maybe four hours of sleep and that he’d skipped lunch, that it was warmer than usual out, and that he probably hadn’t drank enough water either. But in the moment, he is ten miles in, there is less than a mile left to the gym, and he can make it. His body is numb in an endorphin haze and he pushes through the exhaustion and the heat and the way his vision starts going dotty around the edges because he’s almost there and it feels good and he doesn’t want to stop.

And then he is opening his eyes, staring at the sky.

Levi blinks. He’s cold, and hit by the pain in his chest and legs and knees, hit by the dizziness through the fog in his head.

A face comes into view. Levi doesn’t react. And then sounds filter in, and it’s like it all catches back up with him at once.

Levi winces, closes his eyes for a moment. “Hey, kid, you okay? Can you talk to me?”

“Ah,” Levi says. His chest hurts, his mouth is dry.

“Do you have any water? He probably needs water –” someone says as Levi brings a hand up to his head. He tries to sit up and is floored by the exhaustion that sweeps over him. He lets out a gasp.

“Easy, looks like you passed out. Here, take a sip,” the man above him says.

A bottle is brought to his lips but Levi turns his head away, bile rising in his throat at the idea of drinking from someone else’s bottle. The weakness of his body makes Levi start to panic. He tries again to sit up and this time manages to make it upright. He’s awarded with an almost immediate wash of dizziness, his vision running black, and he almost passes out again right there.

“Easy,” someone says, and there’s a hand on his shoulder. Levi flinches from it.

“Get off me,” Levi says. He brings a hand up to block the man, who’s leaning in too close.

“Whoa, easy, we just want to make sure you’re okay,” he says.

“I’m fine,” Levi says. He grimaces as his vision clears a bit and he sees blood on his skin. He’s skinned one of his knees badly. His grimace deepens as he tries brushing some of the dirt off of it. He swallows hard when he just seems to smear the dirt some more.

He needs to get back to the gym, where he can wash it off and clean himself up. He needs some water. Levi’s not sure he can even walk, he realizes with a bubbling anxiety. He’d barely managed to sit up.

“Is there someone you want to call? Do you need to borrow a phone?” the man says.

His phone. Levi reaches, and is glad to find his phone unhurt by his fall. He freezes when he goes to his contacts though.

Farlan is going to kill him. Levi’s hands shake as he scrolls to Erwin. Erwin has a car – he can come get him – it’s the logical choice. Levi briefly considers calling Hange instead. He can already see the worry on Erwin’s face.

Despite Levi’s profuse insistence that he does not need to go, Erwin drives them to the health center on campus, going so far as to call them to let them know they’re coming in, as Levi yells that he doesn’t need to go in the background. Levi spends the entire time arguing, but Erwin is being unusually stubborn, and at first Levi finds the conversation annoying, then he finds it frustrating, and then, as they pull into the parking lot and Erwin stops the car, a hard expression on his face, Levi finds it… frightening.

He refuses to leave the car.

“I don’t need their shitty fucking –”

“We’re not leaving until you go in,” Erwin says.

He looks scared, and Levi feels guilty about that, but he is _not_ going into that fucking germ-infested mini hospital for someone to poke at him and tell him to drink more fluids. He’s already feeling better, having now rested for a bit and drank a water bottle which Erwin brought him. He’d been unwrapping a granola bar when Erwin pulled into the parking lot.

“Erwin, I’m not fucking going,” Levi says. His hand tightens around the granola bar. “I’m fine – I told you, I was too dehydrated, I was fucking stupid and I pushed too hard and I’m _fine_ now –”

“You passed out. You could barely move. You need to let someone look at you,” Erwin says. “It’s free service, so you can’t say you can’t afford it.”

“I’m not going,” Levi says. He glances at his leg, which is still bleeding. He’d poured some water over it, but he really needs to clean it better. His skin is already starting to crawl from the germs and bacteria and _filth_ that could be embedded in his skin.

“Then we’re not leaving,” Erwin says.

“ _Erwin_ ,” Levi says.

They stare at each other for a long moment. And Levi feels his heart start to pound as he realizes that Erwin is not letting this go. His eyes dart for a moment, and then he gestures at his knee.

“Come on, Erwin, I need to clean this,” Levi says.

“Lets go inside, then,” Erwin says.

“You’re gonna make me get it fucking infected,” Levi says. He glances down again. It’s stopped bleeding now but there’s a trail of drying blood down his leg from it. He resists the urge to start wiping it away.

“They’ll take care of it inside, Levi.”

Levi grits his teeth. The health center closes in an hour and a half. And Levi is certainly stubborn enough to sit there for an hour and a half – if it weren’t for the knee that still had dirt embedded in it.

There is a long, tense, silent moment.

“Erwin, take me fucking home,” Levi says.

Erwin says nothing, just stares back at him.

Levi feels a bubble of anger rise in his chest. He grabs for his phone instead, ignores the way his vision spins for a moment when he moves his head so quickly. He stabs at his phone.

“I’m calling an Uber,” Levi says.

“Christ, Levi, are you serious?” Erwin says.

The hot anger in his chest tightens, spreads up his throat and forms a lump there. Levi ignores Erwin. He grinds his teeth as he opens the app, only for Erwin to grab his wrist.

Levi looks up with a murderous glare, only to be surprised at the expression on Erwin’s face – suddenly blanker, softer.

“Levi,” Erwin says, “why won’t you go get yourself checked out?”

Levi’s glare tightens. “I don’t need it. I’m fine.”

“Levi.”

“You’re not my fucking mom,” Levi says. “So let the fuck go or drive me home.”

Erwin lets go of Levi’s wrist slowly, but Levi finds himself pausing, his throat still feeling tight. He glances at his knee again, feels a buzzing under his skin. There’s dirt on his hands, on his arms from when he passed out too.

“Levi, what is this?” Erwin says.

And Levi feels his face heat with what he wants to call anger. The lump in his throat tightens. Erwin looks at him expectantly, and Levi just grinds his teeth some more.

“Are you afraid of needles?” Erwin says.

“No,” Levi says. His eye twitches. “You saw me get fucking stitched up right in front of you, Er-”

“Hospitals then?” Erwin says. “Doctors?”

“No, I’m not – I’m fine, Erwin, I just don’t need it, okay? I just need to clean this shit and get some sleep and drink some more and I’ll be fucking fine, okay, so –”

“Levi, what’s going on?” Erwin says.

“I need to wash my leg out,” Levi says. “Jesus, seriously Erwin either drive me home or I’m calling a fucking Uber.”

“You passed out and needed help getting to the car afterwards. Levi, I’m very concerned,” Erwin says. His voice is straightforward, flat. “You’re still shaking. You’re more pale than I’ve ever seen you, Levi. I think you need fluids and I want someone to check your heart. You keep rubbing at your chest. It’s hurting, isn’t it?”

Levi jerks his hands down, feels a coiling fear start up in his stomach. “I ran too much. My chest just hurts a bit from –”

“Levi, please. Please get yourself checked out. Please don’t do this.”

Levi doesn’t look at him. He looks down at his knees, the drying blood, the specks of dirt, looks down and tries to calm his breathing as his head spins again. He closes his eyes tightly for a second, feels his chest constrict.

And then he unbuckles his seatbelt, turns around in the seat even as it makes the dizziness nearly double, and snags his bag from the back where Erwin had thrown it, after going into the gym and getting it for him. Levi opens a zipper and reaches in, fishes around until he finds the bottle. There’s just one pill in it. He only ever carries one with him – for emergencies. He takes the pill without looking back at Erwin, swallowing it with some water. And then he hugs the backpack to his chest, fingers curling as his stomach turns.

There is a long silence, where Levi does nothing but try to keep his breathing even, try not to think about the sick, coughing and sneezing college students sure to be waiting inside, about the hands that will be touching him, about the drying blood itching on his skin.

“Levi?” Erwin says.

His voice is much softer, gentle and unsure this time. Levi doesn’t look over. He’s very aware that he’s never taken Xanax around Erwin before, that Erwin doesn’t even fucking know he has it, that he’s going to have to explain this later and that it sure as hell must look bad. His throat tightens. He closes his eyes.

“Levi, baby, what’s wrong?” Erwin says.

His tone is low, so gentle, so concerned, and it’s almost enough for Levi to crack. He takes a breath instead. “I’m going into your shitty fucking health center,” Levi says.

He doesn’t move. Erwin doesn’t move. There’s another long silence and then slowly, quietly, Erwin reaches over and takes Levi’s hand.

“How long does it take to start working?” Erwin says.

And Levi feels a jolt. Because he really did figure it out that quickly, didn’t he? It just makes the lump in his throat worse, makes him want to curl in on himself some more, but Erwin squeezes his hand.

“’Bout half hour,” Levi says.

Erwin runs a thumb back and forth over the back of Levi’s hand. He hums. “Want to watch a show while we wait?” he says.

“Yeah, okay,” Levi says after a pause.

Erwin takes out his tablet, and then he plays a TV show that they’ve been watching, and Levi tries to pay attention, tries to let it distract him, until the medication starts working. It calms his breathing, and then his mind goes fuzzy around the edges, settling. He’s still nervous, but it feels muted, his reactions dulled.

“Is there anything else that helps?” Erwin says, and it takes a moment for Levi to realize what he’s talking about.

“I don’t like them touching me,” Levi says.

Erwin nods. Levi’s hazy. He doesn’t want to go in, but he squeezes Erwin’s hand.

“You’re ready now?” Erwin says. Levi nods.

When the nurse sticks Levi for what is possibly the tenth time, trying to find a vein, he snaps.

“No, I’m done, I’m fucking done – we’ll stop at a fucking McDonalds on the way back and I’ll drink –”

“Levi –” Erwin says, stepping in front of him, but Levi’s already ripping off the tourniquet.

“ – a fucking gallon of water and eat a fucking –”

“I’m sorry, Levi, let me –” the nurse says.

“ – no, no, fuck this,” Levi says.

They’re in the back room of the health center, and after washing and bandaging his knee, the doctor had determined that he needed an IV for fluids and nutrients. She hadn’t been worried about Levi’s heart, for which at least Erwin was relieved. The way Levi had kept touching his chest combined with how bad he’d looked when Erwin first got there had worried him.

But Levi is dehydrated, hence the need for an IV in the first place, and it is apparently making it very hard to find a vein.

“Levi,” Erwin says, moving in front of him. He places his hands gently on Levi’s upper arms. “We’ll take a break,” Erwin says. “Just breathe for a second, sweetheart.”

Levi’s eyes flash with irritation. He’s near trembling though, jittery and anxious and back to looking as pale as he did when Erwin first picked him up. Levi had said he wasn’t afraid of needles, but something about placing the IV is obviously making him nervous. He’s been tense since they entered. He hadn’t looked much more anxious when the nurse initially started to place the IV than he had when they’d washed his knee, but that had steadily changed as it took longer and longer, and she continued failing to find a vein. It was enough to make anyone tense and irritated, but Erwin isn’t missing the fear in Levi’s expression either.

“I’m going to grab the doctor,” the nurse says, “she should have better luck finding a vein than me.” She leaves the room.

Levi glares daggers at her until the door shuts behind her. Erwin smooths his hands over Levi’s shoulders. Levi looks back at him, and for a moment it’s all anger and frustration, venomous, and then it slips, cracks of panic and pain showing through.

Erwin pulls him in. It’s a gut reaction, a pang of empathy that has him doing it, not a thought out choice, and he’s actually surprised when Levi doesn’t pull away. Erwin wraps his arms around Levi’s back when Levi leans in though, and he feels Levi’s head against his chest. He feels Levi breathe, chest moving, as Levi’s arms wrap around him too.

Erwin rubs Levi’s back – slow, calm circles, for a moment. Levi’s hands tighten around his back and he presses his forehead down, into Erwin’s chest. When he doesn’t move after several long moments, Erwin frowns.

“It’s okay,” Erwin says softly.

Erwin swears he can feel Levi’s body tense some more. He digs his forehead down harder. Erwin keeps rubbing his back, stands there in the silence for another few long moments. Erwin feels Levi’s fingers dig into his back just a little. He hears Levi take in a sharp breath. 

“I don’t want her to touch me again.”

The words are bitten out, Levi’s voice rough and fragmented and it sounds very unlike him – there’s a streak of desperate fear mixing with anger that gives a painful vulnerability to his tone.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin says, and he starts rocking them, slightly. “You’re okay,” Erwin says. “It’s okay.”

“This sucks,” Levi says.

“It does,” Erwin says. “It’ll be over with soon.”

The doctor enters a minute later. Levi steps away to sit unhappily back down again. He lets Erwin hold his hand this time as the doctor takes his arm. She manages to find a vein on the second try, and inserts the IV. After that she sets him up with the fluids. Once it’s set up, Erwin leaves to go back and grab his tablet from where he left it in the car, and they watch TV on it until the infusion is done. Levi’s able to relax a bit once the nurse and doctor are leaving him alone, but it’s clear he’s still anxious to get out of there.

When they are finally able to leave, it is clear relief on Levi’s face. Before Erwin can ask Levi if he’d like to go back home or over to Erwin’s apartment instead, Levi is already turning to him. “I need to go back to mine,” he says.

So Erwin drives them back to Levi’s. He keeps a hand on Levi’s knee. He’s once again surprised when Levi takes his hand in his instead and squeezes. When Erwin glances over though, Levi’s not looking at him, is staring out the window.

When they get to his apartment and Levi opens the door, he’s immediately going into his bedroom. Farlan looks up from the couch and nearly does a double take. There’s bandages at both of the insides of Levi’s arms and on one hand from the needle pokes, and he’s got the other on his knee.

“Jesus, Levi, what happened?” Farlan says.

Levi ignores him. Erwin trails after him as Levi goes into his and Farlan’s bedroom. Farlan looks at Erwin, a confused, concerned expression. Erwin hesitates, but ultimately sighs.

“Levi passed out on a run,” he says. “We went to the health center and they checked him over and gave him fluids.”

“Shit,” Farlan says, his eyebrows raising. He gets up and moves towards the bedroom only for Levi to come storming out, heading for the bathroom.

“I’m taking a shower and then we can leave,” Levi says. He’s still covered in sweat from his run, and Erwin’s not surprised that it’s the first thing he wants to do.

“Lee –” Farlan says.

Levi turns on him, and his expression is more open than usual but it’s a cracking kind of look. “I was a fucking idiot and I pushed myself too hard on too little – I know, Farlan, okay? I just had some shitty fucking nurse stab me like fifteen times and I don’t want to hear it right now. You can yell at me later.”

Farlan looks a little taken aback, and then the expression settles to something softer, but Levi’s already shutting the bathroom door. Farlan blinks at it for a moment, and then turns to Erwin.

“It was rough,” Erwin says, as they hear the shower start. Farlan sighs and nods, then moves back to the couch. Erwin follows him and sits down.

“He doesn’t like doctors,” Farlan says. “Thanks for making him go.”

Erwin nods. “The doctor said he’s fine, but he really worried me at first.”

Farlan nods. They sit there in the living room until Levi is done, until he comes back out of their bedroom with his bag over his shoulder, looking miserable, eyes going to Erwin.

Erwin gets up. Farlan does too. Levi tenses when he looks at Farlan, but Farlan just goes up and hugs him. After a second Levi hugs him back. “Call if you need anything, Lee,” Farlan says.

Levi lets out a breath and nods, and then follows Erwin out. They ride back to Erwin’s apartment in silence, though Levi looks a little better now. Less anxious at least. When they get there Erwin goes to put the kettle on and starts looking in the fridge. Levi sits down at the kitchen table, elbows braced on it.

“What do you want to eat?” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs. His eyes slip away.

He definitely needs to eat something. The doctor had said as much. Erwin grabs bread from a cabinet. “I’m going to make you a grilled cheese,” he says.

He knows Levi likes them and it’ll be quick and provide some carbs. Levi makes his own tea when the water is done boiling, as Erwin cooks the sandwich. As Levi sits back down, Erwin starts to notice how tired he looks. When Erwin puts the sandwich in front of him and sits down, Levi picks at it, eats slowly. Erwin waits until he’s eaten half before he speaks.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Erwin says.

Levi looks up, then shrugs. “Not much to talk about.”

Erwin frowns. “Levi… that was obviously very difficult for you, not to mention it must have been scary just to have passed out… we can talk about it if you want to.”

Levi is quiet for a moment. “I ran over ten miles,” he says.

Erwin blinks. That is not exactly what he’d meant by talking about it, but he’ll take it. “That’s a lot,” Erwin says. “You don’t usually do that much, right?”

“No,” Levi says.

Erwin waits, but Levi just takes another bite. “Are you trying to run longer?” he says. He’s never heard Levi say anything about actual races, about 5ks or marathons or anything.

“No,” Levi says. “I shouldn’t have done it. I just didn’t want to stop.” He pauses. “I’m gonna be really fucking sore tomorrow.”

Not to mention all the needle pokes which are already starting to bruise, Erwin thinks. “You said you didn’t want her to touch you,” Erwin says. He proceeds slowly, watches Levi’s expression, his body language. He wants to prompt without pressing. While there is a part of him which is concerned and curious in a painful, worried kind of way, he’s not looking for information really. Levi never really talks about what’s bothering him, and Erwin is sure that can’t be good for him. “It was okay when I did though?” he says.

Levi lets out a rush of air, eyes narrow in almost annoyance. “Yeah it was you, not some shitty fucking nurse who kept stabbing me.”

“You said you weren’t afraid of needles though,” Erwin says, cautious. “It was just the touch?” And that too, had struck Erwin – the way that Levi had phrased it, that that’s what he said, when Erwin had hugged him, that he didn’t want her to touch him again. It was a… concerning way of phrasing it.

Levi tenses a little. “Not being afraid of needles is not the same as not minding being stabbed for five minutes straight – she was fucking fishing around. It hurt.” He says it almost defensively, and Erwin frowns.

“I know it was painful. I’m sorry, Levi,” Erwin says. “I didn’t mean to make it sound like that wouldn’t be reason enough to get overwhelmed. You didn’t seem upset about the pain though.” Erwin can’t help glancing at Levi’s arm, where he got cut by the knife. He’d endured having the wound stitched up without any breaks, without reacting very much at all actually. He’d obviously been in pain and it showed, but he hadn’t cried, hadn’t looked overly distressed. It had to have hurt much more than the needle pokes did.

Levi looks away. He fiddles with his hands for a moment. There’s a fresh band aid over one of them, where she’d tried to get a vein. He’s looking more uncomfortable and Erwin relents. Levi’s had a rough day and the last thing he wants to do is make it worse. “We don’t have to talk about it more if –” he starts.

“I don’t like other people’s hands on me,” Levi says. “It’s okay when it’s you or Isabel or people, but… hospitals put me on edge and it was hurting. It feels –” Levi breaks off suddenly, tensing. His voice is soft and bitten out again when he speaks, like he’d sounded at the health center. “Feels like they’re hurting me.” There’s a certain embarrassment, shame there in his voice.

Erwin’s frown deepens. He reaches across and takes Levi’s hand. There is a part of him which is registering this as very worrying – that the way Levi is talking about it hints at a bigger problem. He rubs his thumb over the back of Levi’s hand.

“I’m sorry, Levi,” Erwin says. He pauses for a moment, and Levi’s shoulders untense a bit, and he looks up again. “The pill helps?” Erwin says.

And Levi lets out another breath as he runs his other hand through his hair. “Yeah, a little.”

“What can I do to help?” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs. “Can we go lie down? I’m tired.”

Erwin hadn’t really meant now, had meant what he could do if something similar happened again, but he nods. “Of course,” he says. Levi needs sleep anyway, now that he’s eaten something. They move into the bedroom and Levi lies down, Erwin following. He runs a hand over Levi’s arm.

“It’s okay if I touch you now?” Erwin says.

“You don’t have to ask,” Levi says. “It’s fine when it’s you.”

So Erwin fits himself behind Levi, wraps an arm around him. He’s surprised when Levi turns around, so he’s facing Erwin, arms tucked in, hands against Erwin’s shirt, ducking his head below Erwin’s chin, into his chest and shoulder. Erwin starts running his hand up and down Levi’s back gently. He can feel the tension still in Levi’s body, can hear his breaths. “It’s done now,” Erwin says. “It’s okay.”

“I know,” Levi says into Erwin’s shirt.

“Then relax,” Erwin says, just a hint of teasing in his tone, still gentle above all else. “You’re fine. It’s okay.”

“Don’t let me sleep too long,” Levi says. “I have an essay. I won’t have time tomorrow. Reading too.”

“You need some rest,” Erwin says.

“I mean it, Erwin. I’ll have to stay up all night tomorrow if I don’t start it.”

Erwin sighs internally, wishes again that Levi would work fewer hours, that he could work fewer hours. “I’ll wake you,” Erwin says.

Levi hums in response. It takes him a bit to settle enough to fall asleep, but Levi always has trouble falling asleep. Erwin’s actually a little surprised that it happens so easily this time, especially after he’d been so anxious. He wonders if Levi really had just been that exhausted, or if maybe the pill he’d taken had something to do with it.

Erwin lies there and holds Levi for a bit longer. He lets the tension ease from his own body, the startling fear when he’d gotten the call from Levi, saying he’d passed out, the worry as he’d argued with him in the car, then as the doctor looked at him. The pain at having to watch him as Levi’s anxiety grew bit by bit, showing through more and more while the nurse poked at him, trying to find a vein – at how vulnerable and hurt he’d looked when he snapped and made the nurse stop.

Erwin lets himself process it all, slowly relax, his own need to hold Levi, to feel him safe there, easing until Erwin, very carefully, extricates himself from the bed.

He’s not tired himself, and while he’s content to lie down with Levi when he needs it, and enjoys and finds it comforting as well, he also has work to do. He pulls out his things quietly, sitting at the desk in his bedroom, where he can watch Levi and still be there when he wakes up.

When four hours pass, four hours in which Erwin gets up to make himself dinner, takes a break to watch a bit of TV on his laptop, and gets through the majority of his reading for the day, he is very surprised that Levi is still asleep. Even more surprised that his sleep has been more or less undisturbed, with minimal movement. Usually he sleeps fitfully, tossing and turning. It’s growing late though, eight o’clock now, and despite the fact that Erwin would like nothing more than to continue to let Levi sleep, he remembers what he’d said.

So he shakes Levi gently. “Levi, sweetheart,” he says quietly.

He is once again surprised when Levi doesn’t immediately stir, and it’s actually worrying for a moment when he doesn’t wake up right away. He’s usually a very light sleeper. Erwin shakes him a bit more though, and says his name again, and Levi’s eyes flicker open, only for him to groan and roll over, going still again.

“Levi, you told me to wake you up,” Erwin says.

Levi groans again. After a moment he sits up. He runs a hand through his hair, closes his eyes for a moment before opening them. Ever since he took the pill, there’s been a bit of a glassy sheen over his eyes. As he wakes more fully, Erwin notes that it’s still there.

Erwin reheats leftovers from the meal he made for himself earlier while Levi starts on his essay. He works diligently until midnight. Around ten he stops though, and takes out a prescription pill bottle again. Erwin glances up from where he’s reading across the table from him, and watches as Levi shakes out a pill, and then snaps it in half. He takes the half with his tea, and then drops the other half back in the bottle.

The label is not peeled off of this one, Erwin realizes. He’s curious suddenly, exactly what it is, but he doesn’t try to read it as Levi puts the bottle back in his bag, which lies against the chair he sits in.

“Are you feeling okay?” Erwin says instead, frowning.

“Yeah, just – can’t concentrate,” he says.

Erwin’s immediately thinks of Adderall at that, but he’s never seen Levi take a study aid, prescription or not. He thinks it must be the same one he took earlier, that he must still be feeling anxious then.

The glassy look to his eyes has gone by then, and it stays gone. Around midnight Levi shuts his laptop and they both go to bed.

Farlan and Isabel, mercifully, do not pester him about the run and subsequent trip to the health center. It’s certainly not the first time he’s pushed himself too far – not even the first time he’s passed out from it, though that was only once before. Usually he knows that once he starts getting dizzy, he needs to stop.

When he wakes up in Erwin’s bed the next morning, around five a.m., and remembers how he acted, what he’d said, the day before, he winces to himself. It’s one of the reasons he hates taking Xanax – it makes him hazy, lowers his inhibitions in the same way alcohol does. He’s already sure the essay he worked on last night is shit. He usually avoids taking it when he needs to do any type of school work – or work at all for that matter – but he definitely wasn’t going into that shitty health center without it.

His skin crawls at the memory, of hands on his skin, and it’s not like the pain was bad, was anything he couldn’t handle – it was the mere presence – that there had been pain while someone’s fingers were on his skin, even if that pain was slight. She was the one ultimately causing it after all, and even though logically Levi knows it was to help him, it hadn’t felt like that.

It makes his stomach sick, makes him feel hollowed out and ill and he curls up a bit more on the bed.

For a moment, Lovof’s face flashes in his mind, the disappointed rage, and Levi feels Lovof’s hand gripping his jaw so tight it hurt, upwards pressure that had his neck straining. He feels large hands on his arm, twisting, twisting –

Levi sits up and rolls out of bed, takes a deep breath and heads for the shower.

It is once again a battle to get Farlan to give him back his gun. After skipping his medication and his trip to the health center, Farlan is not happy with the idea. After a lengthy explanation of why it would be dangerous, and then a drawn out defense of his mental state, Farlan finally hands over the gun. It doesn’t matter how many times he tells Farlan that he is not going to fucking shoot himself, that he has never been going to shoot himself, that he will _never_ shoot himself – Farlan still hates that he has it. (Furthermore, no matter how on edge, how upset, or how angry Levi is, he is not going to shoot anyone else unless it is absolutely, completely, last-resort necessary. Farlan should know better than most that Levi keeps his cool remarkably well when violence is involved.)

Levi doesn’t really know why Farlan worries about it so much. In their last blow out fight about it, before Levi bought the gun, it hit a fever pitch with the two of them screaming at each other, Isabel hovering on the side, and Levi snapped. _“You think I need a shitty gun to kill myself, Farlan? If I’m going to kill myself then I won’t use a gun anyway – you know damn well what my fucking plan was.”_

And then Isabel had burst into tears, and thus the compromise with the safes was established.

There’s a dual tension and calm in him tonight. Mikasa is a surer mark, but more time consuming, as it doesn’t look like she’s going to the city every night. And it’s a gut feeling, but Levi thinks she’ll be much harder to follow without her realizing. So, instead, he decides to follow Jean. After some deliberation and much reluctance, he asks Flagon to come with him. He’s just a little too worried about getting jumped again.

Levi follows Jean, and to avoid more suspicion than necessary, Flagon follows at a larger distance, after Levi. Levi’s told him to hang back, to keep his mouth shut, and as much as they have a mutual hatred for each other, Flagon knows that what they’re doing is not only dangerous, but precarious. Levi trusts that in this regard at least, Flagon will follow his lead.

Levi knows a couple of the Maria’s hangouts anyway. He’s hoping Jean is still seeing Eren, hoping he can get ahold of the kid to at least _try_ to talk some sense into him, though he thinks it’s probably a longshot that Jean is just happening to see him tonight. Really, Levi is hoping he can talk to some more people who might have interacted with Eren, might know him, be able to tell him why the kid is there, why he’s looking for Rod Reiss. An address would be best. He’s also hoping that, by following Jean, he’s going to be hanging around some of the younger, newer members of the Maria’s, non-gang members too – essentially, people less involved, more likely to be able to be intimidated, and less likely to try to jump him.

He follows Jean to… a frozen yogurt place.

This is not what Levi had expected.

_If I fucking followed him all the way here for him to be on a fucking date_ , Levi thinks. He resists the urge to slap a hand over his face. Instead he loiters outside, pulls out his phone and pretends to text. He watches as Jean heads through a door to a backroom.

Well this is fucking interesting. Levi’s pretty sure Jean does not work at a fro-yo place, so what is he doing back there?

Levi slips inside. It’s not busy – they must be close to closing. There is a smiling blonde teenager behind the counter, a bright pink apron complete with matching hat on her. Levi looks around. He’s never gotten fro-yo before. There are some kind of dispensary things on the walls which he blinks at.

“If you grab a cup you can fill it with whatever you want, add some toppings, and then I’ll weigh it at check-out,” the girl says brightly.

_Jesus_ , Levi thinks. Maybe he shouldn’t have come inside. They probably have a backdoor around somewhere. Or maybe he should just ask about Jean, pretend he’s a friend. Levi walks idly over to the cups as a parent and two children start piling on toppings to their bowls. The girl gets distracted with them, facing away from him, and Levi takes the opportunity.

He pushes through the backdoor, is aware that there’s probably cameras on him, but he’ll claim he was looking for a bathroom if he gets caught. When he gets caught, probably – this is not his most thought out plan. Still, he walks through a short hallway, sees a storage room and keeps moving, until he hears loud, laughing voices, and stops.

Levi listens, hears more laughter, a few voices, and – yes, that is Jean. Levi pauses, considers. He’s pretty fucking sure the higherups in the Maria’s are not laughing in the back room of a fro-yo place though, so, with a bit of a wince – this could wind up being difficult to explain, but he’s honestly kind of curious what the fuck Jean is doing here – he opens the door and steps in.

Three sets of eyes look up at him. Jean is sitting in a chair while a bald kid and a girl both slump back on a couch. They all look like they’re still in high school. And then Levi smells weed, looks down at the coffee table between them, and sees a large assortment of brownies, cookies, and chocolate, along with several packets.

“Jesus fuck man,” Jean says, jumping back in his chair.

“Who’s that?” the bald kid says. Levi’s eyes snap to him, take in the glazed eyes, dopy smile, relaxed posture. His eyes flick to the girl, sees the same.

They are clearly high as fuck.

And then Levi sees movement, and turns, and sees a face behind a bar – freckles, tall, hair pulled back and something crossed between a smirk and a glare. And this is the last fucking thing Levi really needs.

“Ymir,” he says.

“Levi,” she says, “the fuck you doing in my shop?”

Levi holds his hands up. “Look, I’m just looking for a kid, I’m –”

A knife is flying towards his face so fast that Levi doesn’t even really see her throw it, just the flash of metal, and he’s dodging on instinct, ducking to the side so that it flies past his shoulder to stick in the frame of the door behind him.

“What the fuck, Ymir!” Jean yells, jumping up and moving out of the way, over to the couch.

The bald kid stares at the knife. “Oooohhhh shit,” he says.

“You think I care what the fuck you’re doing here, Levi?” she says.

“Listen – Jesus!” Levi says, dodging another fucking knife thrown at him, this time moving behind a large sofa chair. “I’m not here to –”

“Pretty sure I told you that if you screwed me over one more time –”

“Ymir!” Jean yells.

“Whoa,” the girl on the couch says. She elbows the bald kid. “Ymir’s totally gonna kill a guy.”

“I wasn’t trying to screw you over,” Levi says. Sure, there was the fighting ring he backed out of, but that was years ago, and he’d seen her after that without her throwing knives at him. “What the hell are you even talking about?”

Ymir moves from behind the counter, a knife in hand. Levi pulls his own in a second now that she’s moving towards him.

“You little fucking bitch, you think I couldn’t figure out you’re the reason Greenwell was arrested?”

Oh.

“Look, that was –”

Ymir charges at him, swipes at his arm. Levi steps back around the chair. When she tries again he steps to her side and grabs the arm that holds the blade, throwing her forward and away from him.

“I wasn’t trying to screw with you, that was completely –”

She lunges for him again and this time Levi picks up the small table beside the couch and pushes it at her, effectively blocking the knife and pushing her back again.

“ – fucking unrelated to you, so can –”

She stabs at his stomach and Levi finally grabs ahold of her wrist and steps in, bringing his knife up to her neck and pushing her back until her back is against the wall, chin up high to avoid the knife edge.

“ – you just fucking calm down for a second,” Levi says. Ymir glares at him, eyes murderous, still straining against his hold where he has her wrist, of her knife hand.

And, as if it were a fucking movie, Levi hears the click.

“Drop the knife.”

Levi, very slowly, turns his head just enough to see the blonde girl from the front counter, a pistol grasped in two hands, aimed directly at his head.

_Shit._

“Tell her to drop the knife first,” Levi says. He watches the girl. She looks like she’s fucking fourteen and should be in some kind of afterschool special, but her eyes are hard and her hands steady.

_Fucking idiot_ , Levi thinks of himself. How did he not notice her coming in? He’d gotten too comfortable, hadn’t kept aware of his surroundings. Kenny would have slapped him.

“Historia, what the shit?” the bald kids says.

“Guys,” Jean says.

The girl – Historia’s – eyes flick to Ymir. Ymir sighs, and Levi hears the knife in her hand drop to the floor. Very slowly, Levi moves the knife away from Ymir, stepping away and holding out his hands, and then he lets his knife drop too.

As much as he does not think this girl is actually going to shoot him, his heart is still pounding, adrenaline racing, at the gun pointed at him. He can’t help think of the last time a gun was pointed at his head – not that he’d exactly be calm about it anyway.

“Alright, what the heck is going on?” she says.

_Heck_ , Levi thinks. He almost laughs. Here he is, being threatened with a pistol by a girl in a fro-yo apron and hat, surrounded by teenagers, two of which are stoned out of their minds.

Ymir huffs. Levi glances over to her. She’s crossed her arms in front of her and is looking away.

“ _Ymir_ ,” the blonde girl says.

“He attacked me,” she says.

Levi’s eyes widen just as Historia’s narrow in on him, a sudden viciousness in her eyes. “I did _not_ ,” Levi says.

“What are you doing back here, who sent you here?” Historia says, stepping forward a little with the gun.

And Levi changes his mind. He’s no longer so sure that she won’t shoot him.

“I’m just looking for Eren Jeager,” he says.

To Levi’s surprise, this is, as it turns out, the wrong thing to say.

“Why are you looking for Eren, what do you want with him?” Historia says, lifting the gun to aim directly between his eyes. “Who are you with? Tell me right now – Reiss? Zeke?”

“Fuck – no,” Levi says. “I’m not –”

“He’s the one who stopped me two weeks ago,” Jean says. “Asking me shit about _Armin_.”

“Okay, look, I think there’s been a misunderstanding –” Levi says.

Historia moves the gun down suddenly to aim it directly at his crotch. “Tell me who sent you here right now or I swear to God I will blow your –”

“I work for Pyxis Investigation,” Levi says, heart pounding as he stares at Historia’s finger on the trigger of the gun.

“Bullshit,” Jean says, “he’s Levi Ackerman – he’s related to Kenny the Ripper. He probably works for Zeke.”

“I have cards,” Levi says. “I’m a private investigator hired to find Eren Jeager – I have business cards.”

Historia looks at him doubtfully. “Take one out. Slowly.”

Levi – very, very slowly, slips his hand into his pocket, and pulls out a card, then holds it out. Quickly, Historia swipes the card from him, then peers down at it. She narrows her eyes. “This says Eric Renfield,” she says.

Briefly, Levi thinks of when he’d been ordering the cards, and Pyxis had told him that he should make some with his real name too, and Levi had scoffed and said he didn’t want them out there, in case someone dropped it, and anyone could find it.

He is regretting that choice now.

“It’s a pseudonym,” Levi says. “I don’t do that shit with Kenny anymore, I never really did.” His eyes slide to Ymir. “It’s why I got Greenwell arrested,” he says. “It was just a job.”

“So you’re a cop?” the girl on the couch says, her eyes going wide.

“ _Oh shiiittt_ ,” the bald kid says.

“I’m not a cop,” Levi says, “I don’t give a fuck what you’re doing here, I was hired to find Eren Jeager by his parents, so that’s what I’m trying to do.”

Historia glares at him, and then glances at Ymir. Ymir squints her eyes at him. “I say shoot him in the balls anyway.”

Levi sends his best glare at Ymir, but Historia just rolls her eyes at her before looking back at Levi. She doesn’t move the gun off him though.

“Mikasa knows who I am, if you know her,” Levi says. “I was there when she and her parents met with Pyxis. She’d recognize me.”

“Hm,” Historia says.

“Why did you think I was working for Zeke? Or Reiss?” Levi says. His heart’s starting to calm a bit, and he can feel the tension in the room settling even though Historia still has the gun on him.

The bald kid snorts. “Because Eren’s a fucking suicidal idiot who –” The girl on the couch slaps her hand over his mouth.

“Look,” Levi says, “I actually want to help Eren _not_ get killed.” He pauses, isn’t sure these kids care or not if Eren dies – hell, there’s the possibility that they could want him dead, or that he’s doing something for them and they don’t want him caught. But no one seems to react much to that statement. “And I’d really like to just _talk_ to him, and I swear I do not have any other agenda or shit. My job is to find him, get some information back to his parents –”

“Eren doesn’t want anything to do with his parents,” Historia says. “So you can – you can fuck off!”

Well that was new. Levi certainly hadn’t thought Eren was super fond of his parents considering he had run away, but Levi had come to think that was more because he was looking for something here, not because he was trying to get away. Was it possible that his parents were not as squeaky clean as they appeared, or was it just some shit teen rebellion?

“Yesss, Christa!” the bald kid says.

“Connie!” the girl on the couch says.

“Oh, shit, right,” Connie says. “Sorry – my bad.”

Historia glances with a glare and a huff over at the two of them.

Levi glances between them. “So,” he says, “think you could take the gun away from my dick?” Very slowly, Historia lowers the gun until it points down at the floor. Levi lowers his hands, but keeps them in view in front of him. “Thanks,” he says. “You wanna tell me why Eren hates his parents so much?” Levi says.

Historia’s eyes narrow. “What do you care? You’re working for him, right? So you can get out and not come back.”

_Him_ , Levi thinks. Grisha. “It’s his father?” Levi says. “He might be paying the firm, but if something we don’t know about is going on –”

Ymir laughs. “That’s right,” she says, “Levi’s got a soft spot for deadbeat father figures.”

Levi turns a glare on her, tensing up despite himself. He takes a breath instead. “Like I said, we’re not about to turn a blind eye to any shitty behavior.”

“It’s not your concern,” Historia says.

“He’s fucking around with Inner Sina and the Titans,” Levi says. “He’s gonna get himself fucking killed.”

“You don’t know anything,” Historia says. “Now get walking.”

“You know, that’s the second time this week a teenager has told me I don’t know anything,” Levi says. “I’m really starting to wonder what it is I don’t know about.” He pauses. “Will you at least give him my card?” Levi says. “I’d really like to have a talk with him.”

“He won’t wanna talk with you,” she says. “Now get out.” She jerks the gun towards the door. “And don’t come back!”

Levi is definitely going to come back.

Jean, the idiot, does not have any privacy settings on his social media. It does not take long for Levi to come up with Connie, Sasha, and _Christa’s_ profiles. (Flagon, the useless bastard, hadn’t realized Levi had gone into the back room and had wandered around the area until Levi reappeared afterwards.)

Levi goes home, hands over the gun to Farlan (and honestly, it was kind of hilarious – that was probably the second closest to being shot he’s ever been and he never even took his own gun out), and Farlan asks him how it had gone.

“Well, besides almost having my dick shot off, it was great,” Levi says.

It seems the deeper he gets into this, the more confused he is. Ymir works for the Maria’s too, is basically one of them, so it makes sense that she would know Jean. She’s a couple years older than the rest of them, who look like they all go to school together, all juniors in high school. So maybe Jean brought them in? And then Levi starts thinking about all the weed, and presumably edibles, on that table in the backroom, and he starts wondering. The Maria’s mainly run ketamine, but that was how Farlan got into dealing weed too – after they’d been hanging around the Maria’s and got to know some of them.

Levi sits down on the couch next to Farlan that night after he gets back. “I need a favor,” Levi says.

“About the case?” Farlan says.

“Yeah,” Levi says. “They had a shit ton of weed there.”

Farlan’s brow furrows. “Okay.”

“I need you to set me up a meeting with Marco Boldt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear Levi is going to actually see Eren at some point. Anyway, how did you guys like the 104th? I wasn't sure that I was really going to include all of them when I started this story, but things kind of fell together. 
> 
> Also would love your opinion on the pacing for Levi and Erwin. I totally see Levi as being very guarded and not wanting to disclose much about his problems, but those problems also being very difficult to hide for very long in the type of relationship that he and Erwin have.


	5. Marbles and Band-aids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi is having a rough time.

Levi _despises_ therapy.

While he doesn’t particularly like taking medication either, he at least has come to the concrete conclusion that it really does help him feel better. He will put up with the shitty side effects and the daily pill-popping because he knows that it works. He has yet to come to the same conclusion with therapy. As far as Levi is concerned, it is an absolute waste of time which he only goes to because Farlan and Isabel force him to and because his shitty psychiatrist won’t prescribe him his meds if he doesn’t do some type of therapy too.

Levi’s therapist’s name is Pam. Levi’s pretty sure all the therapists at the student counseling center got together, and she pulled the short straw. Levi is not exactly the ideal patient.

“You’ve skipped the last two weeks,” Pam says, the second he sits down in the shitty chair in her shitty office. Sometimes Levi wonders if she’s this blunt with all of her patients or if it’s just him. “Why?” she says.

“I didn’t want to come,” Levi says flatly. He could bullshit something about feeling sick but not only does Pam have a somewhat uncanny ability to tell when he’s lying, there’s not a real reason for it.

“Then why are you back?” she says.

She sits in a large swiveling office chair, by a desk, and Levi sits in the small chair in the corner which no one else ever uses, because the couch looks disgusting. He can’t help think about all of the people who come in here and sit on it when he’s there.

Levi looks out the window. He spends a lot of time looking out the window during these appointments.

“I didn’t take my meds for a week,” Levi says.

“Is that why you came back?”

Levi shrugs. Pam waits. Levi wants to hate her most of the time. Sometimes he really does.

“Did Farlan and Isabel talk to you about it?” she says.

“No,” Levi says. They didn’t know. He’d lied and said he’d gone.

Most people do not get weekly appointments at the student counseling center. Most people are lucky if they can get in for biweekly appointments. But Levi is considered ‘high risk’ and thus gets the unfortunate privilege of once a week appointments.

It’s all Farlan’s fault really. In Levi’s very first appointment, freshman year, Farlan had gone in with him, and within the first thirty seconds of being there managed to spill pretty much every major issue he had. And thus Levi was gifted with weekly appointments. He knows he should probably be grateful for the opportunity, but he loathes going too much for that. It’s wasted on him anyway. He cancels them quite frequently. Though he supposes every time he cancels it means someone else gets a spot.

He keeps looking out the window, watches students walk by down on the sidewalk. “I went to the health center a few days ago.”

This is usually how Levi gets through these appointments. He states facts about his week. Pam asks some probing questions. Levi gives vague non-answers.

“What for?” she says.

“I passed out,” Levi says. “Erwin made me go.”

“How did the appointment go?” she says.

“They stabbed me a dozen times and I had to sit there with an IV forever,” Levi says.

“Was Erwin there with you for it?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you find that helpful? I know you usually have Farlan go with you.”

Levi has been seeing Pam since his freshman year, which means she’s had two years more or less to pull information out of him. In this time, he’s let slip that he hates doctors, that he takes his Xanax for it and Farlan goes with him. It hasn’t come up a lot – he doesn’t get sick often and Farlan knows how to take care of most wounds.

“Yeah, he was fine,” Levi says.

“Did you tell him that it makes you anxious?” she says.

Levi lets out a breath, nearly winces again, once again looking out the window. “Sort of. I lost my shit a little for a second.”

He doesn’t look back, but he swears he can _feel_ the way Pam’s eyes light up. It’s like a part of her feasts off making Levi talk about his feelings. Like some vampire therapist, Levi thinks. Despite this, her voice is even when she talks.

“What happened?”

Levi goes silent again for a moment. He doesn’t want to talk about it. But he’s here, and Pam’s going to keep gnawing on this point. “They couldn’t find a vein. I flipped out, wanted to leave.” And there it is, and Levi closes his eyes for just a moment. “Told him I didn’t want them to touch me again.”

“And how did he react to that?”

Levi shrugs.

“Alright, lets go back to that moment then. Can you tell me what you were feeling, when you said that?”

“No,” he says.

She sighs. “You know, Levi, did it occur to you that maybe the reason you showed up here today is that you _want_ to talk about this?”

Levi looks back at her with a glare. “I’m pretty fucking sure that’s not it.”

She is, as usual, unfazed by his language or his tone. “It sounds like an experience which brought up some difficult emotions,” she says.

_Difficult_. Emotions are always _difficult_ or _challenging_ , never _bad_ or _negative_ with Pam. _‘Let yourself feel, Levi’_ he thinks, _‘you can’t just push everything away, Levi.’_ He sure fucking can.

“It was shitty,” Levi says, just to annoy her. She doesn’t so much as blink though. She is annoyingly hard to rattle.

“So you told him you didn’t want them to touch you,” she says, redirects. “Why did you say that?”

Levi starts bouncing his leg. “Because I didn’t want them to,” he says.

“Why not?”

“You know why not,” he says, eyes snapping back to her for a moment. It’s a sharp glare he gives her, but her expression doesn’t change in the slightest.

“I want to know what you were thinking in this instance,” she says.

A swell of emotion bubbles up in Levi’s throat. A sick vulnerability, hands on his skin, hurting him, unable to stop it. Levi swallows. “I don’t like people touching me,” he says.

“That’s a general statement,” she says. “I want you to tell me what was going through your head, what led it to become too much?”

“Why?” Levi says.

“Because you can’t get past it if you don’t process it,” she says. “And I’m here to help you process it.”

Because Levi hasn’t heard that a hundred times before either. He’s getting along just fine _processing_ things. Even if he’s not, he is utterly unconvinced that talking about it will actually help. The few times that he’s cracked and actually talked candidly have never resulted in him feeling better.

“I wanted her hands off me,” Levi says though. He never really knows why he talks sometimes and doesn’t other times, why he deflects or throws out the truth – it never comes out honestly, sincerely – it feels more like he’s hurling rocks at her, like that’s the only way he knows how to talk about it. “I got too nervous and then it was just someone’s hands on me and pain and I needed it to stop.”

“And they did stop, right?” she says.

“Yes.” He doesn’t look at her. His hands clench to fists.

“You were in control,” she says. “You asked them to stop, and they did.”

“You say that every fucking time,” he says. _You’re in control_.

“It’s the truth,” she says.

He hadn’t felt in control. He’d felt like someone was hurting him and he had to sit there and take it. Kenny’s eyes flash in front of him again and he sucks in a breath.

“I want to stop talking about this,” Levi says. It comes out just a bit too low, and he swallows again afterwards, all without looking back at her.

“Okay, Levi,” she says, softer this time. “What would you like to talk about?”

Levi goes to the pub in midafternoon, spotting Marco quickly. He slides into a booth across from him and Marco’s face lights up.

“Levi,” he says, “it’s so good to see you. How have you been?”

“Good,” Levi says. “How’s college?”

“Going great,” Marco says, just as brightly. “And I heard you’re at the university! Farlan says you’re playing hockey for them.”

“Yeah, season starts soon,” Levi says. “Farlan’s still playing soccer though. You playing too?”

“No, no time. I was never as good as you guys anyway.”

Levi snorts. “Don’t know what you’re talking about. You were our best defense.”

Levi lets Marco talk through a few more pleasantries. It makes him a bit on edge – he wants to get to the reason he’s here. Eventually Marco brings it up.

“So Farlan said you wanted to talk to me about Dylan?” Marco says.

“Sort of,” Levi says. Dylan is Marco’s younger brother – his younger brother who is still in high school, the high school that Levi, Farlan, and Marco all went to. “Actually, I came across these kids who seemed like they were selling, on a big scale, and wanted to know if you know them.”

Marco’s eyebrow quirks up. “Yeah?” he says.

And – there it is. Just that tiny hint of a telltale iciness in Marco’s expression. It’s so slight that most people wouldn’t notice behind the sunny smile. It’s not necessarily something angry or dangerous, more… irked.

“Yeah,” Levi says. “Names are Sasha Braus and Connie Springer.” He drops their names and not the others. Ymir, as far as he knows, has never dealt weed, and he knows Jean is running small time ketamine with the Maria’s – Levi’s pretty sure neither of them were responsible for all of the weed he’d seen on the table. He’ll mention Christa/Historia later if needed, but from their social media at least, looks like Braus and Springer are kind of inseparable.

Marco’s expression relaxes again though and the smile is back in full force. “Oh, Connie and Sasha! Yeah, I know them. Sasha makes the best damn edibles you’ve ever had, Levi – I’m serious. You’ve gotta try it – I’ll bring you one next time.”

“That’s alright,” Levi says. “So they work for Dylan?”

“Yeah, they sell to him, but honestly, I’ve been keeping them to myself mostly. I’ve got a good thing going with Trey at the college, and Sasha and Connie can’t cook fast enough to fill the supply,” Marco says. He takes a sip of the soda he has on the table in front of him. “But why do you ask? How’d you run into them anyway?”

“It was pretty strange,” Levi says. “They were high at a fro-yo place and I got a glance at their stash.”

“Oh, the one downtown, on 30th? One of their friends works there – she’s a really sweet girl,” Marco says, “though I’ll have to tell them to be more careful, if you just happened to see it.”

_Really sweet girl with a pistol she aimed at my dick_ , Levi thinks. “Huh,” Levi says. “Well, just wanted to check, was curious if they were working for you, since that’s down near the high school and they looked the same age as Dylan.”

“Oh, yeah, they don’t go to our school though,” Marco says. “Not sure why Christa works that far down, actually – they go to the north high school.”

“Huh,” Levi says. He glances down at his phone, checks the time. “Anyway, I know you said you didn’t have a lot of time to talk –”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that – we should catch up more later, but I promised my boyfriend I’d meet him at three.”

“No problem,” Levi says, “oh, but – if you have a second, I actually have one other question – unrelated, but there’s this kid I’ve heard is stirring shit up recently – I was wondering if Dylan’s heard anything about an Eren Jeager.”

Marco’s brow furrows, and it’s a controlled look of concern. Levi schools his own expression into light curiosity only, impassive. “Eren Jeager? Not a relation to Zeke Jeager, is he? What have you been hearing?”

“I don’t think there’s a relation,” Levi says. “Heard Eren’s been hanging around the Maria’s, though I don’t know what he’s actually doing.” Levi shrugs, and then he takes a deep breath, purposefully lets the impassive mask fall. He glances down for a second. “Look, I got jumped by a member of the Maria’s a couple weeks ago, and they said Lovof is looking for me. Then this Eren kid is hanging around the Maria’s and is apparently screwing with Inner Sina too. I don’t know what the hell’s going on.”

Levi looks up, let’s just that bit of fear shine through. None of it is a _lie_.

As expected, Marco’s eyes soften. He knows a little about what happened with Lovof – seems to always know a little about everything – and he’d seen the marks Kenny left on him once when they were in high school. Despite Marco’s glaring territorial streak when it comes to his marijuana distribution, he is a huge sucker for a sob story.

“I’ve heard of him,” Marco says, “I wouldn’t worry about him, Levi. He’s just some teen from the suburbs. His problem is definitely not with you, and whatever he’s doing, I’m sure it’s got no reflection on you.”

“Okay,” Levi says. “What’s he doing here anyway then?”

Marco shrugs. “Sounded like he’s on some kind of warpath – father’s been acting suspicious and he’s convinced it’s because he was involved with the Reiss’s before they were killed. Probably just doesn’t want to face the idea that his dad might be cheating on his mom.”

“Oh,” Levi says. Was Grisha really cheating? Was that what this all was about – Grisha was cheating on Carla and Eren had come up with some conspiracy in his head to avoid that? But why the hell _the Reiss’s?_ Or did Eren think Grisha was cheating with Frieda?

_Gross_ , Levi thinks. Frieda is – _was_ – only in her mid-twenties.

“I really wouldn’t worry about him, Levi,” Marco says. “I’m sure it’ll all blow over.”

“Okay,” Levi says. He puts his elbow against the table, head in his hand. “Do you have any idea why Lovof is asking about me then?”

He might as well ask while he’s here, Levi thinks. Marco frowns a bit more, sympathetic. “I’m not sure,” Marco says. “Things are getting kind of hairy over with Inner Sina right now. Rod’s still around, but… things probably won’t stay that way. I think they’re all kind of running around right now.”

“You think he’s coming after me because Frieda’s not around anymore?” Levi says. Not around to protect him anymore, he thinks.

Marco frowns a bit more. “I don’t know,” he says. “He’s…” Marco hesitates. “Look, Levi, if you haven’t heard it already – Rod is trying to get ahold of Kenny.”

Levi goes still. None of his reaction is fake this time. “What?” he says. Kenny never dealt with Rod – only with Uri. Once Uri died he’d stepped back – had disappeared for almost a year and since then had only ever come back for a couple months at a time. So then… what? Was Lovof trying to kidnap Levi as some kind of hostage, some kind of blackmail? Or was he hoping Levi could get into contact with Kenny himself? What the fuck did he want?

“That’s about all I know though. Don’t start worrying too much now,” Marco says. “But keep your eyes open, okay?”

“Yeah,” Levi says. Eyes open. Right. Shit.

He looks up to see Marco still looking sympathetically at him, and Levi lets out a breath, looks out at the bar.

And sees _Jean_ of all people.

_What the hell is he doing here at three o’clock on a –_

Marco’s smile widens and he raises a hand. “Hey, babe,” he says.

Oh _shit._

_Shit, shit, shit, fuck, shit_ , Levi thinks, glancing between the two of them as Jean’s eyes lock with Marco’s for a moment, a smile starting on his face, and then slip to Levi and suddenly he freezes a few feet from their table.

_How the fuck do they know each other?_ Levi thinks. Shit. _Shit._

“What the fuck,” Jean says. He hisses the words, moving over to Marco’s side while staring at Levi. “What the fuck, man? Are you fucking _stalking me?_ ”

“You two know each other?” Marco says, frowning and looking between them.

_Fuck, this is not going to be good_. “We’ve met,” Levi says.

“ _You two_ know each other?” Jean says, to Marco.

“Yeah, this is Levi,” Marco says. “He’s best friends with Farlan. We played soccer together in high school.”

“You – you _what?_ ” Jean says. He looks at Marco. “Marco, this is – this is Levi _Ackerman_. Like _Kenny Ackerman_.”

Marco frowns at Jean. “Yes,” he says, “but we don’t talk about him, okay?”

“You –” Jean says.

So Jean hadn’t told Marco that Levi had shoved him against a wall and questioned him, or shown up at the fro-yo place with Ymir and nearly gotten shot. _Why not?_

“I ran into Jean while I was talking with some of the Maria’s,” Levi says, taking a guess.

Marco’s eyes narrow suddenly. He looks up at Jean and Jean’s face goes through a comical rotation of emotions, paling even as he gives Levi a scathing look.

“Why were you with the Maria’s?” Marco says. “When was this?”

“He’s lying,” Jean says. “That’s not how we met. He cornered me asking me about Eren Jeager.”

Marco’s look is back on him. “ _Levi?_ ”

“The Maria’s gave me his name,” Levi says, as calmly as he can. “I didn’t know he was your boyfriend, Marco. You know I never would have talked with him like that if I’d known. Since Jean’s a Maria –”

Marco’s glare is rapidly put back on Jean. “You are a _what_ now –”

“He’s exaggerating,” Jean says through grit teeth, giving Levi even more of a death glare. “I’m –”

“We talked about this,” Marco says.

“I know, look, babe, I’m sorry, I was just –” Jean says.

“We’ll talk about it later,” Marco says, and Levi can’t help the slight smirk he gives Jean when Jean shoots him another glare. Then Marco looks back at Levi, and his eyes are narrowed. “Now you, Levi, had better tell me what the hell this is really all about.”

Levi leaves the pub with a smirk on his face and Marco’s promise that he’ll set up a time for Levi to meet Eren. Entirely too many people now know that Levi’s working in Private Investigation. There was no point hiding it from Marco since Jean knew, so Levi told him. Marco was not exactly thrilled that Levi had lied to him about the purpose of his visit, but Levi was able to spin enough of a sob story about seeing himself in Eren and wanting to help him get out before he wound up like Levi, before he wound up worse than Levi, that Marco let it go.

Marco makes no promises except that he’ll get Levi a meeting. Levi’s still not sure what he’s actually going to do – he can’t just abduct the kid, and calling the police just seems stupid. Levi will have to try to convince Eren to go home, and he’ll make sure to take some pictures to give evidence to his parents that he’d found him.

But it’s the first concrete step forward in this entire goddamned case. Levi makes a mental note to thank Farlan for getting in touch with Marco. The two of them still text sometimes.

As Levi makes his way home though, the other part of their conversation starts leaking into his body. Rod is trying to get ahold of Kenny. It can’t be a coincidence that Lovof is only now looking for Levi too. Levi just doesn’t know what the the connection actually is – what Lovof thinks he can gain by talking to Levi.

Levi lets out a long breath. Kenny he can deal with. He can. The last time he saw him was about six months ago. And that had been fine – as fine as it could be anyway. Kenny found him at a bar, payed for a beer Levi didn’t drink, and tried to get him to engage in conversation until finally giving up, at which point Levi left. Every time Kenny comes back, he finds some way to find Levi, to corner him into a conversation. It isn’t always quite so benign.

Levi goes back home that day, after seeing Marco. By the time he gets there he’s feeling exhausted again, and he just wants a nap. He doesn’t have time for a nap. He has classes all tomorrow morning, work for Pyxis in the afternoon, and then the closing shift at the café. He won’t have anytime for homework, so he needs to do it today.

He gets back and sees Farlan sitting on the couch, but he goes into their bedroom to put his stuff down and reluctantly pull out his books and the laptop. Collectively, the three of them have two laptops, after Farlan’s broke. They don’t have any real plans to replace it anytime soon. They’d only just gotten Isabel her own, managing to scrape together the few hundred dollars for a cheap one over the summer. Farlan does most of his studying on campus anyway, where he can find a computer to use.

Levi comes out of the bedroom, walks towards the kitchen table, and then stops. He pauses, looks over at Farlan. He frowns.

“What is it?” Levi says.

Farlan looks up. He’s been staring down at his phone, a blank, distant look on his face. It’s out of character.

“Huh?” Farlan says.

Levi takes a couple steps closer, still frowning. “What happened?” Levi says. He gestures vaguely at Farlan. Farlan bites his lip and looks back down at the phone.

“My dad messaged me.”

Levi puts his books and laptop down on the table, and then sits down across from Farlan on the couch.

“He wants to meet for coffee,” Farlan says. Levi waits. Farlan keeps biting his lip. “I know what you’re gonna say,” Farlan says.

_Fuck right you know what I’m gonna say_. “Do you want to meet him?” Levi says instead.

Farlan runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. God, I don’t know.”

“Did he just get out?”

“No. No, it’s been months.”

“He say why now then?”

Farlan shakes his head. “Yeah,” he says. “Said he wanted to get his shit together first. Said he got sober.”

“He’s said that before.”

“He’s been in prison for over a year, he must of gotten sober then,” Farlan says.

Levi says nothing. He knows Farlan knows that doesn’t mean he currently is.

Farlan fidgets with his phone. “I won’t give him money,” Farlan says. “If I met him, I’d just meet. I don’t have to see him again after that.”

“You don’t have to decide now,” Levi says. “You can table it. You could message for a while first, see how that goes.”

“Yeah,” Farlan says. “Maybe I’ll do that.”

“I could go with you,” Levi says, “if you do decide to.”

Farlan actually breaks out in a laugh at that, finally looks up and meets his eyes with a smile. “Yeah, because that’s a great idea.”

Levi shrugs. “It would tell you pretty fast if he’s still got a temper problem.”

The last time Levi saw Farlan’s father, after all, Levi had threatened him with a knife and nearly choked him out. Of course, the last time Levi saw Farlan’s father, Farlan was sliding down a wall with a bloody nose and glass shards over his clothes. They’d been sixteen, almost seventeen. His father had gotten arrested for the first time shortly afterwards, at which point Farlan’s aunt moved into their apartment.

“I should meet him,” Farlan says. “He just wants to meet.”

“You don’t owe him anything, Far,” Levi says. His frown deepens. “Don’t make me call you a hypocrite.”

It’s not quite the same, and they both know it, but they’ve had that conversation too many times for Farlan to start spouting shit about how he should be accommodating his father, who only wants to meet. Farlan’s told Levi too many times that he doesn’t need to do shit for Kenny. Told Levi too many times that it doesn’t matter that Kenny took him in, doesn’t matter that Kenny was fine when he was a little kid, doesn’t matter that it only got bad after Lovof.

Farlan smiles at that again. “Yeah, I know,” Farlan says. “But still. I could meet him.” He takes a deep breath. “Don’t tell Is.”

“She’s gonna kill you when she finds out,” Levi says.

“That’s why you’re not gonna tell her.”

“She always finds out.”

“At least don’t tell her until I decide on something.”

“Fine,” Levi says. “Your death sentence.”

Levi hates the idea, but he’s not going to try to convince Farlan not to see his father – at least, not yet. Levi seriously doubts that he’s changed, that he really cleaned up his act, but if Farlan really wants to see him – if he was actually sober, actually realized how shitty he’d been, Levi could see how maybe, it might be okay for Farlan to start talking to him again. Farlan's dad had never gotten bad the way Kenny was.

It doesn’t change the fact that he’d been an abusive asshole and Farlan would be entirely justified in cutting all contact completely with him. Levi still thinks it would be better that way.

“Do you want to walk down to the park?” Levi says.

Farlan loves the park. Farlan and Isabel would both love to live outside the city, Levi thinks.

But Farlan shakes his head. “No, I’ve got work. You do too. I’ll be okay.”

“Okay,” Levi says. He’s never been good at comforting people. With Isabel he makes hot chocolate and puts on Disney movies and cheesy romcoms and feeds her chocolate and bagels. Farlan is harder. But Farlan likes to talk, where Isabel will bottle everything up, and Levi has learned that usually the best thing for him to do is just to sit and listen and let Farlan work through it all out loud.

When Levi’s having a bad day, he goes to Erwin’s at night. He will never admit it out loud, but he craves the comfort that Erwin will give him, as well as that childish sense of safety he gets at Erwin’s apartment, as if it were insulated from the outside world. But when Levi’s having a bad _cleaning_ day, he stays at his own place. Erwin’s never seen him with bloody hands, or as he re-washes every plate in the kitchen, or scrubs the same spot on the tiles for twenty minutes, or stays in the shower for two hours – and Levi would really like to keep it that way.

Levi’s OCD has never made sense to him. It’s not so much germs or illness as it is dirt and filth, yet his most prominent compulsion is hand washing. Germs and illness still bother him, but they’re not his biggest trigger. Pam’s theory was that cleaning was a way to control his surroundings, and hand washing and bathing were ways to control himself, to establish autonomy and unconsciously reassure himself that he was in control of what happened to him. Levi thinks Pam just has an obsession with the whole _control_ theme.

Two days after he talks with Marco, Levi makes a mistake. He’d felt on edge since the meeting, and he hadn’t told Farlan yet about Rod trying to contact Kenny, not after Farlan’s father had contacted him. Levi should know when he has to wipe down every seat before he sits down that day that he needs to go back to his own apartment that night. He should know that he’s going to crack when he spends three minutes washing his hands in the bathroom of the psych building, when he washes the countertops of the café between nearly every customer during his shift, when he spends ten minutes standing in the gym locker room because he can’t decide if using the disgusting showers there or walking all the way back to his apartment without showering is worse.

But Levi doesn’t have to work that night, and he and Erwin had planned on having dinner together, and Erwin was so excited about this new recipe he wanted to try. So Levi ignores how anxious and tense he’s felt all day and tells himself that it’ll be better once he’s at Erwin’s apartment and can relax.

Levi gets to Erwin’s apartment about an hour before he knows Erwin is due to be back. Erwin and Mike, despite Levi’s insistence that it is a terrible idea and they are sure to be robbed one day, leave a key outside they’re apartment, taped to the bottom of their entryway mat. (They insist that it’s safe because it’s taped there.) Levi occasionally does this, where he comes over before Erwin is back, when their schedules don’t line up and Levi is coming from school, not from his apartment, and Erwin knows he’ll be there early today.

Levi walks in and starts towards Erwin’s room to drop his bag there when he stops in the kitchen. There are dirty dishes in the sink.

It doesn’t feel like he’s snapping. It doesn’t feel like something cracks or breaks inside of him, like this is the final straw. It never does. It feels the complete opposite actually – it feels like something clicking into place, like something closing shut, like a marble sliding onto a track to follow a divot round and round.

Levi drops his bag on a chair at the kitchen table and goes to wash the dishes.

He washes all the dishes, and then without thinking about it starts cleaning the sink, and that turns into cleaning the counters, and suddenly Levi’s heart is pounding and his breathing has gone shallow and too fast and he can’t get out of it, suddenly all he can think about is when is the last time they cleaned the floors? There must be dust on top of the cabinets. Is that a stain or a spot of food on the tabletop? Is there any food that’s gone bad in the fridge? That looks like mold on the windowsill.

And then Levi is washing his hands. Over and over, up to his elbows. He uses dish soap. It calms him, and yet he still feels like he can’t breathe. He keeps going, over and over. It’s like an itch, the more he scratches the worse it gets. He’s a marble, stuck on a track, round and round and round. He watches his hands turn pink, then red, watches them go raw, and doesn’t feel it. They start bleeding, previous scabs reopening, tiny little spots appearing through cracked skin at first, and then starting to mix with the water, and then properly bleeding. And that only makes it worse, because now he needs to wash off the blood as well.

He doesn’t hear the door open. He’s just washing and washing, eyes only going from the bottle of soap to the water to his hands, and then Erwin is next to him.

“Levi.”

And Levi scrubs his hands. He knows Erwin being there is bad, knows that he doesn’t want Erwin to see, but it is a so very far away worry when he is not clean, he is filthy, he needs to wash his hands.

“Levi, sweetheart, you’re bleeding,” Erwin says. His voice is gentle. Levi barely processes it, the soothing tone.

He needs to wash the blood off. It doesn’t matter how much he didn’t want Erwin to see this, how much his hands hurt – he has to wash them, has to get them clean.

“Levi, you need to stop. Levi, please, can you look at me? You need to stop, your hands are clean. You’re bleeding.” There’s an edge of pain this time to his words but Levi doesn’t stop to think about it, can’t stop when Erwin touches his arm and Levi flinches away.

“No,” he says. He tenses up, afraid Erwin’s going to try to physically pull him away.

“Levi, where’s your pill? The one you took at the health center? Do you have it with you?”

Levi says nothing, and he only registers that Erwin has walked away when he comes back, Levi’s water bottle and a pill in his hands. “Take this,” Erwin says.

Levi shakes his head. He can’t stop.

“Levi, you need to take this. Please, Levi, it’ll take one second. Just take the pill.”

And Erwin’s voice is pained, and Levi glances at him, just for a second, sees the water and the pill. He turns back to his scrubbing, continues for a few seconds, and then turns abruptly back to Erwin, grabbing up the water and the pill and swallowing it before going back to washing.

“Levi, you really need to stop, darling. You’re hurting yourself. You’re clean. It’s alright. How about you stop, and we can take a shower instead, okay? Can we take a shower instead?”

Erwin touches his shoulder and this time Levi doesn’t flinch away. He feels Erwin’s hand move to his back, start rubbing circles, slow, calm. His voice is calm too this time. Levi’s movements slow, and then he stops washing his hands, lets them go still, the scalding water running over them. They sting. He knows they’ll hurt more later. His skin is itching, and suddenly a shower doesn’t seem like such a bad idea at all.

“Okay,” he says.

He lets Erwin steer him towards the bathroom, and then Levi’s stripping out of his clothes, and he doesn’t wait for the water to heat up before stepping into the shower. He goes for the soap.

“Let me do it,” Erwin says, stepping in after him. Levi shakes his head, pulls away. “Let me do it, Levi,” Erwin says. He has a washcloth in his hands. Levi looks for another, but there isn’t one, or anything else, a loofah or a sponge. “Let me see,” Erwin says.

Levi surrenders the soap. He lets Erwin wash him, let’s Erwin wash his hair afterwards. It takes twenty minutes for the pill to start working, about forty for it to really kick in. Levi calms a little in those first twenty minutes anyway, and then as the pill starts working, when Erwin suggests they get out, Levi acquiesces. They dry off, get dressed again. Erwin steers him towards the couch.

As Levi starts really calming down, it starts catching up with him. Erwin takes a first aid kit out and bandages his bleeding knuckles, as well as he can anyway. They hurt quite a lot now. Erwin sits on the couch beside him, bandaging him up, and Levi tilts his head down. He starts feeling sick to his stomach, a heavy weight settling, a tied up knot of guilt and shame mixed with the usual miserable despondency he always feels after he does this.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

Erwin glances up at him. “Levi, you don’t have to be sorry,” he says. He rubs a hand over Levi’s knee, then closes the first aid kit. He keeps rubbing Levi’s knee. “What happened?”

Levi doesn’t answer at first. He can feel his eyes start burning. _Idiot_ , Levi thinks. Because why did he come over here when he was feeling so shit? Why did he not think to at least go into the bathroom, use the bathroom sink? Why didn’t he take his pill earlier? Why didn’t he call Farlan or Isabel? Why did he _always fucking do this?_

Levi’s jaw clenches, and he grits his teeth, curls his fingers. The pill is starting to make him hazy, his thoughts slippery. He is _not_ going to cry. “I’m sorry,” he says again.

“It’s okay,” Erwin says. “I’m fine. You know I… you know I knew, Levi? You haven’t scared me off. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

_That just makes it worse_ , Levi thinks. Because yes, Levi had assumed that Erwin probably knew, that he’d seen the cracked raw knuckles and guessed what it was, considering how clean Levi needs things, but knowing about it and seeing him bleeding over the sink are two very different things.

“I just want you to be alright, Levi,” Erwin says. “Are you feeling a little better now?”

Levi’s eyes burn. He swallows hard. _No_. No, he is not feeling better. Just a different kind of terrible.

Erwin rubs his knee. “What can I do to help?” Levi shrugs. He doesn’t know what will help. He feels sick. “Do you want to call Farlan?” Erwin says. Levi shakes his head. He doesn’t know what he’d say – that he fucked up? That he did it at Erwin’s apartment? “I’ll make some tea,” Erwin says.

Erwin puts the kettle on. He comes back and sits down again. He’s quiet for a moment, and Levi’s starting to feel almost numb.

“I’m really not upset, Levi,” Erwin says. “I mean, I am upset that you feel so poorly, but I’m not upset with you, Levi. It’s okay. We’re okay.”

Levi lets out a long breath. “Didn’t want you to see,” he says.

Erwin places a hand on his leg again. “Levi, I want to see. I want to help you.”

And really, Levi knows that, but he doesn’t _want_ help. He doesn’t want to need help. And he’s not ready to get into all of it. He’s not ready for Erwin to know all of it, and this feels like a gateway.

It feels like all he’s been doing lately is letting Erwin see the screwed up parts of him. _You don’t know what you’re saying_ , Levi thinks. _You don’t know what you’re signing up for._

“What happened?” Erwin says again.

Levi lets out a long breath. “Dishes,” he says.

Erwin blinks at him, and then Levi realizes what he said, and his stomach sinks again. “The dishes in the sink?” he says.

Levi puts a hand over his face. “No – I mean, yes, but not – it’s been building all day, I shouldn’t have come here, I knew this was going to happen.” Erwin nods. “It’s not your fault,” Levi says. They were just some stupid fucking dishes.

“Next time call me,” Erwin says. “Next time you’re having a bad day. I’ll make sure everything’s clean first.”

“Probably would have happened either way,” Levi says.

“Still,” Erwin says. “No reason to make you more anxious. Any reason today was bad?”

Rod Reiss was trying to get ahold of his uncle and Lovof was looking for him and there was probably a connection between the two, but Levi is not about to say that. It just reminds him some more about the last time both Lovof and Kenny were involved.

It’s almost funny, because the only one he’s ever told what happened with Lovof is Kenny. Farlan and Isabel know the basics anyway, but Levi’s never told them, never talked about it – he’d just shown up beat up and suddenly not having anything at all to do with Lovof or Inner Sina. They figured out the rest. Actually, Levi thinks Farlan and Isabel probably think Kenny broke his arm, not Lovof.

But Levi won’t say any of that to Erwin, so he just shrugs.

“Do you see a therapist for it?” Erwin says.

Levi freezes, feels his stomach and chest tighten. _Fuck_. He doesn’t want to talk about this. It’s getting too close to too many things. Levi says nothing, doesn’t know what to say. _It’s not even the worst thing I go for. It’s not even the reason Farlan and Is make me go._ He could almost laugh. He feels almost hysterical.

“It’s not anything to be ashamed of,” Erwin says.

And Levi feels a wash of exactly that, of shame and embarrassment, because he _hadn’t_ actually felt ashamed of it really, not until Erwin brought it up. He suppresses the urge to groan but puts a hand up to his face again. “No, it’s… yeah, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Erwin says. “That’s good. I only asked because I was going to suggest it, if you weren’t already.”

_Because he thinks you’re that fucked up_ , Levi thinks. But of course, Levi is that fucked up. He looks down at his hands, bandaged. _He just came home to you making yourself bleed in his kitchen_ , Levi thinks. He again feels the urge to apologize.

“I think I’ll order takeout,” Erwin says. “Do you have anything in mind?”

Levi looks up. “You were going to cook,” he says.

“Yes, but I can do that a different time. I’d rather stay and sit with you right now.” _You’ve ruined the night_ , Levi thinks. The whole reason he came there even though he knew he was doing badly. Erwin must see the change in his expression because his own falls and he frowns. “Or I can cook?” Erwin says.

“You already bought all the ingredients,” Levi says. “You’ve been talking about this for days.”

“I can always make it tomorrow, or this weekend,” Erwin says. “It’s not a problem, Levi.” He pauses, but Levi doesn’t say anything. “I can make it tonight if you really want, but it will take me a while.”

Levi lets out a breath. Erwin doesn’t really look happy about the idea, and yeah, Levi would rather Erwin sit with him. He feels shitty and even though he’s upset with himself for putting Erwin in this position, there’s still a large part of him that wants Erwin there with him, that wants the physical comfort Erwin will give him. He usually does homework and studying while Erwin cooks, but Levi can’t really do that when he takes Xanax. If he studies or does reading, he won’t remember it well. If he tries to complete homework, he finds it more difficult than it normally would be.

“We can get takeout,” Levi says. He pauses. “I want Chinese.”

Erwin’s expression goes to something soft, a smile. “That sounds great,” he says.

Levi sees Farlan at lunch the next day. He has a couple of band aids on the worst spots on his hands now. He’d really done a number on himself, even by his standards. When Levi sits down across from Farlan, Farlan’s eyes immediately go to his hands.

“I was in Erwin’s apartment,” Levi says. Farlan’s face falls and Levi starts unwrapping the sandwich he bought. He’s been making an effort to make sure to eat lunch since passing out.

“How’d he react?” Farlan says.

Levi huffs. “He was good, of course he was good. It was fine.”

Farlan keeps looking over at him. “You don’t look fine.”

“I hadn’t told him about it,” Levi says.

Farlan frowns. “I really doubt Erwin is going to be a jerk about any of it, and if he is then that just shows that he’s an asshole.”

“I still don’t want him to know,” Levi says.

“You don’t want him to know, or you don’t want to have to talk about it?” Farlan says.

Levi takes a bite of the sandwich. He ignores the question.

“You can’t avoid it forever,” Farlan says.

“We haven’t even been dating for three months, Far.”

“You’re at his place every other night,” Farlan says. “You’ve never had a relationship even close to this serious.”

“I dated Jeremy for six months.”

“Jeremy was a tool and you were using him for sex,” Farlan says.

Levi takes a bite of his sandwich instead of dignifying that with a response.

“Look, I’m not saying you divulge every detail of our fucked-up childhood in one night,” Farlan says. “It’s just, you don’t have to wait until you’re scrubbing your hands raw to mention that you have OCD.” Levi cringes. Farlan frowns at him. “You did tell him, right?”

Levi rubs a hand over his face. “I didn’t stop washing even after he came in, he sure fucking knows now.”

Farlan continues to frown at him. “But you didn’t tell him? Did you talk about it?”

“Not really.”

Farlan puts a hand over his own face and groans. “Levi.” Farlan wipes the hand down his face. “Sometimes, I swear, Levi, you have the emotional intelligence of dirt.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means it won’t kill you to talk about how you’re doing every once in a while.”

“Are you my therapist now?”

Farlan sighs. “You’re okay now?”

Levi runs his fingers over the knuckles of his opposite hand. They sting in response, and Levi feels the edges of the band aids under his fingertips. “Yeah, it’s alright now.” He doesn’t feel like clawing his skin off, so there’s that. “Decide anything with your dad?” Levi says.

“Not really,” Farlan says. “Think I’m just gonna text for a while, like you said – see how it goes.”

Levi nods. He picks at his sandwich a bit and looks down at his hands again, the scabs and band aids over them. His chest tightens a bit. He was going to tell Farlan about what Marco had told him, about Kenny and Lovof, but now that he’s sitting there, he doesn’t really want to. It’s not an urge to hide anything, not that he doesn’t want Farlan to know. He clenches his fist again, feels the sting and watches the scrapes on his fingers. It’s starting to seem like they never heal. He keeps making it worse, doesn’t let them heal completely before he does it all over again, scrubbing off scabs and tearing open the still healing skin. It’s compounded until here he is, looking like he’d gotten into a fistfight, it’s so bad.

“I’m doin’ kind of shit,” Levi says, still looking at his hand, flexing his fingers.

Farlan looks up, a little surprised when Levi glances at him. But his expression turns, softens a bit. “Yeah, it’s seemed that way, Lee,” he says.

Farlan waits. Levi feels like he’s sinking. He hadn’t talked much more with Erwin about it the other night – had spent it sitting on Erwin’s couch, watching a movie. He’d fallen asleep there on the couch. The pills always make him tired. He just feels strung out today. He really needed to get some studying done last night. He doesn’t want to tell Farlan about Lovof and Kenny because he doesn’t want to think about them, doesn’t want to acknowledge just how bad it could be that Lovof’s looking for him, doesn’t want to think about Kenny coming back, doesn’t want to have to think about any of it.

“What do you wanna do, Lee?” Farlan says.

“I don’t know,” Levi says. He keeps staring down at his hand. The band aid’s curling up on one side. He’s got a few more he threw into his backpack. He knows from experience that the one’s on his knuckles never stick well.

“You wanna try switching meds?” Farlan says.

Levi closes his eyes. “You know I don’t, Farlan,” he says.

He hates trying new meds. And these ones were working fine last year when he started on them, had worked fine all summer. He doesn’t know why this semester has been harder. It had started with the stupid neuroscience course and he’d been stressed and pressed for time because of work, working more hours than the last two years since they had an apartment now, had Isabel in school too now, and then all the shit with Lovof just made everything worse. He feels like he can’t catch his breath.

“Do you want to call Pam?” Farlan says.

Levi looks up to glare at Farlan. “I’m not doing _that_ bad.”

Farlan shrugs. “You know, you don’t actually have to be in a crisis to call her. You know if you need it, they’ll fit you in.”

“It’s not a today thing, Farlan, it’s an everyday thing,” Levi says, sliding a hand over his face. He’s not just having a bad day, isn’t something one conversation is going to fix. “It wouldn’t do fuck all anyway.”

“Well, what do you want to do, Levi?” Farlan says.

“I wanna go to sleep,” Levi says.

“You have work?”

“Walking to the office after this.”

“You could call in.”

Yeah, he could, Levi thinks. But then he wouldn’t get the money, and really, what was a couple hours of sleep going to do? He’d meant it when he said it wasn’t a today thing. Some extra sleep wasn’t going to fix things.

Levi glances at his phone, checks the time. “I gotta go,” he says. He half wraps up the sandwich, will take it to go and force down another few bites.

“Alright,” Farlan says. “Come back tonight if you want, we’ll watch a movie or something, okay? Go to sleep early for once.”

“Okay,” Levi says. “I’ll let you know.”

“And call me if you need to, alright?”

“Yeah,” Levi says, his chest untightening just a fraction. Farlan gives him a smile and then Levi leaves.


	6. Sodium Potassium Pumps and Four AM Phone Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Farlan is MVP. Levi's not doing so good. I named a character Fish.
> 
> (He's not named after anyone or thing specifically. I just imagined him in my head and thought of a fish. That was my naming process.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TW Please review the tags for warnings
> 
> Neuroscience was simultaneously one of the most interesting classes I've ever taken and the absolute bane of my existence for a semester, so Levi gets to enjoy that too now.

Levi sits in Hange and Moblit’s apartment, at their kitchen table, staring at the diagram in front of him, the one that is carefully drawn out in his notebook, a copy from the textbook. There’s a cup of truly horrendous tea in front of him (Levi does not understand how it is even possible for Hange to make such monstrosities with perfectly average store bought tea bags) and a bag of chips which Hange is steadily making her way through and which Levi has eaten none of.

Levi is currently failing his neuroscience course. Granted, there have only been quizzes so far so this is not in itself the end of the world, but the first exam is in three days and Levi is not feeling very optimistic.

“It’s not past the drop date,” Levi says, “I could try again next semester.”

Hange takes another chip. “Don’t be so dramatic, Shorty,” she says. “What’s the occipital lobe?”

“Back of the head, vision,” Levi says. “I can memorize the fucking parts of the brain Hange, I just don’t get this – this fucking sodium potassium thing.”

“I think you need a break,” she says.

“I don’t have time for a break,” he says. He still has other homework to do tonight. And he has an early morning shift at the café tomorrow, so he really should be getting to sleep early, preferably before midnight, and it is already past eight.

“Levi, we’ve been at this for hours. You need a break.”

Levi slams his hands down on the kitchen table and stands up, the chair scraping against tile. He runs his hands through his hair and starts pacing the kitchen and living room.

“I don’t know why I can’t fucking get it,” he says. Levi’s under no delusions that he’s a genius or anything, but he does fine in his classes, he’s not an idiot – his writing skills aren’t exactly the best, but he’s decent with math and he memorizes things with little effort. He doesn’t know why this is so difficult. It’s only a 200 level course, and yeah, he doesn’t have the bio background, but it shouldn’t really be _this_ hard.

“It’s a difficult class,” Hange says. She watches him from the table, still eating chips. Her eyes are getting that calculating look again though. Of course, that’s always Hange – wildly insane or calculatingly insane. Levi has yet to decide which version he finds more annoying. She slams her hand down on the kitchen table as well, even louder than Levi had. “I know,” she says, “we should have a drink!”

“You’re going to make me an alcoholic,” Levi says, as he watches Hange get up from the chair to her (much too large) liquor cabinet. Hange gets two glasses which she fills with lemonade before dumping some clear alcohol in without measuring. She hands one to Levi.

_Why the fuck not?_ Levi thinks. He downs his drink in seconds. It burns down his throat – vodka, he decides. There can’t be more than two shots in there and it takes more than that to get him drunk. Then again, he hasn’t eaten dinner.

_Shit_ , he thinks. His coach is going to be on him if he’s lost weight since last year, which he definitely has. He’d forgotten about dinner again. He swears it’s been weeks since he was properly hungry.

“We can go to rehab together,” Hange says with a grin.

Levi snorts. He shouldn’t find that funny, a part of him thinks. He hasn’t drunk himself unconscious (much) since he started on medication freshman year, but he’d been doing it with increasing frequency before that. _Self-medicating_ , his psychiatrist had called it. (Of course, his prescribed Xanax is even more addictive than alcohol. He doesn’t take it often.)

Hange reaches over and knocks her knuckles against his forehead once before Levi lurches backwards, swatting her hand away. “Fuck off Four-eyes,” Levi says.

“I needed to make sure you were still in there,” she says. She flops down onto the couch in the living room, and Levi glances back over at the abandoned textbook and notebook. He sighs though and sits across from Hange. Even if he doesn’t need a break, it looks like Hange is taking one. “What are you doing this weekend?” Hange says.

“Working,” Levi says automatically. He’s hoping to meet Eren at some point, but even without that, he has another job to do for Pyxis. And a shift at the café. He’s trying to get in as much as possible before hockey starts.

“You’re coming Friday though right?” she says.

“Yeah,” Levi says. “Think Farlan and Is might come too.”

Hange smiles widely. “Awesome,” she says.

Levi met Hange his freshman year in a gen-ed English course which Hange had somehow managed to put off until her junior year. They wound up sitting next to each other by chance. Hange laughed at the snide commentary Levi made under his breath at their lecturer and Levi begrudgingly allowed her to copy his notes when she was (very often) late. At first Levi found Hange incredibly annoying, but she grew on him. She also would not leave him the fuck alone. Their class was right before lunch, and when she saw Levi eating alone, Hange started sitting with him.

She’d majored in biology in undergrad and went straight to a bio-chemical engineering masters program afterwards. She works in the campus research lab now and is a TA for some of the intro bio courses.

“How are your other classes going?” she says.

“Econ is still boring as hell,” Levi says. He’s only taking it because it’s a pre-req for an accounting class he wants to take next semester – he works on a lot of fraud cases for Pyxis and he thinks it’ll be helpful. “Criminology’s okay. Professor for developmental psych is batshit crazy but the tests have been easy so far.” Levi grimaces. “Got another C on my cognitive psych test.”

“C’s get degrees,” Hange says, in an almost sing-song voice.

“They don’t get internships,” Levi says.

“You already have a job,” Hange says. “I’m sure Pyxis doesn’t give a shit about your GPA.” Levi’s grateful that his scholarship doesn’t hinge on his GPA – he just has to pass, basically. But he’d still rather not tank it this semester. “Why – were you thinking about trying for an internship?” she says.

Levi shrugs. “Maybe,” he says. This is when he’d need to do it – this summer. He’s not really sure. He likes working for Pyxis, and he really likes private investigation, but it wouldn’t hurt to get some different experience. He probably won’t though.

“How’s postgrad?” Levi says.

“Great! I can’t wait until they let me teach a lab!” Hange says, clapping her hands together.

“Because you didn’t manage to blow up enough shit already,” Levi says.

“I resent that, Levi,” Hange says. “It was only one time.”

“You only forced the building to _evacuate_ one time,” Levi says.

“If the fire alarm doesn’t go off, it doesn’t count,” she says.

Levi rolls his eyes.

“Want another drink?”

Levi sighs. “Still got more work,” Levi says, “and I’m not finished studying.”

“No fun,” Hange says.

Levi rolls his eyes. Despite what Hange might say, she is an absolute workaholic when it comes to her own classes. She’s the only one who can rival him in sleep deprivation. It seems to Levi that she either sleeps for four hours or twelve hours, with no in between.

While Eren’s case is a major priority for the firm right now, there are many other clients who they are doing work for. Pyxis offers a wide variety of services, and Levi does a lot of research in the office, as well as surveillance. Today he’s on a worker’s comp fraud case.

Which is why Levi is on the outskirts of the city, parked in the company car, watching some poor guy try to fix his car with what is clearly a bad shoulder. The company the guy works for thinks he’s lying about not being able to go back to his construction job yet. It’s pretty apparent to Levi that he was not lying.

Levi sighs and takes a few pictures and a couple short videos with his work phone to show the client. He’ll need to get a couple more examples that he really is still unable to work before submitting it back to the client. He pulls out a book from his bag sitting in the passenger seat. He’ll need to wait until the guy does something else that can be documented.

Levi’s just pulling out the book when there’s a knock on his window.

Levi jerks up, turning. He sees a tall man in a fedora and a long coat and goes cold. He’s reaching for his knife in an instant, glancing at the doors, but they’re locked, like they always are. The key’s already in the ignition and Levi glances in front of him and around but sees no one other than the man to his left.

The man steps back and holds out his hands. “Levi,” he says, “I’ve just come to talk.”

Levi flips the knife to his left hand and turns the key, the car revving to life. He puts one hand on the steering wheel but looks back at the man and narrows his eyes.

Fish. That’s what they call him. Levi doesn’t know his real name. He’s Lovof’s messenger, a close confidant. Levi hasn’t seen him in years. He looks exactly the same, a blank expression with a sheen of geniality, unassuming dress, a face that people forget – an invisible man, easy to overlook. Levi’s always been good at remembering faces.

Levi rolls down the window half way, just enough to hear him better. “What do you want?” Levi says. “You’ve got one minute.”

“Lovof would like you to meet with him,” Fish says. His tone is even, straightforward. His expression doesn’t change. “He has a proposition for you that I think you’ll want to hear.”

“No thanks,” Levi says. “You can tell him to leave me the fuck alone.”

“We’re just looking for a conversation, Levi,” Fish says.

“It sure didn’t seem like a conversation when you had me jumped,” Levi says.

“Michael got a little carried away,” Fish says. “It was a misunderstanding.”

“Sure it was,” Levi says. “I’m not interested.”

“Have you heard that the Reiss’s are all dead,” Fish says, “while you’ve been playing college boy?”

Levi tenses some more, teeth clenching. “Get away from the car before I run you over, Fish.”

“Lovof wants to see you,” Fish says. “There’s an opportunity here, Levi. You will hear him out.”

“Get fucked,” Levi says. He puts the car in drive.

“We know you’re looking for Eren Jeager,” Fish says, and Levi pauses. “We know you’ve been playing detective, running all over town. We were surprised too, when we learned Zeke had a half-brother.”

Levi has his foot on the break. He stares at Fish. _He’s lying_ , Levi thinks, is his first thought. _But why? And if he’s not?_ He’d never been able to find much of anything in terms of family records for Zeke. He’d thought it was strange. Eren thought his dad had something to do with the Reiss’s. Did Zeke start all this? Did Zeke contact Eren? Had the two always known each other?

_What a fucking mess._

“Kenny’s back in town,” Fish says. “We’ll admit you picked the right side last time, Levi. But Uri’s not around anymore and all that’s left is Rod. Pick the right side again, Levi.”

Levi puts his foot on the gas and looks ahead of him, pulling out.

“We’ll be in touch,” Fish says.

Levi slams the door when he gets back to their apartment. He’ll lie and tell Pyxis the workers comp guy went back inside and he wasn’t able to get anything.

_You already knew he was probably coming back_ , Levi tells himself. He shouldn’t be worried about Kenny.

Fish had followed him – probably knew where he lived, knew he was in college, knew he worked for Pyxis too, probably. But then, Fish could have made a house call. He didn’t. _Why?_ Was he trying not to appear threatening? Did he really not know where he lived? It wouldn’t be hard to figure out. Did he know about Erwin too?

And at the end of the day, what had Fish actually told him? Just that Lovof wanted to meet with him, which Levi had already known. He hadn’t actually asked anything, hadn’t told him what Lovof wanted, hadn’t said why he wanted to meet, what this _opportunity_ really was. _They’re fucking playing with me_ , Levi thinks. Dropping hints they knew exactly what he was up to, spouting shit about Eren and Zeke, almost cryptic – and then mentioning Kenny just to get him rattled. They wanted to draw him in, wanted to make him just the right mix of curious and paranoid, that he’d meet with Lovof just to get information, just to find out what he wanted, what he knew.

That night, Levi tells Farlan and Isabel about it, and tells them not to walk home alone anymore at night. During the day there’s enough people on the streets that Levi’s not too worried about it, but he doesn’t want either of them walking alone when they might be vulnerable.

“Don’t you think if he was going to threaten one of us, he’d have done it already?” Farlan says. “It doesn’t sound like he was being all that threatening when you saw him.”

“It’s a precaution,” Levi says. “It’s safer that way anyway.”

“Alright,” Farlan says.

“You too then,” Isabel says.

“I’ll be –”

“You’re not invincible, Levi,” Farlan says, “and if they really are going to get violent, they’re more likely to go straight for you anyway.”

“I’ll be fine,” Levi says. While Farlan used to carry knives the same way Levi still does, he was never as good a fighter. Isabel still carries a knife and pepper spray everywhere with her. Levi thinks that if Lovof were to try to go after one of them, he’d probably pick Isabel, but honestly she was probably better equipped to deal with it than Farlan. She was every bit as paranoid as Levi, and while none of them had lost the constant habit of being always aware of their surroundings, Isabel was more vigilant than Farlan.

Of course, none of that would really matter much if someone pulled a gun on her.

Levi can’t legally bring his gun on campus, and he could get into a _shit ton_ of trouble if he was caught. Even then, it would make him feel better to have it, but it’s not like if someone pulls a gun on him just having his own will fix the situation. He’d still be in serious danger.

“I’ll take the gun when I go out,” Levi says though. “And I’ll try not to be out walking back at night alone.”

“Do you really think he’s going to come after one of us?” Farlan says.

“No,” Levi says. Farlan is right, Fish had gone out of his way to not appear threatening. And if Kenny were really back, they were unlikely to make any serious move against Levi. Kenny had too many resources, knew too many people, was too unpredictable and too willing to turn violent. Even though Kenny and Levi weren’t exactly on the best of terms, if Lovof hurt Levi, Kenny would go batshit. If Farlan or Isabel did get hurt or abducted, Kenny would be Levi’s first stop, as much as he hates to admit it. He’d gotten Farlan out of shit before.

Kenny’s sticking point was always family – the only loyalty he really had. Levi considered Farlan and Isabel family, and for some reason Kenny respected that. Levi gave up trying to understand Kenny’s weird priorities a long time ago. Kenny would probably bitch about it and connive Levi into doing something for him in return, but he’d do his best to keep Farlan and Isabel safe if something happened.

“I don’t think he’ll really pull anything,” Levi says, “especially when Kenny’s around. But it can’t hurt to be safe.” Levi runs a hand through his hair. “I’ve gotta tell Erwin something.”

Farlan frowns. “I don’t think he’d go after Erwin, Levi. You guys haven’t been together that long. He knows how close you are with me and Is – if he’s going to come after anyone, it would be one of us.”

Farlan’s got a point. If they’re really watching him, they’ll know that Levi’s over at Erwin’s a lot, spends a lot of time with him, but they can’t really be trailing him that much, right? He’d have noticed by now – or at least, Lovof wouldn’t have waited this long to approach him if they were spending that much time on him.

Either way, it just didn’t make a lot of sense to go after Erwin, for exactly the reason Farlan said. Erwin was more of a gamble – they wouldn’t know if Levi was invested in the relationship or not, if maybe they were close to breaking up, if Levi really cared about Erwin or was just fucking. They knew how important Isabel and Farlan were to him. (There was also the fact that Erwin was six feet tall and built. While that mattered a lot less when a gun was involved, he still wasn’t the ideal target, not when Isabel and Farlan were also options.)

“I’ve gotta say something,” Levi says though. He can’t take the risk. He’d never forgive himself if something happened to Erwin because he didn’t tell him to be careful.

Farlan puts a hand on Levi’s shoulder. “I think you’re getting paranoid, Levi,” he says. “Go and tell him anyway, but I really don’t think we’ve got much to be afraid of.”

“Yeah,” Levi says. He knows he’s being overly cautions. Even when Lovof had a gun to his head, he’d never threatened Farlan or Isabel, and he’d certainly known about them and how close they were. Of course, he hadn’t needed to. Levi was afraid enough himself. But Lovof hadn’t counted on Levi running to Kenny, hadn’t counted on Kenny finding out about Lovof’s plan to oust Uri.

In the end, Lovof got the money and the drugs Levi owed him, and even kept his life and his station despite Kenny finding out his plans. That was supposed to be the end of it. Levi’s debt was paid, and Kenny and Uri did Lovof a favor by not killing him or driving him away, in an unspoken agreement that Kenny’s nephew would be let off. That was three and a half years ago. Levi hadn’t seen or heard from Lovof or any of his people since.

Levi wipes his hands over his face, hunching forward with his elbows on the table. “I’m sorry about this,” he says.

Isabel puts a hand on his back. “We’ll be okay, big bro,” she says. “You don’t owe him anything.”

“And it’s not your fucking fault,” Farlan says. “So quit that.”

Levi doesn’t answer. He’ll always feel guilty about putting them in danger, especially over his stupid decisions. No one forced him to start working for Lovof. Kenny had sure warned him enough times to stay away from the guy. Levi turns around to go back into his bedroom.

“Big bro?” Isabel says.

Levi goes to his closet and chest of drawers to grab a clean T-shirt and shorts. “I’m going for a run,” he says.

“Didn’t you go to the gym this morning?” Isabel says.

“I didn’t run today,” Levi says. Not much, anyway.

“Lee,” Farlan says, in that voice that makes Levi grit his teeth, that voice that has him feeling guilty and annoyed in the same breath.

Levi changes quickly. He grabs a knife and his phone. “I won’t be gone long.” 

“Hey,” Levi says when Erwin answers the door. He looks tired again, and a little more tense than usual. He leans against the kitchen table and crosses his arms, while Erwin finishes pouring soup into a pot to heat up. He’d started before Levi arrived.

“How was your day?” Erwin says.

Levi lets out a long sigh. “I actually wanted to talk to you about that.” Erwin turns to him, frowning. It sounds unlike him. Levi’s looking at the floor, before he runs a hand through his hair and glances up. “Look, this guy… this guy I used to know, he stopped me today and… he’s dangerous.” Levi grimaces. “I don’t think he’d try anything – I’d be really surprised if he did, but just, I needed to let you know, so you can be careful.”

Erwin frowns. “You think someone would try to hurt me?”

“I don’t think he would,” Levi says. “But it’s possible. Just… be careful, okay?”

“Why do you think he would try to hurt me?” Erwin says with growing alarm. “Is he trying to hurt you?”

“No,” Levi says. His words are stilted in a very uncharacteristic way – he doesn’t look very afraid though, more uncomfortable. “Not right now. I don’t… he just wants to see me for some reason, and I’m not going to see him, which is probably gonna piss him off, and he’s not someone you want pissed off.”

“Why does he want to see you?” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs. “Probably wants me to do something for him. I don’t want anything to do with him. I’m pretty sure he won’t do anything, but just, be careful and shit.”

“Okay,” Erwin says. He’s pretty alarmed that he could be in some kind of danger, but Erwin also trusts Levi to tell him if things were more serious. “What about you though – you’re not more worried he’d try something with you then?”

“I’m gonna be careful too,” Levi says. “But I have a gun and carry a knife, so.”

“Should you be contacting the police?” Erwin says.

“They won’t be able to do shit,” Levi says. “What am I gonna tell them? This guy came up to me and asked me to a meeting? He didn’t even threaten me or anything.”

“Hm,” Erwin says. “Why do you say he’s dangerous?”

Levi tenses. He looks to the side and bites at his lip, crosses his arms in front of him again. “He… well, he’s not mafia but he’s pretty close.”

Erwin’s eyes widen. “He – what?”

Levi pulls out a chair and sits heavily in it. “The biggest crime syndicate in the city is called Inner Sina. He’s a big player.”

Erwin stares at him, trying to process. “He – okay… how do you know him?”

“My uncle,” Levi says.

“And he’s looking to talk to you? Why would he be looking for you?”

Levi rubs a hand over his face. “I don’t know,” he says. “I’ve met him before. He knows who I am. I don’t know what he wants with me now, I haven’t seen him in years.”

“How did your uncle know him?” Erwin says.

“My uncle did a lot of shit, Erwin,” Levi says.

Levi’s never told him much about his uncle, just that he lived with him until college when he moved out, that he doesn’t keep in touch, that his uncle knew a lot of unsavory people. Erwin had not realized just how unsavory that meant.

Erwin knows, in vague and fractured terms, that Levi had a rough childhood, that he and Farlan got into some shit when they were teenagers. Farlan’s referenced, offhand, dealing weed when they were younger, stealing from convenience and grocery stores, getting into fights. But what Erwin knows he mostly knows from things that Farlan’s said, always indirect, in conversation. Levi rarely talks about it. But even with all that, Farlan’s rarely mentioned Levi’s uncle. Erwin has known that there has to be more to that story. Had to be more for Levi to have completely cut contact with his uncle who he lived with since he was a child.

Erwin has seen the scars on Levi’s back. Levi has a lot of scars, all over his body really. Almost all of them are faded, to the point where they’re really not very noticeable – Levi’s always said that he heals fast. There’s a curved scar just below his hairline, over his left eye, which his hair covers most of the time. His right knee has a larger one, like a splotch, another on his right elbow, that he said he got while skateboarding. A few of almost straight lines, on his thigh, his arm, his ribs, mostly from cuts, knives, Levi’s told him. His knuckles are scarred. The one across his right palm is probably the worst, jagged and raised, like it didn’t heal right – he got it grabbing the blade of a knife. There’s a few smaller ones, oval shaped, on his ribs. Another curved one on his upper arm. A scattering of smaller marks on his left forearm, which Levi said he got falling into a glass table.

The scars on his back are mainly small, jagged marks and longer line-like ones. Some more of those small ovals. The marks on his back wouldn’t stand out as worse than any of the others if it weren’t for the fact that there were simply so many of them. Levi had told him that they were also from falling onto that glass table. Erwin doesn’t believe him.

Standing there now, looking at Levi in his kitchen chair, Erwin’s chest tightens, a heavy feeling. He wants to bring it up and at the same time thinks this isn’t a good time. He’s never brought it up before. Either the scars really are from a glass table or he’d intentionally lied about it and thus clearly isn’t ready to talk about it with him.

“How deep in was your uncle?” Erwin says instead.

“Real fucking deep,” Levi says. He looks back up, his eyes clear and on Erwin. “I don’t want to freak you out,” Levi says, “I just needed to tell you so you can be careful. I really don’t think he’ll try anything, especially not with you.”

“Okay,” Erwin says. 

Levi struggles to fall asleep that night. He takes ten milligrams of melatonin, lies down in bed until Erwin falls asleep, then gets up again and goes back to the living room. He watches some TV, looks over his neuroscience notes again. An hour and a half later, he tries again and manages to fall asleep.

Levi has a nightmare that night.

He’s in Kenny’s apartment, the shapes of furniture twisted in his memory. It turns to fractures. Levi is staring into his old bedroom one moment, then the next he’s looking down at his arm, then at a cast on his arm. There’s a palpable feeling of dread and fear sweeping in, like a premonition.

Levi looks up to see Kenny, rage on his face, hat tilted forward but head tipped back, so Levi can see his eyes, can see his yellow-stained teeth, barred.

Levi tries to run.

Fractures – his face slams into the table. He feels a hand clamped over the back of his neck. A hot stripe of pain over his back. His shirt is gone. His back on fire, like they’ve fast-forwarded, suddenly it’s his entire back, burning over every inch of it, stripe after stripe. He tries to scream and can’t. He tries to move and can’t.

He jolts awake all at once, springing up, darkness around him.

“Levi – Levi, breathe, it’s okay, it was a dream.”

Levi bends forward, presses his hands against his head. He flinches when he feels a hand on his shoulder. For several seconds, the pain reverberates, and he can’t stop gasping.

His mind catches back up after that. His breathing slows. Erwin flicks on a light, and the blankets and the bed come into view, the dresser across from him, the mirror by the closet – Erwin’s room. He’s in Erwin’s room.

“Fuck,” Levi says. His stomach turns. He feels like he’s going to be sick.

“It was just a dream, it’s okay,” Erwin says.

Levi shudders. _How bad was it then?_ He doesn’t usually wake Erwin up. Usually he wakes up fast from nightmares – just a jolt, and he’s awake, sometimes he doesn’t even remember what they were about. They were a problem because they kept him awake, not because they were really terrifying.

At least, not usually. Levi swallows. He can still feel the belt on his back, over and over. Nightmares about Kenny always leave a special kind of vulnerability.

“Levi, can I touch you?” Erwin says.

Levi swallows again. His throat feels dry. “Yeah,” he says.

Erwin touches his back, and Levi flinches again. His skin feels hot, oversensitive. Erwin freezes and Levi looks away. Erwin reaches out a hesitant hand to place on Levi’s knee, over the blankets, instead. Levi lets out a long breath.

“What was it about?” Erwin says.

Levi closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“Levi, baby, talk to me.”

“Don’t call me that,” Levi says.

Erwin rubs his knee through the blankets. Slowly, Levi leans back against the pillows, lets his breath even out a little more. Then he sits up again.

“I’m getting some water,” Levi says. He slips out of bed and then the room, flicking on the light in the kitchen.

He drinks a glass of water, and by the time he goes back into the bedroom he’s feeling a bit better, more himself. Erwin is sitting up in bed with a frown on his face, the lamp still on. Levi glances at the clock – four a.m. – and goes to his bag. He pulls out a new pair of boxers and a T-shirt.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” Levi says.

Levi can feel Erwin’s frown before he even stands up.

“Levi,” Erwin says. Levi looks back. It’s such a sad, almost pained frown on Erwin’s face. Levi’s chest tightens a little. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Levi says. “I’m fine, I’ll be back in a bit.”

“I’ll wait up for you,” Erwin says.

“Don’t bother,” Levi says. At Erwin’s continued frown, Levi sighs. “I’m fine, Eyebrows. And I won’t deal with your grumpy ass in the morning, so go to sleep.”

That gets him a half-cracked smile, and Levi goes for the bathroom.

He stands under the hot spray and takes long breaths. He rarely dreams about Kenny actually hitting him. More often the nightmares are about the before – when he’d gotten back from the hospital, after having his arm put in a cast, while Kenny was still out. Waiting for him to come back home, his stomach twisting the whole time, debating the whole time if he should hide at Farlan’s for a couple days, despite Kenny’s threats that Levi better be in the apartment when he got back.

It was the worst kind of dread. His arm still throbbing, the sinking knowledge that as soon as Kenny got back, Levi was due for the beating of a lifetime. He was already hurting and scared – terrified that Lovof would make good on his promises, that Kenny wouldn’t be able to clean up this mess for him.

He sat shaking on the living room couch for hours, waiting for Kenny to get back. It was almost five a.m. by the time he did.

Afterwards, Levi limped his way to Farlan’s apartment, knocked on the door until Farlan opened it, a sleepy, annoyed look on his face before it went stark with shock. Levi couldn’t stop flinching from Farlan’s careful hands on his back. He started crying when Farlan told him one of the cuts would need stitches.

Levi takes a shuddering breath. He tilts his head forward so the water drips down his hair and face, off his nose, his chin, runs down his cheeks. It sprays at the back of his neck, at his back, and Levi takes another long, hitching breath. He focuses on the soft heat, the water running down his skin, cleansing and gentle.

_“Ackermans don’t beg.”_

Levi shudders. He leans forward until his forehead touches the cool tile wall. His breath catches and Levi can’t help the bitter smile that starts on his face.

_Wonder if he knows how much he fucked me up_ , Levi thinks. Family, to Kenny, meant loyalty. He’d taken Levi in without a second thought, had protected him from Lovof, had taught him to fight, had forbidden him from having anything to do with people that Kenny deemed too dangerous. And yet, here he was.

Kenny only got really bad after the incident with Lovof. Levi only found out afterwards, but it coincided with Uri Reiss getting progressively sick, until he eventually died. It made for shit luck for Levi, with Kenny drunk or high, angry and under pressure and grieving. And there was Levi, his little shit of a nephew who went off and did exactly what he’d been told not to, until he got into the exact danger he’d been warned about. And that was another mess Kenny had to clean up.

Levi can taste that sick panic. In the months after Lovof broke his arm, all it took was the sound of their front door opening for Levi to tense up, to freeze, waiting to see what mood Kenny was in tonight. It was rarely a good one.

_“I’ll start with your molars and work my way up.”_

Levi squeezes his eyes shut, hands clenching to fists. Lovof had shown him the pliers, a hand on his jaw. Water runs down his neck, heat at his back. He clenches his teeth and his jaw aches. He can feel fingers on it. Lovof’s man had twisted his arm behind his back, had done it slowly, bent his wrist back. Levi gritted his teeth the whole time, refused to cry, refused to yell out. Tears pricked at his eyes but he stared back at Lovof. He can hear his wrist snapping, and then his scream. But then they didn’t stop twisting it, didn’t stop bending it back, just kept fucking _going_.

_“I don’t know, I don’t fucking know!”_

_Deep breaths,_ Levi thinks, hears really, an echo from Farlan and Isabel. It feels like forcing air through a straw, like trying to fill his lungs through a straw.

Kenny’s hand against the back of his neck, face pressed to the table, until he cracked, until he couldn’t take it anymore. _“Stop, Kenny, stop, fuck, please, I’m sorry.”_ He should have known better, had learned early that it was best if he stayed quiet, if he just took it, waited it out. _“Ackermans don’t beg.”_

Levi jolts at the sound of a door opening, the dull squeak of a jammed door, and for a second, his whole body tenses. He sees Kenny’s shape, hat, long coat, and he cringes back. The smell of cigarettes and alcohol, the burning tip of a cigarette hanging from his mouth that has him flinching already, because it’s burning down to the end.

“Levi?”

The shower curtain rings clink above him, the water hot on his neck, back. He opens his eyes. Erwin’s face, and Levi’s freezing in the hot water, scalding and cold. He hears his own breaths, ragged, too loud.

“Levi, are –”

Levi turns and presses his face against Erwin’s chest, breathes in his scent, squeezes his eyes shut again. A choking noise comes up his throat. He feels arms wrap around him and Levi wants to sit on the floor of the shower in that embrace, wants a blanket made of the feeling. He breathes too hard, lungs ache, and his back burns, his jaw burns, his wrist burns. It was the only time he ever cried when Kenny beat him.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here.”

Levi’s breaths even slowly. He keeps his eyes shut. He lets the soft heat of Erwin’s palms against his back drown out the burning.

“Let’s get you out, come on.”

Levi opens his eyes, leans back. The first thing he sees is the blue cotton of Erwin’s shirt, wet and sticking where Levi’s leaned against him. Levi just stares at it a moment.

“Levi?”

Levi looks up. Erwin runs a hand through his hair, over his scalp, gentle. Levi lets out a breath, then nods, before he shuts the water off. His hand shakes, and he stares at it for a moment in surprise.

He gets out of the shower, takes the towel when Erwin offers it. Erwin pulls his shirt off just as Levi pulls one on. Erwin leads him back to bed, and Levi lies down, moves to Erwin as soon as he joins him.

Erwin strokes his back. Levi’s breaths calm. _Why?_ he thinks. Why had he gone from feeling a little shitty to that rapid-thought trap so quickly? He hasn’t thought about that day in such detail in months. _Was it really just the stupid nightmare?_ He still feels off-center. It’s like losing his balance, everything suddenly tilting sideways when he’d thought he had it under control.

“Will you tell me about it?” Erwin says. Levi doesn’t know if he’s talking about the shower or the nightmare, or both – _are they really the same?_ He’d felt okay in between when he got a glass of water though – okay enough.

Levi says nothing. It’s enough of an answer. Erwin plays with his hair.

“I’m here, you know, if you want to talk,” Erwin says.

“I know,” Levi says. His voice croaks. He feels like he’s cracking apart. His breath hitches, and he tucks his head down, into Erwin’s chest, under his jaw. He takes a ragged breath, feels it catch again, like his lungs stalling.

“Easy,” Erwin says. “It’s okay now.”

_I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m safe, I’m fine_ , Levi thinks. He takes a longer breath.

_“You will hear him out.”_ Fish’s voice from the afternoon rattles in his head. _“Kenny’s back in town.”_

Bile rises in his throat and Levi feels nauseas. He shudders. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter like maybe that will make it all go away. Just a few sentences and he’s back to seventeen, Lovof threatening to kill him, Kenny getting so bad he almost wished Lovof had, almost wished he’d never told Kenny in the first place.

Another wave of nausea. He’d been drunk. Sitting on the side of the bridge. He remembers the look of the water, a dizzy head rush, looking down. Remembers that stone heavy despair in his stomach, the desperation coiling his lungs, a pain like cracked ribs, every inhale a knife.

Levi feels everything drain and go still. It’s too much – Lovof looking for him, Kenny back, and the thought of seeing Lovof again has his heartrate spiking, the thought of seeing Kenny right now makes him want to vomit. And it’s four a.m and he has to be up in an hour to work at the café and all he wants to do is sleep and not wake up, not have to look at this nightmare ever again.

Levi rolls away from Erwin and grabs at his phone, then stands again. “Levi?” Erwin says.

“Shower,” Levi says.

“I’ll come with you.”

“No,” Levi says. He flinches away when Erwin reaches for him. He looks up to see Erwin’s expression and his throat tightens. _Fuck_. “I’m sorry,” he says. He can barely choke the words out. “I need – I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” Erwin says. His voice is soft, lost. Levi turns around before he starts crying at that look on Erwin’s face. He goes for the door, to the bathroom, shuts that too. His hands shake as he turns the water on, but instead of getting undressed, he sinks to the floor, knees against his chest.

He calls Farlan. He puts the phone to his ear and his stomach sinks as he hears it ring, once, twice, three, four times. Farlan’s voice comes over the line with his voicemail and Levi hangs up. His face crumbles. He puts his head between his knees and tries to breathe. His throat tightens some more. After a few moments of hesitation, he raises his head again and calls Isabel instead.

It rings. He gets her voicemail. Levi puts his head back down against his knees. A second later his phone starts buzzing.

Levi looks up. It’s Farlan. He answers.

“Hey, Lee.”

Levi freezes. His breathing is heavy over the line, but his mind blanks.

“Lee?”

The lump in his throat feels like it’s choking him, and the silence is like a boulder, heavy and dense and stealing his breath. It’s a long pause, and then Farlan’s voice has dropped, almost eerily steady suddenly.

“Lee, where are you right now?”

Levi sucks in a shaky breath. “Erwin’s,” he says.

“At Erwin’s apartment? Inside?”

“Yeah.”

He hears Farlan let out a breath over the line. “Good, that’s good,” he says. His voice goes a little lighter, softer. “What’s going on?”

And Levi freezes again. “Dunno,” he says. He swallows.

“You’re calling me at four a.m. man, something is going on,” Farlan says. “What’s wrong?”

Levi’s lungs decide to freeze again. “Lovof,” he gets out.

“You hear from him anymore?”

“No.”

“Just from before then? You’re just worried?”

Levi closes his eyes. He can feel the fingers on his jaw, the hands on his wrist, and he wants to scrub with a sponge, wants to scrub until the skin goes raw like his knuckles, until it’s all scraped away. “I keep…” Levi says.

Farlan gives him a second, and when all Levi does is let out another harsh breath, he says, “Did you already take your pill?”

Levi exhales. “No,” he says, voice tight. “No, I can’t, I have work in two hours. I have classes.”

“You wanna come back here? Do you want me to come get you?”

Levi runs a hand over his face. “I’m not some fucking kid,” he says. His fingers curl in his hair. He squeezes his eyes shut again. “ _Fuck_.”

“Erwin awake?”

“Yeah – I… fuck,” Levi says. He just left him like that, ran away.

“Okay,” Farlan says, “what happened then?”

Levi hears his own breathing, sharp and shallow. “Nightmare,” he says. “Was… I dunno, I couldn’t… I keep…” He takes in a shaky breath, and then his voice cracks. “I can’t make it stop.”

His throat tightens. Hands tight on his wrist, Fish’s face through the car window. Levi presses his face down into his knees again, sucks in a rough inhale.

“You’re alright,” Farlan says. “You’re okay now.” _I can’t breathe_ , Levi thinks. He tries to even them out, tries to get it under control. “Lee, can you slow down a bit? You’re breathing real fast, man. It’s okay.”

_Can’t breathe_. He can’t stop gasping. He opens his eyes and leans up enough to stare at his arm, his left arm, the one Lovof’s man broke while he screamed on his knees, on the cement ground in the basement of a bar. The one he had a cast on for weeks, the one Kenny held down too.

“Levi? You with me?” Farlan says.

“Mm,” Levi gets out. His hands shake.

“I think you should take your pill, Lee,” Farlan says. “You can call in, skip class for once. It’s okay.”

“No,” Levi says. “I’m not – I don’t need it.”

He hears a huff over the line, can almost see Farlan’s sad smile. “It really fucking sounds like you need it, Lee.”

Levi shakes his head even though he knows Farlan can’t see him – it’s more to himself, because Farlan’s not getting it. “It’s not…” he starts. He feels something hollow out in his chest, something empty and aching. Farlan feels suddenly very far away and Levi like he’s very alone, huddled there on the floor of Erwin’s bathroom.

Because it's not an anxiety attack, not really, not something some Xanax will fix. It’s that drowning bit of himself, that sharp, stabbing pain part of himself, the one that can’t let go of all the fucked up bits of his life, the one that claws at him, the one that hollows him out and fills it with that crushing, aching pain.

“I don’t wanna do this anymore, Far,” Levi says. He says it with his eyes closed, in a tiny voice with the sound of the shower running behind him, so he almost can’t hear himself say it, can almost ignore how pathetic he sounds, can almost ignore the ringing of the words.

There’s a long beat of silence. “Lee, I think I should come get you,” Farlan says.

“Don’t,” Levi says.

“We’ll call Pam –”

“I called you,” Levi says, too loud, forceful. “I called you.”

“I know,” Farlan says. His voice is too soft now, too gentle, like Levi’s some kind of spooked animal. Levi’s lip curls back, throat tight. “Yeah, you called, you did good, okay?”

“I’m not –” Levi says. “I’m at Erwin’s…” Levi swallows. “I feel like shit but that’s it.”

“Okay,” Farlan says, and Levi wonders again what the point of this is, when Levi doesn’t know what to say and there’s not really anything they can say to make it better. There’s another long pause where Levi only feels like he’s sinking. “Do you want to talk about the nightmare?” Farlan says.

“No.”

“You know why it got this bad?”

“No,” Levi says. He closes his eyes. “I’m tired.”

“Maybe it’s just stress,” Farlan says. “You should call Pam once it’s morning.”

“I don’t want to see Pam,” Levi says with a bubble of irritation.

“I know, Lee, but –”

“It doesn’t help,” Levi says. “It doesn’t fucking help, Far. It’s just going to suck an hour out of my day and I don’t have _time_ to just –”

“Alright,” Farlan says, and Levi knows by his tone that this isn’t the end of the conversation. There’s a sigh in the word. “We’ll see how you feel tomorrow, okay?”

Levi swallows. “Okay.”

“If you won’t talk to her, will you tell me about it?”

“Don’t know what you want me to say,” Levi says. He wraps his free hand around his knees a little tighter. His feet are cold on the tile.

“I don’t know, whatever you want to say. How come you called? What was going through your head?”

Levi shivers. He’s starting to feel cold, just in boxers and a T-shirt, sitting on the floor. Steam from the shower is starting to gather over the mirror. He wonders if Erwin is outside, if he’s waiting in the living room. He wants to take another shower but the water running right now is really to drown out his voice, so Erwin won’t hear him.

“I dunno,” Levi says, “Just…” _Didn’t wanna wake up_. The feeling was jarring and yet not surprising – shouldn’t have been surprising, was creeping up on him for the past month now, feeling like shit, exhausted, stressed, worried about this shit with Inner Sina. But it felt unexpected anyway, the sudden wash of desperation and pain. “I don’t know why this is happening,” Levi says instead, because that’s true too anyway. It makes him feel helpless, and has his stomach sinking. It was one thing, when he was fourteen, sixteen, seventeen, one thing when he was stuck with Kenny, his OCD unmanageable, the hopelessness that came with becoming increasing convinced of the inevitability of a dead-end minimum wage job or a permanent place in the criminal world, destined for jail or a premature death or both.

It was one thing when he had no help, no options, no way out. But he does now, things are good now, so he doesn’t get why everything still feels so horrible, why it’s gotten so much worse lately.

“I don’t know why…” Levi says. “I take my pills, see the damn shrink, I exercise and shit – I’m doing everything I’m supposed to, I don’t know why it’s all – why it’s still bad.”

“Seriously, Levi?” Farlan says. “You sleep on average four hours a night, you’re not eating, you skipped a week of pills, you completely overdo it with the exercise, and have you really been seeing Pam every week?” There’s amusement in his voice even as it’s still serious. “Don’t pretend you’re the picture of health just because you have a prescription and don’t sit on your ass all day.”

Levi scowls. “I don’t –”

“Seems like it’s the shit with Lovof getting to you,” Farlan says. “And I know you’ve been stressed. Try to eat and sleep more. You should talk to Pam about what else it might be. Maybe you’re just having a rough time.”

“Maybe,” Levi says.

“You feeling okay now?”

Levi lets out a long breath. “Yeah,” he says. “Better.” He pauses. “Thanks.”

“I’ll always pick up,” Farlan says. “You should go make yourself some tea. You said Erwin was up?”

“Yeah.”

“He freaking out?”

“Probably.”

“Go make some tea,” Farlan says. “Meet me for lunch?”

“Yeah.”

After they hang up, Levi contemplates the second shower he was going to take, but a cup of tea sounds good and while Levi’s kind of dreading trying to explain this, he does feel bad about bolting. So he shuts the water off, takes some deep breaths at the bathroom sink, looking at himself in the fogged up mirror, and then goes back out.

He checks the time and droops a little more. He has to be up to get ready to go to the café in less than an hour. _So much for sleeping more_ , Levi thinks. Levi opens the bathroom door and walks forward to see that Erwin is in fact in the living room waiting for him. He was clearly dozing, but he perks up as Levi comes out. Levi goes to the kitchen.

“Making tea,” he says.

Erwin watches him, and Levi sets the kettle before taking another deep breath and walking back over to Erwin. He sits down on the couch and Erwin’s hand smooths over his shoulder.

“Are you alright?” he says.

“Yeah,” Levi says. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Erwin says. “I heard you talking – not – I wasn’t listening, I just heard your voice – did you call Farlan?”

Levi’s chest tightens. “Yeah,” he says. He opens his mouth, but then flounders. He doesn’t know how to explain – that it’s easier with Farlan, that it’s easier with both Isabel and Farlan, because they already know, because he doesn’t have to explain everything. He’s never had to tell anyone all of it, because Farlan and Isabel were there. Because he’s not afraid of freaking Farlan out the way he is with Erwin.

It’s easier with Farlan than Isabel for the same reason. While Levi’s still pretty protective over both of them, it’s easier to lean on Farlan, easier to admit he’s not doing well, admit he needs help, to Farlan. There’s a part of him that’s always going to see Isabel as the small girl, scared and lonely, that she was when Levi met her in a foster home when he was eleven and she was nine, getting picked on by the bigger kids. Levi knows she can take care of herself, doesn’t doubt her strength, but he can’t help wanting to shield her from as much of his shit as he can. He remembers her face too, when she’d seen his back, seen his bruised face, the cut on his forehead.

“It’s okay,” Erwin says.

“It’s just – I’m used to telling him,” Levi says.

“I get it,” Erwin says. “It’s okay.”

But it’s not. Levi can tell looking at him that it’s not, that Erwin wants to know, that even if Erwin wouldn’t blame him for talking to Farlan instead, that he’s still upset about it, still hurt at least a little by it.

Levi looks away. He cards his fingers together in front of him.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Erwin says.

Levi finishes making tea. Erwin sips some with him. They don’t talk much, and Levi’s grateful. He relaxes a bit more as they just sit there.

“Do you want to go back to bed?” Erwin says when they’re done.

Levi looks at the clock. He only has another half hour before he has to be up anyway. He finds himself nodding though. “Yeah,” he says. So they lie down in bed, and Levi faces Erwin in bed, curls towards him, because even if he knows he won’t sleep, he wouldn’t mind the closeness for another half hour. So Levi lies there while Erwin falls back asleep, breathing deeply and trying to keep his spinning thoughts calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to get to Eren this chapter but instead this happened. 
> 
> (Also, was so excited to finally write a Hange and Levi interaction. The downside of having Farlan and Isabel (both of whom I love) is that Levi spends less time with Hange than in my other fics.)
> 
> That being said, the scene with Eren is written, so we should get to that next chapter! Also have a half-written conversation between Levi and Erwin, so if you were disappointed at the lack of Levi/Erwin comfort/progress in this chapter, it's on its way and should be in the next chapter.
> 
> I'd really like your thoughts on this one? Haven't done this type of spiraly thought writing really since halfway through Splinter, and the style here is a little different. I'm also not going as slowly as I do in Splinter and my other fics as far as backstory, so I'd love your thoughts on the pacing - we get a lot more info to Levi's past in this chapter and I went back and forth on whether it was too much at once or not. What do you guys think? Other pacing issues? Downward spiral too abrupt? Getting annoyed at the lack of real progress on the Eren/Lovof/Inner Sina plotline? (I swear I'm almost there.)
> 
> Would love your thoughts.


	7. Tequila and Gunshots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi cooks pasta. There is a party, sex, and nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter-ish chapter but the whole thing got too long so I decided to cut it in half. More coming soon.

Levi picks at a scab over his knuckle on his left hand. It flakes away to leave raw red skin, but at least it’s not bleeding.

“Don’t pick at it!” Isabel says, glaring at him across their kitchen table.

Levi clenches his hand to a fist. Isabel had been pushing lotion on him trying to get his hands to heal. He’s taken to using a lot of hand sanitizer in an effort to stop scrubbing too much, but so far it’s only managed to dry out his skin and leave him twitchy. It doesn’t satisfy the anxious voice in his head anywhere near as well as hand washing does. He picks at another scab, nail biting under the skin.

“Levi!”

“Aren’t you supposed to be studying?” Levi says.

“Aren’t you supposed to be leaving your hands alone?” she says.

Levi rubs his fingers over his knuckles again. His hands itch. He wants to rub the flaking skin off, wants to wash them again. He glances over at the sink. A tension rises up across his body – it feels both mental and physical, muscles seizing up, an uncomfortable tightness, a mounting pressure. He feels his heart start to pound as he resists the urge to move, to get up.

“Big bro.”

Levi looks back at Isabel. She frowns at him, pencil raised in one hand, elbow on the table.

Levi gets up from his chair. He could lie and say he’s fine, but she won’t believe him anyway. He’s sure Farlan already told her about the four a.m. call, considering she’d only sent him one text in the morning. Normally if he called her at night like that and she missed it, he’d get a barrage of text messages in the morning, asking what happened and if he was okay. But he hadn’t, which means Farlan told her.

Levi walks to their stove and sets a kettle on to make some more tea. He opens the fridge and looks inside. They have some eggs. A few slices of bread left over. A half empty tub of yogurt. There are frozen chicken tenders in the freezer. It’s Friday, and Farlan goes grocery shopping on Saturdays usually, so there’s not much left. Levi knows they have pasta in the cabinet, some soup cans too. Nothing looks appetizing. He closes the fridge again.

He thinks about what Farlan said, about eating and sleeping more, that maybe that would help. Levi lets out a breath and opens the cabinets, scans over those shelves too. He picks up the box of pasta.

“Making some pasta,” he says.

“Me too please,” Isabel says from the kitchen table.

“Mm,” Levi says. He sets a pot to boil water. He looks for any cans of sauce in the fridge or cabinets, but they don’t have any. Butter and salt it is.

_Maybe I should cook a vegetable_ , Levi thinks, as he looks for sauce. The sum total of their kitchen reveals that they have one can of peas and one bag of frozen broccoli. Levi decides they can go without the vegetable.

He sets the pasta aside. It’s about the extent of his cooking ability. Isabel is even worse than him. Farlan usually cooks.

“What time are we going?” Isabel says.

“When you finish studying.”

Isabel grumbles something at him.

Levi makes pasta and they eat. Afterwards he sits in the kitchen dutifully as Isabel tries on half a dozen outfits, emerging from her room to show Levi each one and get his opinion.

“You do realize we’re just going to Hange’s, right?” Levi says after the fourth rendition.

Isabel frowns at him. “That’s not the point,” she says. She gestures at herself. “So?”

“I like the white shirt better.”

“Hm,” Isabel says, and disappears into her room again. Levi wonders how much longer this is going to take and if they have any beer left in the fridge. When Isabel re-emerges, she’s wearing the previous top but now with a dark green jacket and a pair of heeled boots. Levi’s eyes widen.

“That’s my jacket,” Levi says. “I’ve been looking for that all week – why do you have my jacket?”

She looks down at herself, holding out the edges. “You always wear your leather jacket. You never wear this one.”

“I do when my brown one gets cut with blood stains all over it,” Levi says. He’d tried sewing the material, after it got ripped from that Maria asshole who jumped him, but he still hadn’t gotten all the bloodstains out.

“You should wear it anyway, makes you look edgy,” she says with a grin. “You could totally freak everyone out in your lectures.”

Levi sighs. “I want that jacket back, Isabel,” he says, “and stop stealing my shit.”

She looks down at herself again, smirking. “Looks better on me anyway.”

She entirely ignores his glare, skipping back into her room. Levi leans his elbow on the table and sighs, waiting. When she emerges again it’s with a different pair of shoes. Levi nearly groans.

“These ones or the ones before?” she says, pointing down at the white sneakers.

“The other ones, can we go now?” Levi says. “I mentioned it’s just Hange’s right? Are you planning on splitting and going to a bar or something?”

“Of course not,” she says.

“What, did Hange tell you someone who’s coming then?” Levi says, starting to smile. “Is it Gunther? Eld?”

She gives him a dirty look. “You’re projecting, big brother, tall blondes are your thing.” She looks back down at the shoes, turning her ankle.

“So it’s Gunther then?” Levi says, smirking now.

She gives him another glare, then looks him up and down. “You’re one to talk,” she says.

Levi looks down at himself. “This is how I always dress.”

She scoffs at him. “You’re wearing _the_ jeans.”

Levi looks back down at the dark wash jeans. They may be his best pair of jeans, and he doesn’t wear them all that often, but they’re still just jeans. “They’re just jeans, Isabel,” he says.

“You’re gonna wear your black boots too, aren’t you?”

“I wear those all the time,” he says.

“You’re wearing your black button-up.”

“I wear button-ups all the time,” he says. His clothes fall into two categories – button-ups (parties and work, sometimes classes) and T-shirts with hoodies (everything else).

“Yeah, but that one has more of a v-neck and you’ll roll the sleeves up to show off your arms.”

Okay, Levi might possibly do that sometimes. And he might possibly know just how good he looks in it.

“Just go pick your shoes,” Levi says, and Isabel laughs at him.

Levi and Isabel arrive at Hange’s early that night. Moblit and Nanaba are already there but the rest of the group is absent. Levi’s on the earlier side, which is unusual for him, but he had to take off work for his neuroscience exam so after stopping at the apartment and eating dinner, he and Isabel go over.

Hange answers the door when Levi knocks and nearly squeals when she sees them. “Isabel! I’m so glad you came!”

Isabel smiles brightly. It’s been a while since she’s come to one of their Friday night parties. Their group usually switch off between Erwin’s apartment and Hange’s. Levi comes if he’s not working. Erwin, Hange, Moblit, Mike, and Nanaba are always present. The rest cycle through.

“Hey Levi, Isabel!” Nanaba says from inside, over on the couch, a drink in her hands.

Isabel is sitting on the couch across from Nanaba a moment later, leaning forward, excitedly telling her about something in her class. Nanaba was also a biology major, and she’s helped Isabel a fair amount with some of her classes. While all the same age, unlike Erwin and Hange, Nanaba and Mike didn’t go into postgrad programs after graduating. They’re both working – Nanaba as a research assistant and Mike as a civil engineer.

Hange closes the door behind them and Levi turns to her. “What are you making for drinks, Four-Eyes?” he says.

Hange grins and turns into the kitchen to where she has a makeshift bar set up on the counter. “Vodka or Tequila?” she says.

“Tequila.”

“Oh, shots?” she says. He only ever asks for tequila when he wants to do shots.

“You have a lime?”

“What kind of bartender would I be if I didn’t have lime, Levi?” she says.

Levi watches Hange pull out shot glasses, each a different color and design – there’s one with their school logo, another with the name of her hometown, a couple of different countries. She starts cutting a lime into wedges afterwards.

“Does this mean the test went good or bad?” she says.

“What do you think?”

“I think you, Shorty, always say it went bad and then always do fine,” she says. She starts pouring the tequila into shot glasses, and, right on time, Isabel pops up behind him, nearly startling him.

“Tequila shots?” she says.

Levi shoves her half-heartedly. “No one asked you,” he says.

“Big bro, don’t be like that,” she says.

“Yeah, Levi, don’t be like that,” Hange says, snickering as she continues pouring down the line of shot glasses. “Help me carry them, Isabel,” she says.

Isabel gladly grabs up two of them while Levi snags his own. Hange gives one to Nanaba and Moblit each, then starts passing out salt and lime wedges, before going back over to Levi. She clinks her glass against his. “Cheers!” Hange says.

Levi raises his shot glass. They drink. It burns down his throat. Levi bites the lime wedge after – he never uses salt.

“Another?” Hange says to him, somehow with the bottle of tequila already in hand. Levi holds out his shot glass.

“You have Sprite?” he says after downing the second one, going to Hange’s fridge. She usually has some.

“Levi, why do you insist on drinking like a broke undergrad when you have slightly less broke postgrad friends?” she says.

Levi finds the bottle of sprite and takes it out. He helps himself to a glass from Hange’s cabinet, putting in a couple ice cubes and measuring out another two shots of tequila.

“I could make you a margarita, or a tequila sunrise,” she says.

Levi pours sprite into the glass. Hange sighs dramatically, then turns to look over her shoulder. “Isabel!” she says, “Want a tequila sunrise?”

“Sure,” she says.

Levi rolls his eyes as Hange looks back at him. “Your sister is more fun than you,” she says.

“Maybe you can deal with her drunk ass after you’re done feeding her tequila then,” Levi says.

“Nonsense, we know that’s Farlan’s job,” Hange says. “Speaking of –”

“On his way,” Levi says. “He’s picking up whiskey.”

“Moblit will be thrilled,” Hange says. “Did I tell you Eld is coming? Petra too.”

“As long as it’s not Oluo,” Levi says.

“Oh Oluo and Gunther are maybes,” Hange says. Levi groans. Oluo is on the hockey team, will be a sophomore this year. Eld and Gunther are also on the hockey team, Petra is on the women’s hockey team. Mike and Eld are friends, and the rest followed from there. “You know, I think Petra has a crush on you,” Hange says.

Levi’s eyes widen and he freezes in bringing his drink to his lips to turn and stare over at her. Hange grins.

“I’m gay,” he says.

“We’re all very aware of that, Pumpkin,” she says.

Levi scowls at her. “Petra knows I’m gay. She’s met Erwin. She knows we’re dating.”

“Maybe she’s holding out hope you’re bisexual,” Hange says.

“You’re delusional,” he says.

Sure enough, Petra and Oluo arrive together, and Eld followed by Gunther shortly after. Erwin and Mike come together, Farlan after them. Rico is the last of their group, and then Nifa, one of Isabel’s friends from soccer who apparently was extended an invitation, knocks so tentatively that no one hears her, and she ends up texting Isabel to make sure she has the right place.

It’s more people than are usually there and Levi finds himself getting a little on edge with all of it. Hange refills his drink. It’s loud. And crowded. Erwin sits next to Levi on the couch, talking with Eld and Nanaba while Levi only half pays attention. Levi can’t help feeling a tension between them, even as Erwin sits comfortably next to him, making no indication that anything is amiss.

They haven’t talked anymore about two nights ago, when Levi woke with his nightmare. Levi hasn’t seen Erwin much since then though, so it’s not like they’d had an opportunity, even if Erwin wanted to bring it up. Levi’s still feeling guilty, and Farlan and Isabel have been walking eggshells around him the last two days, which is only making things worse. It’s been a while since he’s woken or called one of them in the middle of the night like that.

His skin is itching and the noise and bodies all around him are keeping him overly alert and Erwin sitting next to him like he hadn’t fished Levi out of the shower two nights ago is a tension he’s eager to get some relief from. Levi takes another long drink. His head is starting to get a little hazy, everything softening around the edges. If he wants to be drunk, he’ll need to drink more though. He's always had a high alcohol tolerance.

It’s not long before Mike and Eld start rolling joints on the coffee table and then a group goes outside to smoke in the parking lot. Levi watches them go.

“Levi?” Gunther says, on his way out.

Levi shakes his head. “Don’t smoke.” He’ll do edibles, but he’s only ever smoked when he’s very, very drunk or already high.

“You mind if I leave you?” Erwin says, turning to him.

“Go for it,” Levi says. Erwin smiles at him before leaving, and it just makes Levi’s stomach clench up some more.

It’s suddenly much quieter, most of the people leaving the apartment. Isabel and Nifa remain talking together in one corner. Moblit walks into the bathroom. Levi gets up from his spot on the couch to walk into the kitchen.

He grimaces at the state of Hange’s kitchen. He wets a paper towel and fishes out a sponge from her sink, then starts wiping down the surfaces, lifting bottles out of his way and dumping cups into the sink. He locates the whiskey Farlan bought and pours himself a shot. He chokes it down with a grimace. Whiskey is really not his thing, but Levi feels bad enough about drinking all of Hange’s liquor. He cleans while he drinks more of his sprite and tequila, moving on to washing the dishes in the sink after he’s done cleaning the countertops and table.

He hears someone come up behind him, but he’s still surprised when Hange’s hand lands on his shoulder, her face near his ear. “Levi, whata ya doing? Party’s not over, it’s not clean up time yet,” she says.

“Aren’t you supposed to be down with the other stoners?” Levi says, still washing a glass.

Hange laughs. “Moblit and I shared an edible earlier.”

Levi finishes his drink before he finishes washing the dishes. “And you didn’t save me one?” he says. He stops to pour himself another. He’s drunk, but he wants to be drunker. The more he drinks and the more his thoughts start to go soft around the edges and his body relaxes, the more he wants the feeling to deepen.

“I’ll pick you up some next time,” Hange says. “I was going to go down anyway though. You should come, Levi.”

Levi shakes his head. He watches his own hands, the water pouring over his skin, the yellow sponge between his fingers and against the glasses. He finds it soothing, and he turns his hands over under the water, watching it fall over his fingers. _Guess the alcohol’s finally working_ , he thinks.

“Oh come on, just this once,” Hange says, “you don’t have to smoke, just come down with me.”

“Smells like cigarettes down there,” Levi says.

“They won’t be smoking cigarettes.”

Levi shuts off the water, shakes out his hands. He picks up his cup again, takes a long sip while looking into the clean sink. His shoulders relax a little.

_One more_ , he thinks, and goes back to the bottle of whiskey, pours another shot. He holds the bottle up to Hange without looking up at her. She slides a shot glass across the counter to him and he pours her one too.

They clink glasses. Levi chases it with his sprite and tequila. When Levi looks up, Hange is staring at him. Not her usual calculated, thoughtful look, but a wide-eyed amused surprise. She breaks out in a grin.

It takes a bit for it to catch up with him, but by the time everyone else comes back from smoking outside, Levi is sitting on the couch next to Hange with a dopey grin on his face as she laughs and rambles at him. She pokes his shoulder, and he flicks her forehead.

They stay late, later than usual, as the party seems to keep momentum with the larger group than normal. By the time Erwin’s asking Levi if he’s ready to go, Levi’s not as drunk as he was earlier. He’d slowed down the last couple hours. Erwin calls an Uber and they ride back to Erwin’s apartment.

Levi gets a new burst of energy once they’re there. His previous tension and hesitation from earlier in the night are gone, his head just the right amount of fuzzy, relaxed and enjoying himself. He pulls Erwin down for a kiss the second they’re in his apartment, then all but drags him into the bedroom. He straddles Erwin on the bed, kissing him, before looking up. Erwin’s face is flushed, hair messed up and pupils wide, and it’s enough to send a shot of arousal through Levi’s body. He starts undoing the buttons on Erwin’s shirt, can’t wait to get his own shirt off as he starts heating up. Levi’s been so busy and stressed that it seems like they haven't had sex in way too long, and Levi’s suddenly very impatient.

They get rid of their shirts, their pants. Levi rolls his hips down against Erwin and Erwin groans, before flipping them, so Levi’s on his back. Levi sucks in a breath, sucks in another when Erwin kisses his neck, one hand splaying out over his chest.

“I want you to tie me up,” Levi says, voice low, right next to Erwin’s ear.

Erwin kisses his lips again, then leans up. “You’re drunk,” he says.

“I’m buzzed,” Levi says, fisting one hand in Erwin’s hair, chasing his lips again. “Come on,” Levi says. “Please, Erwin.”

He wants to have a normal night. He wants to do something normal, something fun, something that’s not just him dumping all his shit on Erwin. And there’s a part that wants to remind Erwin, remind himself of it too.

Erwin leans up again, and with a dead serious look on his face, says, “Can you say your abc’s backwards?”

Levi’s mouth opens, and then he pushes Erwin’s face away with his hand as Erwin starts to laugh. “Oh, fuck off,” Levi says.

Erwin comes back to kiss his jaw and Levi’s hand once against twists in his hair, shifting to grind his hips upwards. He feels one of Erwin’s hands take his other wrist, pressing it above his head, back into the bed. It makes Levi shudder, body relaxing and tensing at the same time. And then Erwin pinches his wrist.

“Ow, what the fuck?” Levi says, jerking away.

Erwin snickers. “Making sure you can feel it,” he says, getting up off of Levi. Levi leans up on his elbows. “In case the rope pinches.”

“It never pinches,” Levi says, but he doesn’t complain any more, lest Erwin change his mind. He watches as Erwin gets a soft, thick rope out of a box in his closet. He straddles Levi once again, and Levi’s breathing goes heavy as Erwin manipulates his wrists, wrapping rope around them and tying him to the bedframe. He pulls at them a little afterwards. “No pinching, no numbness,” Levi says before Erwin can ask. “Red, yellow, green” he says when Erwin opens his mouth.

Erwin goes back to kissing his jaw, going up behind his ear. His fingers trail over Levi’s chest while his other hand goes down, lower, playing at the waistband of his boxers. “Are you going to be a good boy, Levi?” Erwin says.

Levi swallows. “Yes,” he says.

He’s not usually. He is, in general, a very defiant sub. He finds it hard to let go, and he likes playing the disobedient, unruly sub anyway. But he’s relaxed from the alcohol and a little too desperate and a little too eager tonight.

Erwin’s hand slides over his boxers, palms at him through the material. Levi thrusts his hips upwards and Erwin grabs him through the fabric hard enough to make Levi wince.

“No,” Erwin says, voice hard. Levi’s hips go still, and Erwin lets go, letting Levi relax. He palms gently at him again and this time Levi bites his lip and keeps still. Erwin keeps palming at him as his kisses trail lower, until he starts sucking on one of Levi’s nipples.

Levi gasps. He pulls at his wrists. His cock aches and he wants so badly to touch himself, for Erwin to touch him, to rut up against the friction of his gentle palming. “Erwin,” he says. “Erwin, please.”

“You’re being so good tonight,” Erwin says, lips curving in a smile as he talks into Levi’s skin, eyes glancing up to meet his. “You never start pleading this quickly.”

Levi scowls in answer. “Fuck you,” he says.

“And there it is,” Erwin says. He pinches Levi’s nipple and Levi flinches.

Erwin keeps pinching and rubbing and nipping at his nipples and chest until Levi’s panting, squirming away, his cock hard with only the occasional rough grope from Erwin.

“I could watch you like this all night,” Erwin says. A flush of heat goes down Levi’s chest. Erwin rubs one finger idly and lightly around a nipple. Even that has Levi flinching now, cringing away from the oversensitivity, his nipples already sore and red. “Poor boy, are they getting sensitive now?” Erwin says.

Levi bars his teeth but says nothing this time, leveling Erwin with a glare, or as much of one as he can give. Erwin laughs lightly. “You look adorable, darling.”

“Fuck off,” Levi says, because he really does not know how to keep his mouth shut, especially not when Erwin is _baiting_ him. “You ever gonna touch my dick, Eyebrows?”

He knows Erwin won’t do anything too intense when they’ve been drinking, even if they’re not drunk, and it might be making him a little more bold than usual. He’s probably going to pay for this next time.

One of Erwin’s eyebrows quirks up, but a predatory smile goes over his face. “You know, I do think it’s about that time.”

For the next fifteen minutes, Erwin jerks Levi off, only to slap or pinch his cock every time he gets close. By the time Erwin finally jerks them both off and lets him come, Levi is about ready to scream. It is absolutely everything Levi wanted.

He lies on the bed with his body relaxing into the mattress afterwards, suddenly exhausted and almost falling asleep. Erwin unties him and Levi lets him rub some lotion into his wrists, lets Erwin shepherd him into the shower. He even lets Erwin coax some juice into him afterwards, before they curl up on the bed. Levi falls asleep quickly for once.

He wakes up approximately five hours later, covered in sweat, jerking awake with the sound of a gunshot in his ears.

Levi’s heart hammers against his chest, almost painful, the feeling visceral, and he’s breathing like he’s been sprinting a mile. He looks around the room sharply, but even as he recognizes Erwin’s bedroom in the dim lighting, his body can’t seem to catch up. Instead of relaxing he keeps right on hyperventilating, terror still front and center, unable to stop.

“Levi?”

Levi flinches at the noise, the movement next to him, as he realizes Erwin’s already sat up, already looking over at him with sleepy but concerned eyes. He reaches out to touch Levi’s arm as Levi’s hands start shaking.

“Hey,” Erwin says, gently running his fingers down Levi’s skin, brow furrowing.

Levi gasps, trying to calm his breath. It hits him all at once how light-headed he is. It feels like he can’t get enough air. He knows he needs to slow down his breathing but his entire body is telling him he’s suffocating, is trying to pull air in as fast as possible. His chest aches as his heart pounds.

“It’s okay,” Erwin says. “It was a nightmare.” His hand meets Levi’s, entwining their fingers, and Levi grips down, still shaking. Erwin turns more fully towards him, his other hand coming up to his shoulder.

“Can’t breathe,” Levi says, gasping.

“You’re breathing,” Erwin says. “You need to slow down a little, okay?”

Levi only remembers the dream in fractured pieces – Lovof and the gun, but he wasn’t in that warehouse basement, he was in his own apartment. He dreamt Lovof shot him in the leg, and he swore he felt the pain. But the images fade fast, and really what Levi’s left with is the feeling of the dream, of the overwhelming terror rather than the particulars of how it was brought about.

Levi tries to slow his breathing, but his breath stutters anyway, and he knows he needs to slow down, but when he tries it feels like he’s suffocating, feels like he’s drowning, and he can’t do it. He gives up and pulls fast breaths in again. His vision starts blacking out around the edges and Levi feels like his heart is literally about to break a rib, he can feel it beating so hard.

“Slower,” Erwin says. “Deeper breaths. It’ll feel better. You’re alright.”

“Can’t,” Levi says. He can’t breathe. He grabs at his chest as his hands start trembling enough that the one in Erwin’s is shaking Erwin’s hand too. “I can’t,” he says, his voice cracking and going up in pitch as a new surge of fear washes over him because he _can’t_ get it under control, he can’t slow it down, he can’t make it stop – he needs it to stop. The helplessness is overwhelming.

“You can do it, you’re okay,” Erwin says, shifting even more, kneeling in front of him. Levi stares down at his legs.

“I can’t breathe,” he gets out, his voice wobbling, going wet as his vision gets worse, going spotty and dark at the edges. His throat feels like it’s closing up.

“Levi, you’re breathing fine,” Erwin says, a little firmer, steady. “It’s just a panic attack. You’re okay. Try to take a bit deeper breaths. You’re alright. Everything’s okay.”

Levi tries again, tries to take a longer inhale, tries to go slower as he exhales. He’s so dizzy. His chest aches.

“That’s good,” Erwin says. “That’s good, Levi, one more time.”

Levi’s breath stutters. He manages one more, gasping at the end. Slowly, he’s able to even out his breathing, and his heart stops pounding so hard, and his vision returns to normal. It takes a while, a while of sitting there, letting Erwin talk him through it, feeling like he’s going to cry, or scream, from the panic thrumming through his skin, from the deep desperation to make it end.

His hands are still trembling even when his breathing has more or less gone steady again, even when the panic has faded and he’s left simply exhausted and shaky, when Erwin smooths a gentle hand over his shoulder blades. “Come here,” he says.

Levi lets Erwin pull him forward and down, arms wrapped around him. Levi breathes deeply as he settles his head over Erwin’s chest, one arm curled over his chest as well, lying on his side.

“You’re okay,” Erwin says gently, softly, as he cards his fingers through Levi’s hair.

“Fuck,” Levi says. His voice sounds rough. He feels hollowed out, off-center. He can’t remember the last time he had a panic attack that bad. He doesn’t get them often, not like that.

“You’re okay,” Erwin says again.

Levi breathes in deeply. He feels his heartrate slow some more, feels the rise and fall of Erwin’s chest under his head. Erwin keeps carding his fingers through Levi’s hair and Levi lets himself focus on the soothing sensation.

“Do you need anything?” Erwin says after a minute. “I could make some tea, or get you some more juice.”

Levi shakes his head. He doesn’t want to move.

“What was the nightmare about?” Erwin says.

Levi curls his fingers a little against Erwin’s skin. Not digging in or scratching, just bending a little, tiny points of pressure. “Got shot,” he says.

Erwin kisses the top of his head. Levi relaxes a little more. “That sounds pretty terrible,” Erwin says.

“I don’t know why it was so bad,” Levi says though, voice quiet, thin. He’s surprised, and confused. He doesn’t know why this one scared him so much, left him in such a panic. He’s had worse dreams. Even then, they didn’t usually result in panic attacks. They more often leave him feeling sick, upset. Anxious sure, but not hyperventilating until he nearly passes out.

“Getting shot sounds plenty terrifying,” Erwin says.

“I’ve had worse dreams,” Levi says. “I don’t get like that.”

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to take your pill?” Erwin says.

“No,” Levi says. The medication lasts for up to eight hours, and it’s already early morning. It would help him calm down some more and let him sleep, but he has too much shit to do today.

“Do you want to try to sleep?” Erwin says. “Or we can get up. I’ll make some breakfast.”

“Sleep,” Levi says, even though he knows he won’t be able to. He just wants to stay in bed a little longer.

Erwin kisses his head again. “Okay,” he says, and Levi’s got a bad feeling that Erwin understands precisely how he won’t really sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I promised Eren but I wound up pushing him to the next chapter. Same with a more in-depth discussion with Erwin. More soon.
> 
> I'm thinking about creating a couple of prequels - possibly Levi, Furlan, and Isabel's high school years, and then when Levi and Erwin got together. Thoughts? Would anyone be interested in that? 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading.


	8. Child Delinquents and Chicken with Spinach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Erwin and Levi finally have a real conversation. Also we meet Eren.

Saturday, 5:30, a cheap restaurant on the south side. Levi walks in right on time to see Eren Yeager and Mikasa Ackerman already in a booth.

Levi has felt shitty all day, is exhausted after staying up all night and then waking up early from the nightmare, is still feeling off from it. He’s in a piss poor mood and he cannot wait to get this whole fucking thing over with. Any part of him that was curious about the whole thing, that was at least partly anticipatory about finally meeting the surprisingly allusive Jeager, has been thoroughly placed on the back burner. He wants to be done with this whole thing. And maybe then he’ll stop having nightmares about Lovof and be able to get on with his life.

They’re arguing about something and don’t see him right away. Eren’s eyes are bright, eyebrows slanted down, gesturing with his whole arm. He’s slouched in the seat, elbow on the table, and he’s wearing jeans and a sweatshirt with a stain on it. Levi’s eyes flick over him. A bruise on his jaw and a cut over his left eye, scraped knuckles. His hair is a mess.

Mikasa sees him first. Levi meets her gaze, which is blank with a hard edge. Eren glances up a moment later. Their eyes lock as Levi reaches the booth and slides in opposite them. Eren’s gaze is intent, like Levi has his complete attention, and there’s a mix of emotions crossing his face – suspicion and intensity, but he’s looking almost wide-eyed.

“Thought you hadn’t seen Eren in weeks, Mikasa,” Levi says.

Mikasa stares blankly at him.

Levi glances down at the cushioned booth he’s sitting in and resists the urge to cringe. His eyes flick to the table next, which has a couple of crumbs to one side and a couple watermark rings that look like they might be sticky. Levi puts his hands in his lap to avoid touching anything.

“You’re Levi Ackerman,” Eren says, eyes wide, making him look younger than he is. It’s such a weird look to have staring back at him, so much that Levi is a little affronted, surprised at the sudden rapture and interest in Eren’s expression, aimed right at him. “Your uncle Kenny Ackerman worked for Uri Reiss,” Eren says.

Levi had expected Eren to open with a line about how he wasn’t going back, how he didn’t need his parents, how nothing Levi said could change his mind – he was not expecting Eren to jump into his family history. Levi’s brow furrows but he looks back at Eren. “You really don’t do small talk, do you?”

Eren frowns at him, and some of that initial almost shocked awe fades from his eyes, replaced by an almost aggressive forwardness. “Marco said you worked for Lovof. Does that mean you worked against the Reiss’s and Kenny?”

Levi tenses a little. “You gonna tell me why the fuck you need to know?”

Maybe he shouldn’t be surprised by this, considering Levi knew Eren was getting himself mixed up in everything, but not one whole minute into meeting Eren and Levi’s already getting a headache.

Mikasa glances at Eren, but just then a waitress comes over with food. She places plates of fries and a burger in front of both Eren and Mikasa, then asks Levi what he wants.

“I’ll get the same. And water,” Levi says.

Eren starts shoveling in food. Levi wonders if Eren’s low on cash, wonders if he’s working somewhere or for someone. He hasn’t used his debit card or made any cash withdrawals from his bank account, Levi knows. But he’d taken five hundred out of it before running away.

Eren looks back up at him, pausing. He meets Levi’s gaze, his eyes narrow, and suddenly his expression is all intensity and determination. “My dad murdered the Reiss family, and I’m going to prove it.”

_What the fuck?_

“What?” Levi says.

“You need like a couple pictures of me or something, right? To prove to my parents that you found me, so you can get paid?” Eren says, the look slipping again as he takes another large bite of his burger. “And where I’ve been and stuff? I’ll tell you if you’ll tell me everything you know about the Reiss family.”

“Where the fuck did you get the idea that your father murdered six people?” Levi says. Why the fuck would Eren think that? His father was a doctor in Shiganshina.

“He did,” Eren says. “I know he did.”

“Yeah, okay,” Levi says. “Why do you think that?”

Eren holds up a hand and starts listing off with his fingers. “He has a secret son heading the Titans, he was stealing drugs from the hospital he works at, there’s a secret lab in our basement, his previous wife was _murdered_ , and I heard him talking about Frieda Reiss.”

_Sweet Jesus_. Levi stares at him. _I need to do some research_ , he thinks. He needs to look up hospital records and get a look at that basement – he wonders if the Jeager’s have an alarm system on their house. Crime records too, to find that wife –

_That’s not part of the case_ , Levi thinks. That’s not his job. Still.

“What the fuck,” Levi says. He can’t help it.

“Eren,” Mikasa says, glaring at him.

“What?” Eren says, still eating as if he hasn’t just casually accused his father of mass murder ( _does six people count as mass murder?_ ) in the middle of eating dinner with a stranger hired to track him down.

“You can’t go telling this to everyone you meet,” she says.

Eren stares back at Mikasa. “He’s Levi Ackerman.”

“He’s an investigator hired to find you _by your father_ ,” Mikasa says.

Levi knows that plenty of people know his name, but the weird almost admiration, or at least respect, that Eren is giving him is kind of freaking him out. He never had a big reputation beyond Kenny’s kid, or for a while, one of Lovof’s runners. He was known as a pretty good fighter, but that was it. He doesn’t know where Eren’s insistence is coming from.

Eren shrugs. “Go ahead and tell him,” Eren says, though he’s still looking at Mikasa. “I don’t care.” He looks back at Levi. “So what do you know about the Reiss family? Did you see them when you worked for Lovof?”

“What did you hear him say about Frieda Reiss?” Levi says. “And what do you mean there’s a secret lab in your basement? You think he was making drugs there or something?”

“He just heard him say her name,” Mikasa says. “That’s it.”

Eren glares at her again. “He sounded suspicious. He was on the phone.”

“And the basement?” Levi says.

“Yeah,” Eren says. “We found a cabinet full of drugs from the hospital, and a book of records, of types and amounts.”

“So you found hard evidence that your father is committing medical malpractice and your response was to run away instead of, say, calling the police?” Levi says. “If you’re so intent on getting him arrested?”

“Mikasa took pictures, in case he gets rid of it,” Eren says, pointing at her. “And I want him arrested for murder, not malpractice.”

“What makes you think you can figure this out?” Levi says. “It’s not your job – you –”

“We tried the police,” Eren says. “But they didn’t do anything.”

“Maybe –”

“Armin even called the Feds, they don’t believe us,” Eren says.

“Did you mention the whole stash of drugs in the basement part?” Levi says.

“No, then they’d go after him for that and not the _murder_ ,” Eren says, as if this is very obvious information. And then he looks down. “And uh, we don’t want to get Armin in trouble.”

Right, their friend running books for the Titans. “How the fuck did he wind up working for Zeke?” Levi says.

“We found Zeke’s name in the basement,” Eren says. He picks up a french-fry, looking down at his plate.

“And does he know how incredibly dangerous and stupid that is?” Levi says. “Do you know how incredibly dangerous and stupid all of this is?”

“We know what we’re doing,” Mikasa says.

Levi laughs at that. It is actually genuinely funny. “You have no idea what you’re doing.”

“Armin’s grandpa is sick,” Eren says. “And he has to go to college. He needs the money. It’s only temporary.”

“Temporary my ass,” Levi says. “Once you get sucked in there’s no getting out. Get Armin to quit and call in your dad for stealing from the hospital – maybe they’ll take your murder claim seriously then. But you need to cut this shit out. You’re going to get yourself killed.”

Eren’s eyes narrow again. “I’m going to prove it,” he says. “I _will_.”

Levi sighs, nearly groans. And who would have known, that he’d be trying to warn off child delinquents? If you’d told him he’d be sitting there trying to convince kids not to fuck around with gangs five years ago he would have laughed. _Look at me, upstanding citizen_ , Levi thinks. _Trying to help out the directionless youth_. “What’s your motive then?” Levi says.

Eren shrugs. “Maybe they threatened him. Maybe he wants to cut out the middle man. Maybe he’s teaming up with Zeke now.” Eren wipes his hand on a napkin. “Okay, I answered your questions, now answer mine.”

“Oh no, that was just me being shocked by your stupidity,” Levi says, “that was not questions for my job.”

Eren makes an annoyed noise and waves his hand. “Fine, what are your questions for your job.”

“Where are you staying?”

“No. They’ll try to pick me up.”

“You want to know what I know about Reiss or not?”

“I’m staying with _friends_ ,” Eren says.

“With Jean?” Levi tries.

Eren makes a face. “With Horseface? No.”

Levi tries a few more questions but Eren gives him little to work with. Honestly, Levi doesn’t care that much anymore. He’ll take a couple pictures to prove that he met with him. If the parents really want an address then Levi or Flagon will trail Mikasa until she meets with him.

“Alright, now what do you know about the Reiss family?” Eren says.

Levi shrugs. “Not much,” he says. “My uncle worked for Uri. When he died, my uncle took off.” It was a few weeks after he’d turned eighteen – Kenny had at least waited until then, until after he was legally an adult. Uri died two months earlier.

Levi doesn’t really have any good information for Eren, or that would help Levi make sense of what Eren’s told him. Sure, the Reiss’s ran a lot of drugs. They also moved weapons. They had claws in several politicians at local and state level. Officially they owned a casino. They were part of a larger crime syndicate, Inner Sina, and worked with Lovof among others, though it was always a tenuous relationship.

“So you really need to get the fuck out of this,” Levi says once he’s finished.

“Not until I prove it,” Eren says.

Levi sighs. “Look brat, I lost a package of drugs for Lovof and he broke my arm and almost shot me in the head. What the fuck do you think’s going to happen to you if you keep fucking around with all of this?”

“I’m not running drugs,” Eren says.

“That was not the point.”

“We’ll be fine,” Mikasa says. She pulls out a wallet and puts cash on the table. “We’re leaving now.”

“I’m still finishing my fries,” Eren says.

“We’re leaving,” Mikasa says, pushing him.

“Mikasa,” Eren says, but she grabs his arm and starts pulling him with her. He slides from the booth. “I hope my dad is paying you well.”

“No one’s going to rescue you when you get fucked,” Levi says.

“I’ll see you around,” Eren says.

Mikasa watches him from the side while they leave, and Levi looks back until they walk out the door.

Erwin tries to remember how Levi had acted the previous winter and spring, when college was in session, before it ended for the summer. Erwin and Levi met through Hange, about a year ago now. Erwin doesn’t actually remember much about their first meeting – it was only in passing, Levi and Hange walking together when Erwin approached them. Hange briefly introduced them, Erwin asked a question, and then he was on his way. He remembers briefly thinking that Levi was attractive, and getting the impression that he wasn’t particularly friendly, and that was it.

After that, Erwin continued seeing Levi sporadically around Hange, and it was pretty clear to Erwin that Levi didn’t like him. Erwin didn’t really know why, except for the fact that Levi seemed to not like most people. He’d asked Levi about it after they started hooking up, and Levi had snorted.

“You’ve seen yourself, right? Tall blonde lawyer-to-be who everyone is tripping over to be around, and what’s worse, you were _nice_ too. You pissed me off,” Levi said.

They got to know each other slowly over the course of many short meetings and a few crowded parties. Erwin found he rather liked Levi, with all his blunt sarcasm and biting threats. He was interesting, and entertaining to tease, really. They were at a party the first time they hooked up – or rather, the first time they decided to. They went back to Erwin’s. That was second semester of the previous year, winter though – Levi was still playing hockey. They kept hooking up sporadically and then more regularly for the entire semester. They still hadn’t really spent a lot of time with each other until the summer though.

So Erwin remembers Levi seeming stressed, of coming over sometimes when he was especially agitated with the goal of stress relief. He remembers Levi complaining about classes and work some. But Erwin does not remember Levi ever acting like he has been this past month or two.

It’s little things and yet everything. Levi’s knuckles never seem to completely heal. He wakes up at three or four a.m. and never goes back to sleep. He’s clearly lost weight. He’s more jumpy, flinches from people getting too close, jerks at loud noises. He doesn’t tease Erwin nearly as much. It even seems like he’s moving and talking slower sometimes.

And Erwin tries to remember if Levi did these things last year, when they were still in school. Because Erwin can see how it might have just faded over the summer, when they’d really started spending more time together, when they started dating – how since Levi didn’t have school or hockey he would have been less stressed during summer. So maybe this was normal for Levi, during the school year. Maybe Erwin just hadn’t noticed.

Of course, Erwin definitely would have noticed if Levi’s knuckles were scraped raw every time he saw him. And Levi spent a good number of nights at his place, slept in his bed. Erwin almost always wakes up when Levi leaves the bed – he’s a light sleeper – so he knows Levi wasn’t getting up in the middle of the night very often. He’d certainly looked healthier, though Erwin supposes they hadn’t been eating together often, and he might not have noticed if he’d weighed less. He hadn’t flinched as much.

And then of course there was the other night, the nightmare that led to a panic attack. And there was also the nightmare that led to Levi staying in the shower so long that Erwin went to check on him, only to find him hyperventilating under the spray, only for him to get up out of bed a second time, lock himself away in the bathroom. The more Erwin thinks about it all, the more worried he gets. The more he thinks about the differences, between Levi the past two months and Levi over the summer and the previous school year.

“You should just ask him about it,” Mike says, flipping pancakes on the stove.

“You know him – he’ll brush it off,” Erwin says. He leans his elbows down on the kitchen bar, sighing. “I think something’s wrong.”

“You should ask him about it,” Mike says. He cracks an egg into another skillet.

“I’ve only really thought about it recently,” Erwin says, and then pauses. “Or no, I guess I’ve only really been bothered by it recently, that there’s so much that I don’t know about him.”

“You sound like a teen romance novel,” Mike says.

“Well I don’t mean his personality or his favorite color or his mother’s name or something, I mean I didn’t know he had a prescription for a sedative – I didn’t know he’s afraid of doctor’s so much that he would need one. And he had a nightmare the other day and practically ran from the room. I mean, you should have seen him, after he washed his hands too much – he wouldn’t even look at me, Mike. He didn’t want me to know.”

Mike deposits a pancake onto a plate, and then pours some more batter into the pan. He pauses once he’s done to turn towards Erwin. “You knew he was like this when you started dating,” Mike says. “He’s one of the most closed off bastards I’ve ever met.”

“Well, maybe I just thought that by now he’d have opened up a bit more,” Erwin says.

“Did you really think that, or did you just not realize how much baggage he has?” Mike says.

“It’s not _baggage_ ,” Erwin says, bristling. “It’s –”

“You can call it whatever you want, but now I have to do dishes before I leave the –”

“That is –”

“I’m not bashing him, Erwin,” Mike says, flipping the other pancake. “I’m saying you need to stop pretending these are _quirks_.”

“I don’t –”

“You think his cleaning is _endearing_ , Erwin. It’s not endearing. It’s an illness.”

Erwin goes silent. He’s standing up straight now, very still, looking at Mike, who is still cooking pancakes and eggs, looking down at the stove instead of over at him. A chill goes down his back, at the back of his neck.

He does find Levi’s cleaning endearing – he’d said it so himself once to Mike. Erwin’s always known it was probably OCD, and he’d guessed at the hand washing, but he hadn’t really thought about it – about how Levi rearranging their silverware and plates and cups in the cabinet or him sniping at Erwin to line his shoes up at the entryway or how he folded his clothes with a military perfection were also part of his OCD. And Erwin realizes that Mike is right – that Erwin has always seen those things as benign, endearing idiosyncrasies, rather than a part of a serious illness. He’d seen these things as separate from his severe symptoms, as almost unrelated to the bleeding hands and frantic scrubbing.

Mike puts a plate of pancakes and eggs in front of him, while Erwin stares down at the counter. Mike starts cutting up his own food.

_What else have I just written off?_ Erwin thinks.

“Eggs will go cold,” Mike says.

Erwin picks up the knife and fork slowly. He begins cutting a square on autopilot. He takes a bite of pancake.

“He’s seemed worse lately,” Erwin says. His tone is quiet now.

“You should ask him about it,” Mike says.

Levi writes up a report, attaches the pictures, and sends it off to Pyxis.

That should be the end of it. Levi’s done his job, found the kid, gave the info over. Levi informs Pyxis about Eren’s accusations, but Pyxis doesn’t seem at all concerned by it. Not their business. And anyway, it’s not like Eren gave him a lot of solid proof for murder. He could easily be lying about the drugs, though Levi doesn’t think he is. He hadn’t struck Levi as a very good liar, had seemed annoyingly candid actually.

Levi leaves out the part about Armin running books for the Titans. He doesn’t really get the impression that Pyxis would care about that either – he’s never seemed to care much about Levi’s own past, of the bits and pieces that he’s picked up on – but it’s also not really all that relevant to Eren’s whereabouts, and despite the idiocy, Levi doesn’t really want to get him arrested either.

Levi stays at his own apartment Saturday night, finishing up his report. He thought he’d feel better once it was done, once he’d submitted it off to Pyxis, but he finds that he doesn’t. He mostly just feels tired.

He does laundry Sunday morning and then takes out his laptop and books after getting back to their apartment and putting away the clothes. He’s planning on going to Erwin’s later that night. He wants to get his homework done before then so he can just relax for the evening.

Farlan gets back from grocery shopping just as Levi sits down. “Hey, did you transfer the money to Isabel’s account last week?”

Levi looks up. “Yeah,” he says. “Of course. Why?”

Levi always transfers money to Isabel’s account at the beginning of the month, so she can pay her tuition. They each have automatic payment plans – the money comes out each month for their tuition payments. But Isabel’s not making a lot of money right now, so Levi’s been transferring money to her account.

Levi takes care of the bills. He has the passwords and logins to all three of their accounts. He tends to have the most money, even when it’s not soccer season, partly because he works for Pyxis and Pyxis pays more, and partly because he has a full scholarship while Farlan and Isabel have partial scholarships. So rent, electric, and wifi all come out of his account each month. He transfers money into his own account from Farlan’s whenever he doesn’t have enough, and similarly transfers money from Farlan’s into Isabel’s when she can’t cover her tuition.

“Her account is overdrawn, she got an email,” Farlan says.

“What?” Levi says, eyes widening. He immediately goes to his laptop to bring up her account. “I put that transfer through,” Levi says. He types in the password and sure enough, Isabel has a negative balance. “What the fuck?” Levi says. He skims through her transactions, but there’s nothing unusual. Ten dollars at the campus café, fifteen at the drugstore down the street, a few other small purchases. None of them spend money frivolously.

He closes out the tab to login to Farlan’s account. He sees the transfer out. So the money definitely got sent.

“It’s not here,” Levi says.

Farlan leans over his shoulder, looking at the screen. He frowns as Levi quickly closes that tab as well, his shoulders tensing up as he feels a faint panic start up. He goes to his own login last and opens up the page. A rush of relief goes through his body when he sees the missing money there in his account. And then immediately afterwards he groans, hanging his head down.

“Sent it to the wrong fucking account,” Levi says.

“Shit,” Farlan says. “Well, just transfer it now, Isabel can go down to the financial aid office tomorrow to make sure it’s all paid for this month.”

“Fuck,” Levi says, clicking away at the computer to transfer the money into Isabel’s account instead. “I knew we should have just set up the joint account,” he says.

“This is easier for school,” Farlan says. His eyes stay on the screen as Levi puts the transfer through. “What’s the overdraft fee?”

Levi once again switches over to Isabel’s account. The transfer will take a couple days most likely. “Remind her to let financial aid know it could be a day or two,” Levi says.

“Do we have enough left in my account to write a check if we have to?” Farlan says. “If they need it sooner?”

“No, we’d have to take some from mine,” Levi says. “But that’s fine, we can just write two checks. We have plenty of time to move it around again before rent is due.”

“And the overdraft fee?” Farlan says.

Levi scans through a notice on her account. “Forty bucks,” he says.

“Oh that’s not so bad,” Farlan says, relaxing behind him.

Levi grimaces though. “It’s still not good,” he says. Forty dollars is over half their grocery bill. It’s what they spend in two weeks on coffee and tea on campus. About the price of Isabel’s new cleats. It’s six hours of Isabel’s shitty minimum wage job. Four and a half hours of Farlan’s slightly better job. Levi stares at the screen as his stomach sinks and he feels heat prickle across his skin. He can’t believe he fucked up something so simple.

Farlan’s hand comes down heavy on Levi’s shoulder. He gives it a squeeze. “Relax,” he says. “We’ll skip takeout this week. Not a big deal.”

But it is a big deal, because they always get takeout once a week, usually on Monday or Tuesday, and it’s Farlan’s turn to choose this week, and it’s Levi’s fault that they won’t get to.

“I’ll ask Pyxis for a few more hours this week,” Levi says. He starts hockey tomorrow, but he’s sure he can fit more in next weekend, maybe a couple hours here and there during the daytime, if he can do it without going into the office or traveling anywhere.

“You are already keeping way too many hours,” Farlan says. “It’s fine, Levi. It’s not that much money. We’re fine.”

And Levi, logically, knows that while their budget is very tight, forty dollars is not make or break it for them, not right now. But it still sucks, and it’s not meaningless to them. Levi keeps a very careful budget, all three of them have very set amounts of pocket money every month, and forty dollars has to come out of somewhere. They have very little in terms of savings to absorb unexpected costs. Levi’s run through the math a half dozen times in the past couple weeks already, making sure they have enough to get through this month, when all three of them will be playing sports and have less time to work. He just tries not to think about what would happen if one of them got sick or hurt or there was some other kind of emergency where they’d need money.

“Levi,” Farlan says. He waits until Levi looks over at him. “Don’t do this to yourself,” Farlan says. “It’s not the end of the world. You’ve been stressed and you made a mistake. You need to let it go.”

_Stressed_. Levi clenches his teeth a little and signs out of the bank account again. “Yeah,” he says.

He tries to concentrate on his homework as Farlan finishes putting away groceries, then winds up on the couch with headphones on, a book in his hand. Isabel comes back a bit later. Levi’s not sure where she’d gone. Levi reiterates the bank account info to her.

As if to prove Farlan right about being stressed, not even an hour after their conversation, Levi starts getting a headache. He takes some Excedrin and ignores it for another twenty minutes, until the lights seem like they’re blinding and he can’t concentrate on anything that he’s reading. He leaves his work on the kitchen table and doesn’t even bother cleaning it up before going into his and Farlan’s room, shutting all the blinds and curling up on his bed.

He squeezes his eyes shut as the pain builds. He feels sweat break out on his forehead and his back. He grinds his teeth. After fifteen minutes or so he moves to press the heel of one hand against his forehead, over his right eye. The pressure eases the pain for only a moment. Levi stifles a hitching groan.

He doesn’t know how long he stays curled up on the bed, just that Farlan comes in to check on him at some point and Isabel sits with him for a few minutes after asking if he needed water. Eventually the pain ebbs enough that he falls into a doze. When he wakes up it’s dark out and he’s alone, the migraine faded to just a dull ache.

Farlan looks up at him when Levi walks out of their bedroom. He’s sitting on the couch, and he smiles when he sees Levi. “Hey,” he says, “how are you feeling?”

“Shitty,” Levi says. He finds his phone and checks the time, dismayed to see that it’s already past eight.

“I texted Erwin for you,” Farlan says.

Levi knows. He’s got a couple messages from Erwin. He taps out a response, a sinking disappointment as he looks from his phone to the laptop and homework he’d left out on the kitchen table. He sighs. So much for seeing Erwin tonight.

On Monday, Levi has classes, and then in the afternoon he has hockey, the first day of tryouts. He’s more than a little excited to get on the ice, even if he’s dreading the amount of time it’s going to start taking from his schedule. The locker room is loud as Levi goes to his own locker and starts changing clothes. He changes with his back to the wall, an ingrained habit to hide the scars. They’re mostly faded now, and mostly no one notices them, but if they do see them, it’s kind of jarring, and usually followed by a barrage of questioning, or silent stares and whispering. It was more of a problem in high school, when the scars weren’t so faded, when he sometimes had fresh marks, but old habits die hard and Levi’s been hiding them for too long.

The practice itself goes pretty well. They’ve got a few new good players. Levi helps Eld with drills, avoids their coach, Shadis, and speeds around the rink. He relishes the cold air and the rush of sprinting from end to end – it has always felt like flying to him, freeing.

He and Shadis have an interesting relationship in which Shadis paradoxically despises and revers Levi and Levi simultaneously finds Shadis horribly annoying and endlessly amusing. When Levi was an arrogant and snippety freshman, Shadis made him do sprints until he almost puked on a couple of occasions, and Levi was pretty thoroughly rude and disrespectful, with plenty of sarcastic commentary on Shadis’s coaching strategy. They have a better relationship now, but Levi still snickers at Shadis’s speeches and Shadis still snaps at Levi with great frequency.

Shadis has told him multiple times that he has the potential to go pro, but Levi has no intention of doing so. He had thought about it at one point, but he just doesn’t think it’s for him. He loves playing, but he doesn’t want to make it his life.

Most of the new players know his name before they show up, which Levi finds both uncomfortable and annoying. He has no interest in either hero-worship or childish jockeying. He ignores the whispers about his height and his stats from the previous season.

The first day is always rough, in that Shadis tries to drive them into the ground. Despite the fact that Levi has certainly kept in shape from last season, he’s going to be sore tomorrow. Levi knows that plenty of coaches run brutal practices, but Shadis is ex-military and Levi’s pretty sure he’s just got a complex about needing to beat down his players before they can start working on real skills and strategy. Levi is once again impressed that Shadis doesn’t lose his voice on the first day of practice with all the yelling he does.

It isn’t until the practice is over that Levi starts feeling restless. Shadis drags him and Eld away just as he dismisses everyone else. Levi reluctantly stays. He’s always in a rush to leave the rink once their practices and games are over. It doesn’t really bother him while he’s actually playing, but as soon as he starts to sit still, as soon as the endorphins from exercising start fading, all he really wants is to get out of his sweaty gear and clothes and shower as soon as possible.

For the first few minutes he nods along to Shadis and actually pays attention to what him and Eld say, but then he starts getting jittery, looking up at the clock and over to the exit, until Shadis snaps at him, “Levi, pay attention, this will be your job next year.”

Levi’s lip curls but he sets his eyes back on Shadis, fingers tightening in their gloves around the stick he holds. Eld glances at him, but Shadis jumps back into another monologue about the opposing teams this year and Levi can feel the sweat cooling at his temples and the back of his neck and eventually he loses his patience.

“We’ll watch the fucking tapes,” he says. Shadis is just going to make them do it later anyway, Levi does not need a play by play of every game they played last year. He’d analyzed them then and he’s sure they’ll be analyzing them some more, with the actual tapes instead of standing there on the ice listening to Shadis drone.

Shadis’s head snaps over to him, a severe look. “Suicides,” he says. “Now, Ackerman.”

Levi grits his teeth and tightens his hand around his stick again, but he turns for the goal line before Shadis can catch the “fuck you,” he says under his breath. It’s bubbling anger and the background, simmering anxiety that has him sprinting through the drill, line by line until he gets to the opposite side. It’s spite that has him doing it again, back to his starting goal line, without taking a break first.

By the time he’s done, he’s panting trying to catch his breath, but he’s a little more relaxed, if still very annoyed. He slides back over to stop beside Eld again. He manages to keep his mouth shut for the rest of Shadis’s diatribe, clenching his teeth tighter and tighter as the minutes tick by.

Finally, they are allowed to leave. Levi sprints for the exit.

“I don’t know how you listen to him with a straight face,” Levi says to Eld, as they’re unlacing their skates. Levi tears his off.

Eld is smiling though. “I don’t know why you still antagonize him.”

“His fucking fault,” Levi says. He’s not really sure what Shadis thinks is going to happen next year, when he’s captain and Eld will have graduated. Maybe Eld will fail some classes next semester and have to stay for a fifth year. Levi can hope.

Levi’s skin is itching by the time he reaches the locker room. There’s still some players around but most have showered already and are either getting dressed or putting away their gear. Levi’s nose crinkles and he can’t help watching with disdain as pads and gear and sweaty clothes get shoved into lockers around him. _No one_ , in his opinion, cleans their shit well enough, if they do at all. Though it is impossible to get all of it satisfactorily clean. The gloves in particular bother Levi every time he has to put them on, unless he’s washed them thoroughly at home or at the laundromat recently.

The athletic locker rooms are somehow even more disgusting than the gym ones, and Levi cringes when he goes for the showers. He washes as quickly as possible, but he’s still tense when he gets out, even if his body is clean again. He dresses, finishes wiping down his gear, and then stows it. His skin is still prickling though and Levi knows he should leave, knows that he should grab his bag and go, but he seems to walk on autopilot to the sinks instead, pumping soap into his hands and setting the water to boiling.

He washes his hands and the tension eases out of his shoulders. He hadn’t realized he’d started breathing harder until it slows again. He gets more soap. The water temp heats up until it’s burning, but Levi doesn’t reach for the faucet knobs. It starts to hurt, but it feels distant. He relaxes some more.

“Levi,” Eld says next to him, and Levi starts. He hadn’t noticed him approach. Levi glances up and Eld nods down at his hands. Levi looks back at his hands in the sink. They’re bright red from the hot water and his knuckles are starting to bleed again.

Levi shuts the water off. He’s feeling a little better, but the tension rises again as he moves for the hand dryers. He winces when they sting. He tries to remember if he has any bandages left in his backpack. 

Eld doesn’t comment on it farther, just waits for him to grab his bag before they walk out together, catching Gunther where he’s waiting in the hall.

He can’t pay attention to what they’re saying. He glances at his phone. He’s supposed to meet Erwin at his apartment for dinner, but Levi starts heading for his own apartment first. He suddenly wants more than anything else to have another shower, in his own apartment, where it is _clean_. He feels a squirming discomfort start up, bile in his throat, thinking about the walls of the locker room showers, the smell of sweat, the dirty tiles. He wants his clean, white, spotless shower, where it’s safe, where he can actually get clean. His heartrate starts to go up as he starts feeling distinctly dirty, because he hadn’t really gotten clean in those showers, how could he have? He can practically feel the sweat still on his skin. It feels sticky, clammy. He picks up his pace.

He spends about an hour in the shower when he gets back. It takes him about twenty minutes of scrubbing to really relax, and then he just doesn’t want to get out. When he does, he fishes Isabel’s lotion from the medicine cabinet to put over his hands, before taping on a couple more bandages. They don’t stick well with the moisture from the lotion, and he winds up picking one off by the time he’s halfway to Erwin’s. He’d had to text him that he’d be late.

Levi feels exhausted and worn out. _Is this going to happen every fucking time I play?_ Sure, the last two years he’d had some bad days, when he’d been particularly anxious or stressed, but it feels pretty disheartening, coming out of the very first practice, feeling like shit. Levi thinks about how he has practice tomorrow as well, every day this week except Sunday, and his stomach turns.

By the time Levi gets there, Erwin’s already finished cooking dinner, ignoring his own hunger pains to wait for Levi, food on the stove with tinfoil over it to keep it hot. Pasta and spinach with chicken. Levi is strangely, Erwin thinks, averse to vegetables, but for some reason loves spinach. He will begrudgingly eat broccoli but only if it’s roasted.

The second Levi walks in the door, Erwin feels his stomach drop. He looks exhausted, and his knuckles are more raw than usual, another band-aid present. Levi toes off his shoes and takes off his jacket.

“How was practice?” Erwin says. He knows Levi had his first one today, tryouts technically.

“Good,” Levi says.

_You don’t look good_ , Erwin thinks. “How are you?” he says instead.

“Fine,” Levi says. He looks up and his eyes focus behind Erwin, on the food on the stove. He frowns. “I’m sorry for being late.”

“It’s alright,” Erwin says. “Did practice run late?”

Erwin’s already set the table, waiting for him. Levi goes to the stove and peaks under the tinfoil to see what Erwin’s made.

“Yeah, a little,” Levi says.

Erwin grabs the plates from the table. He hands one to Levi and they each spoon out some food before sitting back down. Erwin pours them each some water.

Erwin’s eyes run over Levi’s face, to his hands, and he thinks about what Mike said. He swallows. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” Erwin says. He acknowledges the twinge of nervousness in his stomach but continues anyway, watching Levi’s reaction carefully, words slow. “I wanted to ask how you’ve been feeling lately, because it seems like you’ve been having a hard time.”

Levi’s eyes widen just a fraction but his features otherwise smooth out – it’s a blank look. He lets out something short of a sigh. “I’m fine Erwin, just a little stressed.”

“You don’t seem fine,” Erwin says.

Levi brings both hands to his face and lets out a real sigh this time. “Look, Erwin, the other day with the nightmare –”

“I don’t mean that,” Erwin says, and Levi drops his hands again, an almost quizzical look now. “I mean, I guess that too,” Erwin says, “but I mean more generally. You don’t eat, and I know you said it was the pills, recently, but it’s still happening, it’s been happening besides then, and I know how much trouble you’re having sleeping –”

“I’ve always had insomnia.”

“It seems like it’s been worse,” Erwin says.

“The nightmare before just rattled me,” Levi says. “I’m fine now. It was just a couple bad nights.”

“It’s more than that, Levi,” Erwin says. He looks across at Levi, at his blank expression, and Erwin’s mouth dips into a frown. “You’ve seemed… you’ve seemed unhappy, Levi.”

Something flickers in Levi’s expression, subtle contractions of facial muscles, just for a second, and his gaze slips down to the table. “I am happy,” he says, and it comes out so unmistakably disingenuous that it strikes Erwin like ice water. The words aren’t Levi’s, doesn’t sound like him at all, but it’s a sad kind of deceit, like Levi’s trying the words out in his mouth, like he’s trying to convince himself. The next phrases are more sincere, but it’s still a wavering type of speech. “I’m happy with you. I like my job. Isabel is living with us now, I like hockey…”

“I didn’t mean I think you’re unhappy with me,” Erwin says. He hadn’t even really considered the possibility – Levi hasn’t been avoiding him or spending less time with him or anything else that would indicate he was unhappy in regards to their relationship. “And I’m glad you have those things, but you…” Erwin tries to articulate it, the way Levi hasn’t been taking care of himself, how he seems to cycle through anger, fear, and some type of slow murky sadness. “You look pretty miserable, Levi,” Erwin says.

Levi looks away. He says nothing this time, though Erwin was half expecting another terse “I’m fine.” Levi’s expression is still blank, and he looks at the wall. Erwin waits. It’s a long, uncomfortable moment, while Erwin tries to think of something else to say, and Levi remains silent, almost ignoring him.

“It’s not new,” Levi says.

His voice is low, soft, and his expression doesn’t change at all, except it looks like it goes just a bit tighter. He’s staring hard at the wall now, as if there’s something there to see, to study.

“New?” Erwin says.

“None of it’s new,” Levi says. He answers quickly this time, still half-turned in his chair, not moving a muscle except to speak.

Erwin pauses. He’s waiting for more explanation, but he doesn’t get it. “What do you mean by ‘it,’” he says.

Levi waves a hand in a vague gesture, still stares at the wall. “What you’re talking about. It’s not new.” His teeth clench when he’s done speaking.

Erwin waits again. Levi’s hand falls back at his side. “What do you mean by not new then?” Erwin says.

Levi lets out a long exhale and finally moves his head again, tilting it down, eyes closing for a second, before he looks back at Erwin, meets his eyes again. They’re hard, blank, a mask. He gestures with his hand again. “It’s not new,” he says, “I don’t need some intervention or for you to get me help. I take meds, I see a fucking therapist. Things just suck sometimes. I’ve already heard the ‘it gets better speech’ so you can drop this whole thing.”

The frown on Erwin’s face gradually deepens, and when he speaks his voice is low. “Don’t talk to me like this,” he says. That finally gets a reaction, one of Levi’s eyebrows arching up, the cold mask on his face slipping into surprise, or something close to it. “Don’t talk to me as if I don’t know you, Levi,” Erwin says. “Don’t talk to me as if my only goal is to clear my own conscience, to follow some moral obligation to check up on you. I already knew you took meds and saw a therapist, Levi. I’m not asking to make sure you’re getting help, I’m asking because _I_ want to help, Levi.”

Levi looks back at him with that same almost surprised look, and Erwin lets out a long breath, lets his body untense again.

“You’ve obviously not been feeling well, and I want to help, Levi,” Erwin says, his voice soft again. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, and I promise not to push if you tell me to stop, but I’d really wish you’d talk to me more. I’m here. I want to be here.”

Levi’s back to looking down, at the table in front of him. There’s something strange happening on his face though, and as Erwin looks closer he sees Levi’s face start going almost red – it’s not a blush, more like he’s angry or anxious or upset, and Erwin’s really not sure which one it is. The muscles around his mouth tense, pinch. His eyes are gone.

Erwin waits this time. He says nothing until Levi finally opens his mouth. “I’m not going to dump everything on you,” he says.

“If you wanted to, I would listen,” Erwin says, “I would never think of it as dumping everything on me.”

Levi looks up. There’s something pained in his eyes, but Erwin will take just about anything over that cold, shuttered mask. “I don’t know what you can do to help,” Levi says.

“Then let me try to come up with something,” Erwin says. “Tell me what’s wrong?”

“You say that like it’s simple,” Levi says. There’s a bitter edge to his voice.

“What’s wrong today?” Erwin says. “Right now?” Something obviously is.

Levi runs his hand through his hair. “I dunno, Erwin,” he says. “I just get low sometimes.”

“Low?” Erwin says.

Levi doesn’t look at him. “Yeah.”

“You mean, depressed?”

Levi doesn’t say anything. His mouth tightens. His expression stays hard, not looking at him.

“Levi,” Erwin says, his voice quiet. He reaches out, gently cups the side of Levi’s face. Levi lets him. Erwin doesn’t press against Levi’s skin, doesn’t try to turn him, but Levi moves anyway, turns so his eyes are once again on Erwin. There’s an anger in his eyes which surprises Erwin. Mostly they are hard though – steadfast, defensive. It’s hiding traces of fear. “It’s not a dirty word,” Erwin says, his voice soft.

Levi scoffs. His shoulders untense a little bit though, and Erwin drops his hand to Levi’s shoulder instead. “If it was then I wouldn’t really have a problem with it, would I?” Levi says.

Erwin smiles. “No, I suppose it wouldn’t stand out in your vocabulary,” he says. Erwin squeezes Levi’s shoulder lightly and runs his thumb up and down.

And Levi doesn’t know what to say. It reminds Levi of when he’d been eighteen, when they’d just moved into the dorms and Farlan had crossed his arms like he was steeling for a fight and said, “I scheduled you an appointment at the counseling center,” and Levi had just stared at him in shock for a moment.

“What?” he said.

“The counseling center,” Farlan said. “To see a therapist. It’s free. You have an appointment next Thursday at two.”

And Levi had argued, and Farlan had argued back, and Isabel had called him, and when Levi finally sat down in that chair across from Pam, he wasn’t _surprised_ by the diagnosis, but it somehow felt surreal anyway. And it felt awful, those first few appointments, the encouraging look Farlan gave him, the heavy walk up the steps to the center. It wasn’t quite shame, more like a concession, like it was a testament to just how fucked up he was. It just made him feel worse, admitting that things were that bad.

But it’s been over two years since then and Levi doesn’t know why it’s hitting him all over again.

Levi looks down to avoid looking Erwin in the eyes. He’d _known_ that Erwin knew, that Erwin knew he had issues. And he’d known that Erwin had pretty understanding views of mental health, but seeing it up close is different. And Levi’s still afraid of him looking that close. His body tenses up. Erwin’s hand runs over his shoulder.

But Levi is also exhausted.

“I don’t like talking about it,” Levi says.

Erwin nods, and he smiles a bit. “Yes, I’ve gathered that.”

And Levi lets out a little huff, and his shoulders untense a little bit more. “I’m…” he starts. He clenches his hands, shoulders tense, and he thinks about hockey today and the awful tension through his body, and it always feels like it never quite sinks in until it’s over, never quite sinks in how bad it is until it’s over. Like he can’t really see how far down he’s gone until he’s back up to normal, and it makes him feel helpless.

He looks down at his hands, and feels another swell of that sinking desperation, the same feeling he had when he called Farlan sitting on the floor in Erwin’s bathroom, because he just didn’t want to do it anymore, because he didn’t know what else to do. How it’s been going on for the last two or three months, just getting worse.

“I think I need to change my meds,” he says. His words come out in an abrupt burst. It’s been sitting in the back of his head for weeks but he hasn’t wanted to think about it, hasn’t wanted to admit it. There’s suddenly a lump in his throat. “I don’t know what else to do.”

The lump in his throat tightens and he feels Erwin’s presence like a physical weight and that’s somehow both anchoring and crushing, and then it all rushes out. “But they take like a fucking month or sometimes more to kick in,” Levi says, “and even if I call today I won’t get an appointment for at least two weeks and the starting dose is never enough, so it’s gonna be fucking forever before it actually starts working, _if_ it even works, and I can’t fucking do this for another two or three or four months or however long it takes.”

Levi sucks in a breath. His eyes start burning and he blinks and swallows against his tightening throat. Because it’s true, and he only realizes it really then. _I can’t do this,_ he thinks. He can hear his breaths in his ears and he feels Erwin’s hand slide to his back, running smoothly. _Fuck._ He can’t get through hockey like this, can’t get through the semester like this _. But it’s too fucking late anyway._

“Let’s call tomorrow then,” Erwin says softly, “so you can get started.”

Levi lets out a long exhale. “I should have done it a month ago,” he says after a moment. He’s surprised by how quickly he talks, but he’s been avoiding telling Erwin anything for so fucking long, and he hasn’t brought any of this up with Farlan because he doesn’t want to argue about it again. “But I hate changing them, and… I thought this one was working.” He runs both his hands through his hair and closes his eyes for a moment, feels another sick swell of desperation and hopelessness that he tries to push down before it makes its way into his voice. “I’ve tried three already. I don’t know what the fuck they’re gonna put me on this time.” He can’t quite keep the thickness out of his voice. “Nothing fucking works.”

Erwin leans forward, and Levi feels him press a kiss to his head. Levi keeps looking down at his lap, his head still resting in his hands, still blinking at the way his eyes have started stinging, still swallowing against the lump in his throat. It feels like sinking, the way he’s been feeling lately. Like a fog with needles floating around. Murky and numb, with streaks of sharpness that seem to cut deep without warning.

“I know it can take a while to find a treatment that works,” Erwin says.

“You don’t know how many times Farlan’s said that to me,” Levi says. It comes out far more bitter than he meant it to.

“You said you thought this one was working though,” Erwin says, and his hand never stops moving over Levi’s back. “So it must have been helping some. You’ll find something that works.”

He’s right, and Levi knows that what he has now is better than nothing. But lately better than nothing is still falling very short of _enough_. Levi clenches his teeth. He moves his hands down from his face just to ball them to fists, fingernails digging into his palms. His knuckles sting and suddenly Levi is so tired of that pain, just wishes for a moment that they’d stop hurting.

Erwin runs a hand through Levi’s hair. Levi feels it and lets out another long exhale. Erwin does it again.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Erwin says, in that same gentle voice. “You can call in the morning.” Erwin pauses, waits, but Levi doesn’t say anything. “Why don’t we do something relaxing now,” Erwin says. “Maybe watch a movie, or have a bath?”

When Erwin runs a hand down Levi’s arm, Levi reaches up, and Erwin takes his hand. “Movie sounds good,” Levi says. Sitting with Erwin on the couch sounds good. He’s afraid if he tries to take a bath he’ll just wind up scrubbing himself raw again.

Erwin smiles at him. He squeezes Levi’s hand. “Okay. Let’s move to the couch.” Erwin makes to pick up his plate.

“I’m sorry,” Levi says.

Erwin frowns at him. “What for?”

“For,” Levi says, and waves his hand. “Worrying you. Hiding.” _Being fucked up_ , Levi thinks. He can’t take the pained look on Erwin’s face, how full of empathy it is. He doesn’t want to be the cause of that look, feels guilty enough already for worrying Farlan and Isabel so much. He knows Hange worries about him too, hell, even Eld had started giving him looks. He doesn’t want to keep adding names to the list.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Erwin says. “I get that it’s difficult, Levi. It’s okay.”

It’s not okay. Levi’s waiting for the catch, waiting for Erwin to figure out that he didn’t sign up for all Levi’s bullshit. But right now there is nothing but empathy and compassion and adoration in Erwin’s eyes, and Levi is hurting too much, too exhausted. He wants some scrap of comfort too much, anything to make it better, to give him a break, even if it’s just for a couple hours.

Erwin puts the plate down, and leans over to hug him. Levi wraps his arms around Erwin and tilts his head down. He breathes in the smell of Erwin’s laundry detergent and his shampoo and closes his eyes, and his shoulders finally untense a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know a limited amount about college sports and absolutely nothing about hockey, so apologies for any inaccuracy there. 
> 
> Thoughts on Eren? On Levi and Erwin's conversation there??? I like where they landed but I struggled a bit to get them there, so your feedback is much appreciated. 
> 
> And at risk of just repeating that "it gets better" line, it took me four years, three psychiatrists, and six different medications to find a combo that works for me. It was an absolute nightmare, but I cannot express how completely worth it it was. I hope all of you are doing well out there and taking care of yourselves :)


	9. Hockey Gloves and Xanax Bars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh... things gets worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *A reminder to read the tags for warnings.

Levi drops his bag on the floor of his bedroom. Farlan looks up from his bed, where he’s sitting up looking at his phone. His eyes suddenly still on Levi, and Levi will never quite know how he does that, how he seems to sense when something is up.

Levi sighs. He looks up at Farlan. “I made an appointment. With the psychiatrist,” he says.

Farlan’s eyes slant a little bit, but he doesn’t look surprised. He nods. “That’s probably good,” he says. “When is it?

“Next Wednesday,” Levi says. They’d gotten him in early, had a cancelation. It’s only a little over a week away. “It’s at two thirty.”

Farlan looks at him. Levi stares back and tries to keep his expression from looking too expectant.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Farlan says.

“If you have time.”

“I’ll have time,” Farlan says. “I’m glad you’re going, Lee.” Levi grunts. He pulls his laptop from his bag to put it by his bed.

He takes a breath without looking back at Farlan. “I told Erwin about it.”

“Yeah?” Farlan says. “He still being good with stuff?”

Levi huffs. “Wants to help and shit.”

Farlan smiles at him as Levi turns back, and Levi’s a little taken aback by the grin. “Doesn’t Erwin have any single friends? When’s he going to introduce me to a girl, Levi?” Farlan says. Levi scoffs at him. “Seriously, it’s not fair,” Farlan says. “You’ll tell me if he fucks up, right? Has he done anything shitty yet?”

“Besides his shitty jokes?” Levi says.

“Anyone who puts up with your humor should be able to make whatever the hell jokes they want to,” Farlan says.

Levi ignores that comment. “Can you close the blinds?” he says.

Farlan reaches over to close the blinds to the window next to his bed. “Yeah,” he says. “Your head bothering you?”

“All day,” Levi says as the room goes darker. He lies down in bed and shuts his eyes. He has to be at practice in an hour and a half. He’s hoping that lying down in a dark room for an hour will help ease the worst of it. It doesn’t help that he’s nervous about practice, afraid he’s going to start spiraling again once it’s over. He’s tempted to skip but the pain isn’t too bad today. Shadis is surprisingly understanding when Levi needs to miss practice for migraines, but Levi only does it when he absolutely has to. He’s never skipped a game. Even when his vision is spotting out and the noise from the crowd is like an icepick to his brain, he always shows up. On one memorable occasion he made it back to the bench just in time to rip his helmet off and puke.

He can’t help thinking about the sweaty gear he’s going to have to put back on and the disgusting locker room showers and knows that the stress is just going to make his headache worse. Levi tries to push it from his mind and take some deep breaths instead.

_Could take a Xanax_ , he thinks. There is no way in hell he’d ever want to actually play while on Xanax, but if he timed it right he might be able to keep it somewhere by his water and slip over to take it about twenty minutes before the end of practice. If he waits until after practice to take it then it won’t start working until after he’s left. Still better than going home to spend another hour showering and trying to calm down, but it wouldn’t help for the worst of it.

_What the fuck am I gonna do, take it every day?_ Levi thinks. No, he can’t take it just for practice. _Could do only a quarter pill_ , he thinks. _Would that even help?_ The Xanax bars are scored into quarters, but Levi’s only ever taken either a full pill or a half. A full pill blocks panic attacks and gets him out of any cleaning spirals pretty well, but it makes him feel out of it and his memory goes fuzzy, his reactions slowed. A half pill doesn’t help if he’s really panicking, but it eases his anxiety and keeps him calm if there’s nothing too triggering. His memory still isn’t as good then, but he doesn’t feel as drugged or sleepy.

_It’ll be fine_ , Levi thinks, pushing the idea of the pill out of his head. _It’ll be fine_.

He makes it until Friday.

On Tuesday, he goes back to his apartment after practice with his head still pounding from the migraine, and he locks himself in the bathroom and washes his hands until they bleed. Then he scrubs his hockey gloves for another twenty minutes, before going to the laundromat down the street and washing them with what else of his gear can go in a washing machine. He hauls it all back to campus the next day.

On Wednesday, he has a panic attack. Levi doesn’t get panic attacks often. He won’t count the cleaning spirals. The proper, hyperventilating, frozen panic attacks, like when he’d woken up from the nightmare at Erwin’s after dreaming he’d been shot, are rare.

He has a panic attack because he cannot go back to his apartment after practice on Wednesdays. On Wednesdays, he has work with Pyxis, in the office, directly after practice. And he definitely can’t call in, not when it’s his fault they’re already down forty bucks this week. Which means he _can’t spend_ an hour in the shower, can’t go back to his apartment to shower again, can’t go back to the laundromat to wash his gear again, and he can’t take his pill to calm down either. He has a panic attack leaning against the wall of the gym shower stall, some background part of him trying to keep quiet enough that the few people left won’t hear him. Which also means he can’t call Farlan like he normally would, can’t call Isabel or Erwin, because he’s in the locker room. In the shower. He can’t force himself to move. So he panics, eventually it ends. He shows up to the office twenty minutes late and slogs through work with dead eyes.

On Thursday he goes to Erwin’s after practice. Takes a shower and then a bath and Erwin tries to help but it still takes Levi a long time to relax. And that is when Levi knows that it’s becoming a _thing_. He’s getting stuck, anxious about the anxiety he’s going to get after practice before the practice even starts. It’s creating a cycle, and he doesn’t know how to break out of it.

He needs to cut it off. This hadn’t happened the last two years, not this bad, there’s no reason it has to happen now. Levi just needs a couple days where he can relax and then he’ll go back and he’ll be fine. He just needs a chance to catch his breath.

On Friday, Levi brings his Xanax to practice. He takes it twenty minutes before practice ends. He was only going to take a half pill, but halfway through the day when he and Hange have to go find a different place than their usual to study, because he can’t sit on the couches, because he can’t disinfect the couches with the wipes he carries around with him, he decides to take the whole thing. He doesn’t have work that night. It’s the weekend. He can afford to take the full pill.

On Friday, practice runs late. And this is how Levi winds up in a scrimmage match, his reaction time slowed, everything going hazy, the noise of the rink both far away and jarring, his body refusing to respond at the speed or with the coordination that he needs.

“Ackerman, get your head in the game!” Shadis yells.

Gunther darts past him with the puck. He’s gone before Levi can even try to take it from him. And the best part of all is that Levi doesn’t even care.

The other team scores. _Shit_ , Levi thinks. It takes him a moment to process, just standing there. He doesn’t want to move. Skating is suddenly _so_ much harder, and he moves so quickly on them, fumbles to not overshoot. A hand claps down on his shoulder and then suddenly Levi is staring up at Eld, whose eyes are scrunched behind the cage of his helmet.

“You good, man?” Eld says.

Levi blinks. “Yeah,” he says.

On the next play, Eld passes him the puck. Levi completely misses it. It shoots right by him, and he watches as Gunther gets it, and proceeds to quickly get down to their goal line. Levi hits the boards.

Shadis blows the whistle in a shrill, long screech. “Ackerman! Over here, now!”

Levi has the dim thought that this is not good.

He skates over. Shadis looks his usual mix of furious and frustrated. He yells at another player to sub in. “What the hell was that, Ackerman?”

“Dunno,” Levi says. His voice is quiet, he looks away.

“Hey,” Shadis says. He hits the side of Levi’s helmet to get his attention, not hard, but normally Levi would bristle at the action. Now he just feels a vague bubble of annoyance as he looks back, makes eye contact again.

Shadis stares at him, and then his eyes widen. His voice drops. “Levi, are you on something?”

Levi looks back at him. “Yes,” he says.

Shadis’s eyes bug out of his head. Levi could almost laugh. “Bench,” Shadis says.

Practice ends in another five minutes. Shadis cuts the practice game short. Levi gets up to leave and Shadis barks a “stay” at him, so he sits back down. Everyone else is dismissed. Eld gives him a questioning, worried look, and Levi just looks away.

_I’m screwed_ , Levi thinks. Even that feels subdued. He accepts that this is going to be a shitshow. Maybe he’ll get benched for a while. Maybe Shadis will make him do suicides until he pukes next practice.

Levi looks up when Shadis walks over to him, face red, taking a deep breath with a hand pressed to his forehead.

“What the _fuck_ were you thinking, Ackerman?” Shadis says. “Or did you forget that you’ll be drug tested? What the hell are you thinking, what could _ever_ possess you to come to practice _high?_ Coming to practice, trying to skate on something, I don’t even know what the hell to do with you – _high_ at _practice_ , this is a real new one. I have never had a player as disrespectful, rude, and insolent as you, but apparently you are also the most _idiotic_ player that I have _ever_ –”

“Practice went late,” Levi says.

Shadis stops. His face is bright red and the veins are sticking out. And Levi thinks he’s probably seen him this angry before, but never combined with the utter bewilderment, disbelief like this. What was funny before now just leaves Levi’s stomach sinking. He wants to go home.

“ _That_ , is what you choose to say?” Shadis says, his voice suddenly quiet and deadly. It rises in volume. “You show up to _my_ rink _high_ , and that is what you are focusing on, that practice ran _late?_ ” His voice goes shrill at the end.

Levi wonders if Shadis is going to hit him. He probably couldn’t even dodge it right now.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Shadis says. “What the hell –”

“It wasn’t supposed to kick in until after practice,” Levi says, still in the quiet, almost mumbling voice, though his tone is neutral. “Took it right before practice was supposed to end. Practice went late.”

The second it’s out of his mouth, Levi realizes that he should not have said that.

“You brought drugs into my rink? You took drugs in the middle of practice? You couldn’t have waited another goddamned hour? You couldn’t have waited another fucking hour, Ackerman, you are telling me that you are high on my rink because you just _had_ to get high _right_ now? You couldn’t wait one more fucking hour before you started your Friday night? I don’t fucking care which parties you’re going to, what your plans were, when you are at practice, you are at fucking _practice_ , Ackerman!”

Levi winces.

“You had better hope that you do not get a positive drug test, do you even have any idea how utterly stupid you have been, did you have absolutely no regard to the consequences of –”

And Levi is tired and he’s sinking and he just wants Shadis to stop yelling at him.

“It’s a prescription,” Levi says.

Shadis stops. “What?”

“It’s a prescription,” Levi says. “I dunno if it shows up on the tests, I have to tell ‘em my medications and shit though. So that’s fine.”

“A prescription,” Shadis says.

“Yeah.”

“ _Your_ prescription.”

“Ah-huh.”

Shadis stares at him. Levi stares at a spot in front of him.

And then Shadis drags a rough hand down his face. “Why did you take it during practice?” Shadis says.

Levi thinks about his bleeding hands and the painful tightness of his chest, and a small knot of shame seeps into his skin. “Needed it,” Levi says.

Shadis suddenly drops onto the bench next to him, head in both his hands. “Jesus, Levi, what the hell am I gonna do with you?” He scrubs a hand over his face. “Why did you not just say that? Why did you not just say that at the beginning?” Shadis looks back up at him.

“Dunno, coach,” Levi says, voice almost drawling this time, “I’m kinda high right now.”

Shadis groans. He actually groans. “This medication, it’s for your head?” Shadis says.

Levi’s throat tightens. “Yeah,” he says.

“Levi, you get a migraine and you come sit the hell out, okay? You _do not_ take medication that will make you a liability on the ice, and then _not say_ anything about it. You _do not_ stay on the ice after taking a medication that you know you can’t skate on. Actually, you do not take this medication _at all_ at the rink. You need to leave, you leave. You got it, Ackerman?”

Levi blinks at him. There’s a long pause. “Yeah, coach,” Levi says. He doesn’t correct him. _Always assuming shit_ , Levi thinks.

“Go,” Shadis says, waving his hand. “Go get cleaned up. We’re talking about this again tomorrow. So I can make it crystal clear to you while you are not _drugged_ on my rink.”

“Yep,” Levi says. He gets up. He leaves before Shadis can say anything else.

Eld catches him at the entrance to the locker room, clearly waiting for him, alongside Gunther.

“We heard yelling,” Eld says, “what happened with Shadis?”

“I’m high, he noticed,” Levi says while walking right by them.

Levi goes to Erwin’s after he leaves the gym. He feels weird walking around. He usually holes himself up after taking his pill. It’s not until he gets there and he’s knocking on the door that he realizes that Erwin isn’t expecting him until later, and Levi didn’t call or text before going over.

He texts then, asks Erwin when he’s getting back. Then he sits on the floor outside his apartment for half an hour. He thinks about the end of the scrimmage and Shadis yelling at him. Shadis has yelled at him a lot over the past two years.

The words… sting. They sting. Levi’s surprised at the feeling. He doesn’t usually give two shits about what Shadis thinks of him, what Shadis shouts at him. He’s shouted at him plenty. And this shouldn’t be different. It shouldn’t be, because Levi hadn’t actually dropped acid or took an oxy or whatever the fuck Shadis thought he had done. And it was probably stupid to stay on the ice, he probably could have made up some excuse, but that hadn’t been what Shadis was screaming at him for.

Levi wraps his arms around one of his knees on the floor of the hallway outside Erwin’s apartment. _Idiotic_. It shouldn’t bother him. He’s been called worse. It stings anyway. Levi hears footsteps coming up the stairs and he looks up to see Erwin. And then the expression on Erwin’s face falls all at once, and Levi feels like shit.

Erwin drops down into a crouch before Levi can get up. He cups the side of Levi’s face and then rubs his thumb gently over his cheek. Levi meets his eyes. He watches Erwin’s eyes flick over him, searching, and some realization.

“Hey,” Erwin says. “What happened?”

“Can’t stop washing,” Levi says, and it all goes rushing out of him. He closes his eyes and tilts his head down. “Shadis saw, screamed at me. Can’t stop fucking washing after every fucking practice – but it went late and then I was drugged on the fucking ice, I’m still drugged, it was supposed to make things better.” And Levi knows he’s not making sense but he can’t seem to string it together. He wants to go to sleep. He wants Erwin to hold him.

“Let’s go inside,” Erwin says.

It takes ten minutes and then Levi’s out cold.

Erwin’s left arm is trapped under Levi’s neck. He runs a hand up and down Levi’s arm slowly. The knot of worry in his chest doesn’t let up. As if on cue, his phone buzzes. Erwin picks it up to see a text from Hange.

_Ran into Eld is Levi with you?_

Erwin balances the phone to text one handed, a simple, _Yes_.

_Is he doing okay?_

Erwin pauses. _No_. And then, _He’s asleep now. Can we move the party to your place?_ It’s supposed to be at Erwin’s today, since it was at Hange’s last week and they usually switch off, but Erwin doesn’t think he’ll be going this time. He gets a quick barrage of texts in response.

_Sure what’s up_

_Need me to come over_

_I can bring pizza_

_Or alcohol_

_Depending_

Erwin smiles. _Something about hockey I think._ It hits him then. It’s strange – he tells Mike about what’s going on with Levi, though not in detail, and he hasn’t shared Levi’s recent confession except to say something along the lines of “we talked, you were right.” He told Mike that Levi has a sedative, but he won’t tell Hange.

Which strikes him as a little strange, because Levi is actually good friends with Hange, but Erwin supposes that’s exactly why he won’t tell her. He doesn’t know if Hange knows already. And maybe he shouldn’t have told Mike anything either, but he’s positive Mike is not going to tell anyone else, and Mike and Levi don’t really talk, don’t hang out together outside their mutual friends, so it doesn’t feel like the knowledge really means anything. Whereas with Hange, it will.

_Eld said he said he was high_

_Was he really_

Erwin is surprised. He’d told Eld he was high? _Sort of,_ he texts back, because she’s apparently already heard that much.

_Xanax?_

Erwin looks down at the phone. _Is that what he takes,_ he thinks to himself. It must be – Erwin knows it’s an anxiety medication. He’s surprised that Hange knows, feels a small and unsettling dart of hurt – he’d thought that he was the only one who knew other than Farlan and Isabel. He wonders when Levi told her. He shouldn’t be upset really, Levi has known her almost twice as long as he’s known Erwin, and she’s his best friend outside of Farlan and Isabel. She’s also very nosy.

_Yes I think so_ Erwin says.

_Shit_

More furious typing from Hange, in a row.

_He usually only does that when he’s really freaking out_

_Did something happen_

_Eld said it was just practice like normal_

Erwin pauses, but if she already knows, well. He types out a message. _I don’t know, he didn’t say much, something about washing and Shadis yelling._

Hange promises to text everyone the change in venue and asks that he text her with an update once Levi’s awake. Erwin thanks her and agrees.

Levi doesn’t wake up until about three hours later. Erwin spends the time reading, watching TV. He’s jittery, worried. He stays in his bedroom next to Levi, watches his chest rise and fall as he breathes. He’s unnaturally still. He’s never so motionless in his sleep, and Erwin finds that almost scary, for a reason he can’t name.

When Levi finally stirs, it’s late, the sun long since gone down, and Erwin nearly startles, as Levi’s eyes blink open, foggy. He doesn’t move for another moment, and then he slowly shifts, looking up.

“Hey,” Erwin says, as Levi looks around, expression blank, like he almost doesn’t remember where he is. His eyes settle back on Erwin a moment later. “How are you feeling?” Erwin says.

Levi breathes in. He settles back against the pillows again. “Tired,” he says.

“You can sleep more if you want,” Erwin says. As much as he is nervous and worried and wants to talk to Levi, he knows how little Levi sleeps. If he’s tired, then Erwin is certainly not going to try to keep him awake.

Levi eyes flick away, then back. “What time is it?” he says.

Erwin glances at his phone. “Just past ten,” he says.

Levi blinks, then his eyes widen a little. He sits up. “Ten?”

“Yes.”

Levi looks at the door. His eyes are still glassy, like they’d been when Erwin got there, a sign Erwin’s learned to recognize as Levi having taken his medication.

Levi’s brow furrows. “The party…” he says.

“We moved it to Hange’s,” Erwin says.

Levi blinks again. “Oh,” he says. He deflates a little, leans back against the pillows. He’s quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry,” he says.

Erwin reaches to touch his shoulder. “You don’t have to be sorry, it’s okay,” Erwin says. “It’s just a party.”

Levi’s shoulders slump some more anyway. He looks down at his hands. Erwin’s eyes follow. His hands are looking exceptionally bad – dry and cracked. His knuckles looks like he’s gotten into a fight, or punched a wall or something repeatedly. The rest of his hands are dry with flaking skin and rough patches as well. His knuckles are what draw attention though, horribly raw, with scabs and red, too-thin skin.

Levi runs a hand through his hair. He keeps looking down. His hand drops again, eyes dark. “Farlan’s gonna kill me,” he says, quiet, almost mutters. He closes his eyes tight.

“What happened?” Erwin says. His hand slides to Levi’s back as Levi bends forward, head tilted down.

Levi lets out a shaky breath, runs both his hands over his face, through his hair, fingers curling, tightening there. It's jarring, the tension in his body and the sudden intensity in his voice. “I don’t – I just wanted it to _stop_.”

It’s painful. Erwin frowns some more, and the aching worry in his chest goes sharp. “What to stop?” he says, and he’s almost surprised by the sound of his own voice, that he’s able to make it so steady, calm.

Levi’s hands drop to his lap again, over a blanket. He curls his fingers while looking down at them. A moment, and then Levi speaks, voice soft again this time. “They hurt,” he says. Erwin can imagine. They certainly look painful. He’s about to offer lotion, but he pauses instead, keeps watching Levi. His fingers curl into fists. “I hate this,” Levi says. “I don’t want to do this.”

“Do what?” Erwin says.

Levi doesn’t answer. He’s silent for a moment. “Can I have some water?” he says.

“Yeah,” Erwin says. He gets up to go get Levi a glass. “Do you want some tea too?”

Levi pauses, meets his eyes. “Can we have a drink?” he says.

Erwin’s surprised. He pauses. “Is that okay with your medication?” he says.

He watches Levi’s teeth clench, grit together. He just looks at Erwin like that for a moment, and then his eyes slide away, to the side. It has something profoundly troubling stirring in Erwin’s gut, the dregs of alarm.

“Levi,” he says.

“Water,” Levi says, without looking up.

Erwin’s only gone a moment, filling a glass in the kitchen, before coming back and climbing back onto bed, handing it over. Levi takes it from him and then drinks a few sips. He stares downwards.

“I can go,” Levi says.

Erwin’s surprised, it shows on his face. “Levi, the last thing I want is for you to go.”

Levi cringes. “Sorry.”

“Do you want to go?” Erwin says. As much as he wants Levi to stay, he feels like he’s floundering, completely unsure of what to do, to say, and if Levi wants to go back home, to see Farlan and Isabel – if that’s what’s going to be best for him, then Erwin will take it.

But Levi is just quiet for a long moment. “No,” he says.

It raises a small, warm bubble of tenderness in Erwin’s chest, that Levi wants to stay there with him. He also has no idea what to actually do now.

“What’s going on?” he says.

“I don’t know,” Levi says. His voice is tight. His teeth clench, and then again, “I don’t _know_.” It comes out shaky, desperate this time. He puts his head in his hands and lets out a rough exhale. “I don’t wanna do this,” he says, and it’s the same as before, mumbled, fast, almost to himself. “I don’t wanna do this. I’m supposed to call. I just wanna –”

He squeezes his eyes shut, cuts off.

A chill goes up Erwin’s spine. It’s like looking at someone else, suddenly, and a fear prickles across his skin. _I’m supposed to call_. Erwin moves on the bed, positions himself more in front of Levi, one hand still on his back.

“Who are you supposed to call?” Erwin says.

“Farlan,” Levi says. His hands curl in his hair. His voice is quiet, fast, and oddly detached. “I’m gonna feel like shit about doing this tomorrow.”

“If you want to call him, I can go in the living room,” Erwin says. “It’s alright if you do.”

Levi shakes his head. He looks small and sad and Erwin doesn’t know what to do. Levi’s eyes raise again slowly, meet his almost hesitantly, like he’s afraid to ask.

Erwin leans forward, and the angle is awkward, but he gets his arms around Levi, pulls him in. Levi lets him, wraps his arms around Erwin’s back in turn. He presses his face to Erwin’s neck, and Erwin can hear his breaths. His arms tighten.

“Whatever you need,” Erwin says. “Just tell me.”

Levi lets out a long breath. “You know, sometimes I wish you’d be worse about this,” he says. “Makes me feel like a jerk for doing this.”

It makes Erwin smile and feel sick at the same time. “You don’t deserve that,” Erwin says. “Please, Levi, I told you, I want to be here. I wish you’d stop worrying about what I’ll think. Let me be here.”

“Hockey’s awful,” Levi says into his neck. “With my hands, and the cleaning, it’s the gear afterwards and the showers and I feel like I’m cracking, it’s only been one week and I can’t stand it, I don’t know why it’s so fucking awful this year, it’s always bothered me but not like this.”

“You were already having a hard time,” Erwin says. He shifts one of his arms so that it cradles the back of Levi’s head. “It seems understandable.”

“Well it sucks,” Levi says.

Erwin’s fingers smooth over the short hair of Levi’s undercut. “Maybe you just need some time to relax,” Erwin says. He doesn’t have any other advice, doesn’t know what could help, besides fixing his medication, talking to a therapist. “Do you want to try that now?”

“Like what?” Levi says. His arms have loosened around Erwin but he doesn’t pull away.

“You could take a bath, we could watch a movie, are you hungry?”

“Not really.”

“You should eat,” Erwin says. He’s sure Levi didn’t eat after practice, which means he never had dinner. “We could just have some ice cream if you want.”

“And you lecture me about _my_ eating habits.”

Erwin smiles, almost laughs. “I can make an exception,” he says.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Ah-huh.”

Levi doesn’t move though. He keeps his face tucked in at Erwin’s neck, hands around him. Erwin runs his hand across Levi’s back. “We can talk more first,” Erwin says quietly. “You can tell me about what happened.”

There’s a pause, and then Levi tells him how he took his pill before practice was over because he’s been getting so anxious afterwards, how it ran late and Shadis noticed. Erwin rubs his back.

“I’m sorry,” he says afterwards. “That sounds awful.”

“It was a bad idea,” Levi says. “I was being stupid.”

“You were hurting,” Erwin says, his voice quiet, trying to keep the pain out of his voice, to be just calm and gentle instead.

Levi sucks in a breath. He lets it out slow. Erwin kisses his temple.

“You promised me ice cream,” Levi says.

Erwin smiles against him. “Yes,” he says. “It’s mint chocolate chip.”

Levi finally leans back, arms slipping from around Erwin to pause loosely at his hips. His expression is blank. “You have shit taste in ice cream,” he says.

Erwin’s smile widens, and he can see a twitch of humor around Levi’s eyes. “You always say that, and yet I’m pretty sure you’d eat the entire carton if I gave it to you.”

“Tch.”

Levi has to get up early the next morning for practice. He wakes and it feels like a hangover, complete with the post-intoxication regret and embarrassment. He lies on his back in bed for a bit, looking up at the ceiling. He feels shitty about yesterday, about both taking Xanax during practice and then dumping everything on Erwin afterwards. To make it even better, he’d told Eld and Gunther he was high. He’s not sure now why he did – doesn’t know why he told Shadis either, except that it seemed impossible to hide, that it was all over the second he noticed. He hadn’t thought much of telling Eld and Gunther – it was half sarcastic, or at least he kind of hoped it would come across that way.

A dread settles low in his stomach. He has practice this morning. He closes his eyes. _Shit_. He’s sure Shadis will chew him out again. But mostly his skin crawls just thinking about getting into his gear again, about the sweat on his skin and the terrible locker room afterwards. It all comes back in a horrible wash, and he just wants to close his eyes and block it all out again. He tries to shove it all down anyway.

He feels stuck. It’s frustrating as much as it is anxiety-provoking. Because why _now?_ He has enough shit to deal with. He’d been going to the gym before and it was fine. When he gets up to take a shower, Erwin stirs. Levi hesitates.

“Hey,” Erwin says when his eyes blink open. His hand reaches and smooths over Levi’s thigh. “How are you feeling?”

Levi lets out a long breath. He shrugs. His stomach sinks. He just woke up and he already feels exhausted. “Have practice at ten,” he says.

Erwin frowns at him. Erwin’s hand on his thigh feels steady, heavy. “Are you going to be okay with that?”

Levi’s throat tightens. “Yeah,” he says, forces the word out. “It’ll be fine.” _It’ll be fine_ , he thinks to himself. For how shit he’d felt yesterday, he hadn’t actually panicked, hadn’t gotten overly anxious changing after. He’d been trying to give himself a break, trying to break the cycle, and he did manage that, so maybe it would be okay.

“Levi,” Erwin says. Levi doesn’t look at him. “Are you feeling any better today?”

“Yeah,” Levi says. _I am_ , he thinks. He ignores the sinking in his stomach and the dread in his chest, the anxiety that seems to already be climbing up his skin. He’ll feel better when he gets on the ice, with the cold air and the adrenaline of playing. It’ll be fine. He has work for Pyxis in the afternoon, but there’s an hour and a half in between, enough to time to run home for another shower. _It’ll be fine_.

Levi takes a shower. By the time he gets out Erwin is up and has a bagel on the counter for him. He needs to get back to his apartment to get a change of clothes before practice, so he eats quickly. When Erwin asks if he can see him again tonight, with that worried, concerned look on his face, Levi nods. It has a pang in his chest, feeling bad and grateful at the same time.

Erwin gives him a ride back to his apartment, even when Levi insists that he’ll just walk. And Levi’s skin itches the more they drive. He thinks about the gloves in his locker, how he hadn’t washed them yesterday. He picks at a scab on his knuckle absently. He thinks about how he has time for another shower at home now if he hurries.

Erwin drives him, and then kisses him before he leaves, squeezing his arm. “Let me know if you need anything,” he says.

Levi walks into his apartment. Isabel is already gone – she has soccer practice today. Farlan’s sitting at their kitchen table eating an apple, a book out in front of him.

“Hey,” he says, when Levi looks up. Farlan’s frowning, eyes flicking over him carefully. “I was at Hange’s last night,” he says. “She asked me about you. Is everything okay?”

Levi stands there. He looks back at Farlan, and the longer he stands there, silent, the more Farlan’s face morphs, goes from relaxed and questioning to concerned quickly. He straightens in his chair, his lips pull to a frown and his eyebrows crease. Levi’s hands itch. He remembers last night, _I don’t wanna do this anymore_.

Levi stands there, and then he slowly shakes his head no.

Flashes go across his vision and it’s like he feels it all at once, a sudden wash, overwhelming, everything he's been trying to push back since the moment he woke up. The Xanax, Erwin holding him, how desperately he just wanted to stop feeling, asking for alcohol even though he knew he wasn’t supposed to drink on the pills, _I don’t wanna do this anymore_. A terrible tightness breaks over his skin, solidifies in his chest. He swallows hard. He remembers seventeen, sitting on that bridge, thinks about how he’d gone to Farlan’s once after Kenny beat him, how he’d blurted it out in front of both Farlan and Isabel, _I don’t wanna do this anymore, I can’t do this anymore_.

Farlan’s frown deepens. “What’s up?” he says.

“I don’t wanna go to practice,” Levi says instead. It comes out strained, his tone belying the otherwise innocuous words. He clenches his hands.

Levi tells Farlan about the practice. He tells Farlan about going to Erwin’s, and while he talks the itching gets worse and the pressure in his chest won’t let up, and the desperation, the dread and fear he’s been pushing down all morning swarms back, floods him. He doesn’t want to go to practice, he doesn’t want to have another panic attack in the locker room shower stalls, he doesn’t want to make his hands bleed again. His voice gets thicker as he talks, he has to swallow more, and Farlan sits and he listens from his chair.

“I don’t know what the fuck to do,” Levi says then, with his hands in his hair, tugging. His heart is beating too fast. He’s on a scholarship – it’s not like he can quit playing even if he wanted to, and he _doesn’t_ really, he just doesn’t know how the fuck he’s going to get through this. “It’s happened every fucking time, I feel like I’m going insane, I was doing shit before this happened, now it’s like I can’t breathe, I can’t fucking breathe, I –”

Levi doesn’t see Farlan get up. Just feels Farlan’s hands across his back. Levi only realizes he’s starting trembling then, only feels the burning at his eyes then. He hugs Farlan back, and then it tumbles from Levi’s mouth in a burst. “I don’t know how I’m gonna keep doing this,” he says, “I don’t wanna do this, Far. I don’t want –” Levi swallows. “I don’t wanna be here.”

It comes out a confession to himself more than anything. _I want to die_ , he thinks. He remembers that ledge on the bridge, his feet hanging down, staring at the water while drunk.

Farlan leans back. His expression is concerned and empathetic but he doesn’t look surprised, not really. Levi wonders if he’ll ever look surprised anymore, when it comes to his problems. For some reason that just makes him feel worse.

“You said you’d tell us if you got worse, Lee,” Farlan says, soft. It’s not an admonishment, full of empathy and concern, but it still comes out as a sigh.

“I’m telling you now,” Levi says.

Farlan nods. “You didn’t call me,” he says.

It’s fear in his eyes now. Levi has to look away. There’s no note of anger, and Levi wishes there was – that would be easy. It would be easy if Farlan was just mad, was frustrated. But instead he looks scared.

“I was with Erwin,” Levi says.

The fear in Farlan’s eyes softens, and he lets out a breath. “Okay,” he says.

Because the only reason Levi’s never ended up in a psych ward is because he promises to call, because he does call, when things get bad. Because if he doesn’t call, it means he’s really thinking about it, he’s really considering it. But he was at Erwin’s – wasn’t alone, wasn’t being unsafe, wasn’t about to try to kill himself like they all worried he would.

“You need to take a break,” Farlan says.

“I can’t,” Levi says. “We need money, and there’s hockey, and –” His stomach starts turning with nausea even as he says it, but he’s interrupted when one of Farlan’s hands goes to the back of his head, pulling him forward, so their foreheads are almost touching, Farlan’s eyes right in front of him.

“Levi,” he says, “you _need to take a break_.”

Levi swallows. His teeth clench. It feels at once both like trying to force a weight to move and like letting himself fall. His voice is small, tight, and it takes effort to get the word out.

“Okay,” Levi says.

“Good,” Farlan says, letting out another breath. “Good.” His hand falls from the back of Levi’s head. And Levi keeps looking at him, and there’s a new desperation, like he’s clinging on, because he has no idea what to do, because he’ll drown if he’s left on his own. Because he knows he’s about to drown if he’s left on his own.

Levi emails Shadis. It’s short and to the point. He won’t be at practice today, won’t be at practice Monday either - they have Sunday off. He calls Pyxis next, the same thing. He emails all his professors, the ones who count attendance. He tells all of them the same thing – he’s sick, he’s got a doctor’s appointment on Monday. It’s not a lie really. Levi ignores the fact that it’s going to sound weird to Shadis and Pyxis. Farlan is the one who tells him to call about Monday in advance, so he can’t backtrack, so he has to take the day off. He’ll call again if he needs longer, but Farlan insists he stay out until at least Tuesday, and even that is a compromise. Farlan would rather see him fake sick at least through Wednesday.

And then Levi has to call Pam, and he gives Farlan a look, and Farlan gives him one back, and Levi winds up hitting the call button. “I need an appointment,” he says when she picks up. She asks if he wants to talk now and he says no while Farlan glares at him. Levi glares back. She’ll see him at lunch on Monday. And Levi feels bad again, because he knows she’s forgoing her lunch break to fit him in.

And then, because there is a knot of anxiety twisting its way into Levi’s stomach, he opens his laptop and pulls up their bank accounts.

“We have enough,” Farlan says, over his shoulder.

“I put in half my hours on the weekend,” Levi says. “We’ll be down a hundred and fifty. We’re already gonna be running low this month.” He runs a hand through his hair. Farlan and Isabel’s soccer seasons will be ending soon, but they both have probably another two weeks, depending on how far their teams make it in the playoffs.

“We have enough saved, we won’t run out,” Farlan says.

Levi does the math in his head, scanning through their accounts. Farlan is right – there’s enough of a buffer that they won’t overdraw their accounts, even if Levi took the whole week off, assuming they don’t have any unexpected costs. It still doesn’t make him feel good.

Farlan slides the laptop across the table towards himself, and then shuts it. “We’re fine,” he says.

“Alright,” Levi says, resigned.

It’s a dual feeling, paradoxical, as he sits down on the couch with Farlan. A visceral relief, muscles untensing, the anxiety under his skin calming, with the realization that he doesn’t have to go to practice, doesn’t have to force himself to work, doesn’t have to worry about anything for the next two days either. It’s been a while since he’s had that much of a break, even three days without working.

But he feels like shit. He still feels like he’s sinking, and it’s a hopeless sinking, a new weight, because he really is doing that badly. He really is doing that badly again, that he has to take a few days off, that he has to see Pam on Monday. And a few days off is nice, but is it really going to be any better afterwards?

_No_ , Levi thinks. His skin prickles. He just wants to go to sleep. He just wants to stop thinking. 

Farlan has to leave for practice soon after. He frowns at Levi. “You gonna be alright here?”

“Yeah,” Levi says.

Farlan gives him a doubtful look, indecisive. He shifts a little on his feet. “Isabel should be back in an hour.”

“I’ll be fine, Far,” Levi says. His voice is quiet, it sounds odd, and he feels detached. “Pretty sure I can survive for an hour.”

Farlan keeps giving him that worried look, and he doesn’t have to say it. An hour’s plenty long enough for Levi to spiral, for him to leave, for him to hurt himself. “I won’t have my phone,” Farlan says, “but Isabel will be walking back soon. Call her, okay? If you start feeling bad.”

_I’m already feeling bad_ , he thinks. “Yeah,” he says. And then, when Farlan just keeps standing there with that indecisive face, Levi sighs. “I won’t do anything stupid,” he says. “I’m alright.”

“Okay,” Farlan says. He reaches out and squeezes Levi’s shoulder before he leaves.

Levi sits on the couch with the TV playing the show he’s not watching for another ten minutes or so, before he goes back into his room, changes into sweatpants, pulls down the shades, and lies down in his bed. He stares up at the ceiling.

He doesn’t really sleep, but he falls into a light, hazy kind of doze. He wakes fully when he hears his door creak open slightly. He opens his eyes without moving to see Isabel peering around the door, just a sliver of her face visible where the door is only cracked open. Levi knows Farlan would have called or texted her. She just stands there for a long moment.

Levi sighs. “Come here, Is,” he says.

That’s all it takes, and she darts into the room and Levi’s barely shifting over before she’s on his bed, flopping onto him. He lies on his back, and Isabel has one arm and one leg thrown over him, at his side. They only barely fit on his twin bed. She tucks her head down at his chest, and a tiny content, warm bubble melts in Levi’s chest, and he huffs and reaches up, hand coming down on her head, ruffling her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, Erwin and Hange.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed :) Comments make my day and I so appreciate them very much. Please let me know your thoughts!


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